You Can Feel Free To Use These At Your New Year's Eve Party Tonight...

I'm sure you have fancy parties to go to tonight full of glamorous and chic friends where they'll be serving gourmet food and the conversation will be stimulating and thought provoking. Well, I didn't want you to have to go into that environment without some jokes and little ditties you can keep in your back pocket in case you get stuck for something witty to say. Stick to these and you'll be the hit of the party. Oh, they are brought to you by Jessica and Katie who are three but who also seemed to do very well at THEIR holiday party. So maybe these can work for you too?

• Do you know how to tell if a train is eating? You can hear it go choo choo.
• Sing this to the tune of the sugar plum fairy piece from the Nutcracker. "Strawberry YUM, strawberry YUM, whipped cream YUM, I got some on my BUM."
• Knock knock. Who's there? Poopy. Poopy Who? Poopy poopy. (it helps this joke go over big if you laugh yourself super hard and hysterically)
• Did you know that all of the reindeer used to laugh and call him names? (you can just go up to someone and say this sentence then walk away. They will think you are super cool and subliminal and know something they don't)
• If you are in a group, just start being super quiet and get a concerned pensive look on your face. When someone asks you what's wrong, just look really worried and say "do you think Santa likes to DUNK his cookies in the milk?"
• When drinking your champagne or sparkling cider, laugh really loudly every time you take a drink and exclaim in the loudest voice possible "ha ha ha it is tickling my boogies inside my nose!!!"
• When your hostess serves you dinner, look down at your plate and start crying super hard and say "But I can't eat all of this food!!!"
• Always ask your host or hostess if you can lick the beaters after the cream is whipped.
• If there is a lull in conversation or the party just needs a little pick me up...announce to the group "let's play the Baby Jesus game. I will be the donkey and you can ride me into Breath-le-ham!" Then get down on your hands and knees and wait for someone to jump on.
• Last but not least (and this is a classic), stick black olives on all of your fingers and chase your friends around screaming "I'm a MONSTER, I'm a MONSTER!"

Good luck tonight you guys. I'll be attending a dinner with my in laws at their church then going over to my Mom and Dads at about 8pm for the rest of the night with my chicks. I will be kissing my girls at midnight whether they are awake or not. Happy New Year!

WHEATIES...

I bought a box of Wheaties today. I got all teary eyed and emotional and joyful as I reached up and picked up a box with a picture of Natasia Luikin, our gold medal gymnast in the Beijing Olympics. For those of you that know us, you already know why the need to buy Wheaties would cause me to cry with happiness. But for those of you unfamiliar with our family's cereal preferences I will share this tid bit of Meeker family factoids: A. Amy eats healthy cereal OR Frosted Mini Wheats. B. Jessica and Katie eat Mini Wheats, Raisin Bran or Fruit Loops on Saturday mornings. C. None of the people listed in A or B are Olympic freakazoids.

Did you guess?

Resolved...

I made it a point a few years back to stop setting New Years Resolutions. I made it a goal to see my life as a continuing circle and as a whole chunk. Instead of putting off goals until January, I tried in earnest to work a little bit harder each day. Yeah, you guessed it. That didn't work either. I came to the conclusion that goals are HARD. Especially the hard ones. I'm so enlightened I will burst into flames at any moment.

So this year, I figured I would set some small goals, stick in the word TRY and STRIVE, then set a percentage amount to each goal of how likely I think I am to stick to them. Here they go.

• STRIVE to cook more at home instead of eating out. 45% likely to happen.
• TRY to make it to church every Sunday and on time. 87% likely to happen in my heart.
• STRIVE to answer my voicemail more often, charge my cell phone and return phone calls. 5% likely to happen.
• TRY Keep the house picked up an organized. 12% likely to happen.
• STRIVE to not get frustrated and irritated when people point out the things that are wrong with me and the things I need to change about myself. 2% likely to happen.
• TRY and enjoy my kids and husband and spend time together as a family. 92% likely to happen especially if #1 does NOT happen.
• STRIVE to eat healthy, exercise and set a good example to my kids. 5% likely to happen if my Aunt Flow is visiting, 22% likely to happen if I'm tired, 64% likely to happen if I get sleep and if #1 does happen.
• TRY to have another baby. -97% likely to happen. That's NEGATIVE 97% likely. In other words, not a chance.
• STRIVE to be a more awesome chick. 0% likely to happen because I'm so awesome already.
• TRY and not ramble like an incoherent crazy lady on blog. Ummmm.... you tell me.

Happy Birthday Mikey Meeker

There are two types of guys in the world. You have your bad boys, who ride motorcycles, drink single malt scotch, smoke cigars, belong to gentleman clubs and have secret cell phones and email accounts. They would rather spend time playing cards all night in Vegas vs. riding rides all night in Disneyland. They know how to cuss, spit and fart in just the perfect way that girls could never master. These sorts of boys have a place in the world but they just aren't my type.

The perfect guy for me makes sure Santa doesn't have a cold so he will be sure to make his deliveries on Christmas Eve. My perfect guy looks cute in blue scrubs and is happy to make a joke out of the fact he is away from us at Christmas instead of getting all bitter about it. My perfect guy is in the picture above and he's not the one in the red suit. I love this guy. He may like to drive fast, but his favorite drinks are coca-cola and chocolate milk. The only gentleman's club he belongs to is the Air Force and he would LOVE to play video games all night but NOT gamble. And Disneyland would win out for him every time. He's a really bad cusser but he actually CAN spit pretty good. And farting? Well that's just a natural ability that comes along with the Y chromosome.

Today is my favorite Y chromosome holder's birthday and I miss him and I love him and I hope he has a great day! We miss you Mike...Happy Birthday!!!!

Dear Jessica and Katie

Dear Girls,

I just wanted to take a moment on this Christmas night to tell you how thankful I am that I got to spend Christmas with you today. This was the first year that you both understood what Christmas was sort of about and you couldn't wait. Our celebration started yesterday morning where we had a big "GIRLS ONLY" morning of bubble baths and playing beauty parlor. I let you both wear so much makeup you looked like one of those kids from those toddler beauty pageants. I curled your hair, we spritzed, sprayed, lotioned, lipsticked and twirled our lashes. We all put on RED lipstick. You had velvet and silk dresses in black and cranberry red. Katie had a black organza bow and Jessica had on a black velvet french Beret hat. Your white tights had lace bottoms and you both looked so cute I could hardly stand it. We went to your Great Grandma Oliver's house. We joined Papa's family for Mexican food and presents. We had a talk before Christmas about how important it was to be excited not just for your presents but also for other people. Everyone would get presents and you wanted to be sure they knew how happy you were for them. So every time someone would open a present, you would stand up and yell "Goooooo CHRISTMAS!" like cheerleaders for a football team. You were so excited and you ran around so hard I was sure we would end up in the ER again. But you were just fine. We got to talk to Daddy on the phone. We then made our way to Grammie and Papa's for the night. Great Gramma Bea spent the night too. You got new night gowns and fuzzy pink robes. You put out cookies and milk for Santa. I told you that he would be here very soon so you had to go right to bed. Katie told me she changed her mind about what she wanted from Santa. Instead of a purple race car she wanted her Daddy to come home. I love you for that Katie. You went to bed and we slept together in the big bed. You woke up at 8:30 and wanted to see if Santa came. We did your hair in bows that matched your jammies and put on blush and lipstick and went out to greet Christmas. Your first stop down the hall was Great Grandma's room to wake her up and wish her Merry Christmas. Then, we all got our stockings. Santa brought you your race cars and safety scissors along with what would be your favorite toy so far...a slinky. Then we baked Croissants from William Sonoma and had a wonderful Christmas morning. I was so proud of you because you never demanded anything like being the next one to open a present. There were no shouts of "MINE MINE" or the normal self interests of 3 year olds. You loved everything you got, everything you gave to others, everything period. Daddy called and you were happy to stop opening presents to talk to him. We missed him so much, all of us did. But we all managed to remain happy and in a Merry Christmas mood so we went back to presents and fun. Your eyes were so bright and you guys were so excited and loving. We went to Grandma and Grandpa Meekers after and you got to see Uncle Ron and Uncle Steve again. You got to give your presents out and clap and sing and give hugs and kisses. We went back to Grammie and Papas and the three of us "tried" to take a nap. I sang a song to you about Christmas and we collectively decided that we were too excited to sleep. So we got up and helped prepare Christmas dinner. We had ham and all the fixings and both of your Great Grandmas came over for dinner. We went around the table and shared our favorite things about Christmas and also our New Years Resolutions. Jessica, your resolution is to not climb on the couch anymore and Katie, yours is to mind your mama. You made Papa promise his resolution would be not to pull your toes off.

We had lots of chocolate for dessert and made our way back to our house so we could climb into my big bed, snuggle and play Leapsters and watch Sleeping Beauty. It truly was a great Christmas. Thanks for making what could have been a sad day for Mama into a happy one. I love you both and you were my favorite part of Christmas.

Love,
Mama

Yes, I said that right.... TWENTY YEARS.

So I was having dinner last night at Mike's family's house. Brothers Steve and Ron were in town for the holidays so the girls got to bask in the light and fun of their uncles. I was talking to Steve about something and I mentioned that we were going to Hawaii this Spring because our 20th High School Reunion is sometime this summer and we want to be sure to be in town since we have always lived away for every reunion. I went on about some other thing or another and Steve got really quiet and said "twenty?" in a whisper. All of a sudden, I too realized how old that sounds. TWENTY YEAR CLASS REUNION. I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL TWENTY YEARS AGO. As I looked at Steve's wide eyes, I grabbed his arm and said "yeah, I know, it's bad huh? But we're cool right, we haven't lost it?" He stuttered for only a second bless his heart and assured me we were still hip. But I sort of have this feeling we might not be as hip as I think.

We have little kids so other Moms I am around are usually younger. Do they look at me and think wow...look at that poor old lady and her kids. My cousin who just turned 40 is becoming a Grandmother in the next few months. She is the cousin who I LOVED playing with when the cousins got together. She was a cheerleader and cool and had a hot boyfriend. She was three years older than me so she still liked me but was way cooler. And now she's going to be a Grandma. Sorry Rondeine, but that was a shocker to my system. I really think I'm fooling myself in this whole thinking I'm hip thing. I have hips but AM I hip? I'm thinking no. I'm thinking for a 37 year old I'm totally hip. But 37 year olds are I think by nature not hip. Unless you are Bono, Cher, Tom Cruise (who let's face it has lost it) or Wil Smith. Those guys are hip. But hey come on, I could hang out with Bono right? I mean, I know all the songs.

I'm so irritated that there is a slim possibility that I'm not as cool as I thought I was yesterday morning.

Leverage and Lies or Just Old Fashioned Fun?

I have to admit something. I've used the HECK out of the whole Santa Claus thing this year. I taught the girls the words and tune to Santa Claus is Coming To Town like around Labor Day. "You better watch out girls", I warned. "HE'S WAAAAATCHING". Even tonight as I kissed their adorable heads goodnight I could not resist pointing out that tonight was the last night that Santa will be watching. That tomorrow night he'll be riding in his sleigh but tonight he was watching to see if they went to sleep good and was packing presents in his sleigh. Would he decide to pack presents for THEM? They laid very still in their beds and I could see the wheels spinning like mad. I felt a little guilty as I kissed their sweet smelling heads and turned off the light. Then, silence. The guilt vanished. I did a little gig on my way through the kitchen.

Whoever came up with the idea of Santa Claus was a parenting genius. It's so brilliant that I have come to the conclusion that it must have been thought up by a mother. A tired mother. While her husband was off at war. And she was losing her voice as Christmas Eve approached. And she was sooooo tired of darning socks and putting up with the whining of her children that she created this magical little man who would slide down her chimney and punish/reward her little rugrats for their behavior. She probably did a gig on her way through her kitchen the night she came up with the story. She might have felt a little guilt as she looked at their faces, turned up to her in anticipation, excitement and fear.

Whoever you were lady, we the mothers of the world thank you. You have given us a fighting chance in this dog eat dog world of parenting. Bless you kind lady. Bless your ever lovin' fib telling, pack of lies self. We love you Mother Christmas!

The Wait is Finaly Over...New Chapter of Bossy & The Geek

Sorry for the wait...I just posted Chapter 7 of Bossy & The Geek, my own personal love story of how Mike Meeker and Amy Oliver met and fell in love. This has been my favorite chapter to write because it made me feel my teenage angst and torment so very much once again. Do you remember what it felt like to long to just see your one true love?

If you are new to Bossy and The Geek you can go back and start from Chapter One. It's been so fun to write and I will have chapters more often in the coming months.

http://www.bossyandthegeek.blogspot.com

My Christmas Wish

As I talked with Mike today and the connection went in and out I thought of something. There were times in this conversation that he could hear me but I couldn't hear him and vice versa. He called the first time but we lost the connection and he had to call back. A fiber optic cable got severed in the past few days and communication has gotten spotty at best. Most likely, a Christmas phone call isn't in the cards because with 30,000 people trying to call home...you do the math.

This made me think of our relationships and the condition in which we keep them. There are times in my marriage that we definitely have not heard each other, we've gotten disconnected and had to TRY to hear each other. In my friendships, mostly there has been a lot of silence, static and my friends have been left to wonder "Can you hear me now?"

So I have a Christmas wish. If you are in my life, let's try harder next year. Let's try and talk and I will TRY and listen and make time and take time for you. I miss my husband a lot which you all are sick of my griping about. But I want you to know I miss my friends too. There are people who have shared my life and been witness to my history that I have let get away from me. Some of them have gone away happily and some have tried to outlast my horrible trait of not checking messages and returning phone calls. So expect in the New Year for me to come find you. And be nice to me when I do because it's hard for me and my instinct is to stay in bed and read. So that's my Christmas wish. For whoever you are out there, if you know me and I know you, let's get our love back on man. I promise if you could read my heart, you would know that I miss you.

Oh, And Gingerbread House...

We made our gingerbread house tonight. Getting 2 girls to understand we needed to keep the frosting on the house and not eat all the candy was FAR more difficult than you can imagine. Our house is NOT hygenic. The department of sanitation would not pass it as safe, sound or sanitary. But it's cute and so are they.

Recent Pictures

Here's some eye candy for you. I know we are just what you had hoped to get a glimpse at when you logged into my blog today. So here we are in all our pre Christmas glory.Me (super sick) and Katie hanging ornaments on our America themed Christmas tree dedicated to our favorite soldier, Major Mikey Meeker.
Jessica HAD to make sure our tree had bows on it.

Jessica took this picture of Katie with her new favorite toy, my VERY expensive camera.

Preschool Christmas program - Katie singing Rudolph.

Jessica doing Santa Claus is coming to town (He knows if you've been bad or good, and the kids were supposed to do thumbs up for good. Not to like point out the obvious, but genius prodigy child of mine? I think SO.)

So much for the genius prodigy theory. The girls requested I take a picture "from behind when we are looking at you through our legs with our bum bums in the air".

Introducing the two newest members of our family. Two horses named "Rudolph" (Katie's) and "Jessica" (Jessica's)

3 Year Old Slaps Mother Across The Face - charges are still pending

In the early hours (9:30 a.m) in the quiet bedroom community of Elk Grove California, a 37 year old mother of twins was assaulted by her youngest child, one Jessica Menendez, I mean Meeker. The mother was quietly slumbering in her bed on 800 thread count sheets after succumbing to a head cold earlier the previous evening. It is believed the mother took some cold medicine around 3am due to the fact that she had a neck spasm and a throbbing headache due to said cold. Suddenly, the child in question slapped her mother across the face not once but twice. The mother awoke and grunted. The child then proceeded to inform the mother she wanted Fruit Loops and that we needed to get up.

Experts are expected to criticize the penal system heavily due to the fact that the perpetrator was given a bowl of the fruit loops in question by the victim despite the heinous nature of this crime.

Legal analysts expect that the "Fruit Loop Defense" will be used to excuse the crime. In the early eighties, a murderer used a defense dubbed the "Twinkie Defense", indicating he was hopped up on twinkies and could not think rationally. Sources inside the home do not think this defense will hold up weight upon further examination.

For now, Jessica Menendez Meeker is a person of interest and is being held inside her playroom where she is allowed only to play with her toys and watch movies and eat whatever snacks she orders from the warden. The child's mother is recovering (from her cold) with herbal tea, zycam and sudafed. Stay tuned for further information in this bizarre incident that took place in a quiet home in the suburbs.

This is Katie Meeker, Action News Reporter for the family blog signing off.

Depression or Human?

This is going to be a pretty personal post. There are some who might wonder why I share things from my inner most places on a blog anyone can read. It's because I have found tremendous freedom in expressing things that are deeply personal in which ANYONE can read. I feel free, lighter, courageous. Sorry if I sound like I'm bragging but this blog has brought that wonderful feeling of truly unleashing my burdens and worries, shouting my joys from the rooftops and ramble uselessly just in case I feel like it.

I've been wondering a lot lately if I've been sinking into some sort of chemical depression or am just experiencing being a flawed and normal human. Here's my case, for anyone who would like to weigh in.

My history. I have had two bouts of chemical depression in which I needed to take medicine in order to feel more stable. The first time was when I was 30. I took Prozac for 18 months. I was able to take stalk of my life during this time and change a lot of things. It was tremendously helpful and I feel that the medication didn't solve a single problem but gave me the ability to step back from my life with perspective and make the changes I wanted to make. The second time was post pardom depression after the girls. I had years of hormone shots and infertility treatments that left me whacked out. When those babies were born, I went hormonally gaga. I wasn't one of those mothers that couldn't be alone with her baby or wanted to kill myself . But those chicks are out there and if you know one you need to get them some help. But I cried int he shower, cried in my bedroom, cried cried cried, rarely slept and cried more. I am not a weepy person. But it was like the weepies took up personal residence in my brain. Oh the tissue I went through. This lasted a year. I have been off meds for about 18 months now.

So here I am wondering if I am starting to slip back into depression or I'm just human. There are moments that I have where the joy I feel for my life is overwhelming. I feel happy, optimistic and just fine. But then I watch Mama Mia and find myself curled on the couch weeping uncontrollably when Meryl Streep is helping her daughter get ready for her wedding. I find myself crying all the time to Christmas music but my husband is deployed to the desert. I feel like a mom loser most days but then I have sparks of genius. I am tired ALL the time. I am overwhelmed ALL the time. I haven't time for friendships or social obligations. I have lost interest in some of the things I used to really enjoy like entertaining and hanging with a girlfriend and working. I go back and forth between hating Christms and loving seeing it through my kids eyes. I feel like a frump with no makeup and an old toothbrush and I feel like I look gross most of the time. I would prefer to jump up and shake my boogie but I'm so damn tired that there is no shake in my boogie at all.

So here's what I'm wondering...am I depressed or just human for what I'm feeling? Do I need meds or just some stability in my life? How do you get through life without feeling crazy? Do you just have amazing energy all the time? Do you not care about stuff like TV? Cuz I do man. I love TV. I am seeking other resolutions to this problemas than those that could be answered with some vodka. So given my situation, depression or human reaction? Help

We Need a Little Christmas. Right this very effing moment...

You guys I was down and out. Seriously, yesterday, I drove my girls to school sobbing my eyes out while listening to Christmas music because I just didn't have it in me to hang out my holly if you get my drift. And because I was in this frame of mind and because it was freezing cold and it was drizzling this misty rain crap...ALL the songs that came on the radio were the ones where your loved one is away from you at Christmas time. I'll be home for Christmas. Blah. I'll have a blue Christmas. Blech. Peace on Earth, Can It Be? Nope. Do they know it's Christmas time at all? Now I'm sobbing. Thanks a lot Y92 FM all Christmas all the time.

So I was faced with a decision. Could I get my Christmas on or was it a lost cause? Then, my baby fell and cut her head and bled and bled and bled. And she was okay. And I was so thankful. So my festivus bloomed out my butt today. We met Grammie and Papa for lunch. We hit Best Buy for some electronic Christmas items for those geeks in my life. I have many so the bill was quite high. Then, we hit Target for the annual Meeker Girls Christmas shopping Extravaganza Palooza. It goes a little something like this.

Put a leash on the child. Let them run around Target for a couple of hours picking out their own extra special items for all the folks on their list. We had told the girls a few days ago that they would be going shopping on Wednesday and to think about what they would like to get people. Well, Katie had obviously thought a TON about it. Jessica on the other hand told me on the way to Target NOT to speak to her because she was going to think the whole way until we got into Target. Oh man. The array of items in my basket at the end of this trip was in itself a true Christmas miracle. I never in a million years thought I would buy some of these items. Here's a small sample: A snow globe...a JESUS one. 3 hammers and nails. A hot pink basket for your closet so you can put shoes in it. Turquoise and pink elephant pajamas with long john bottoms. A zebra hat and gloves. A super shiny silver purse with a big star on it. Red lipstick. (guess who's that for?) Mittens. An army nutcracker. A shelf. Paint and paintbrushes. A book by Richard Paul Evans called Grace but only because it had a candle on the outside. The new Harry Potter book, the Tales of Beedle the Bard or whatever. A headband. Zebra bracelets. I think that's enough information for you to get the idea. And the girls were sooooo proud. Katie cried and cried when she found out she couldn't give her presents to people today. She sobbed, BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS!!! This tradition of taking the girls shopping for other people and letting them pick out their own gifts is so much fun and something that we have done since they could walk. We do it for birthdays, mothers days and fathers days. If you have little ones it's so much fun but VERY expensive. But honestly, it's so much fun and they are so excited to GIVE their presents instead of what they are going to get that I would go without a single gift to be able to let them do this each year.

So the long story is I got my Christmas back. I just needed a bleeding child, several hundred bucks and a three year old trip to Target to remind me of the true meaning of Christmas.

P.S (I was right)

Jessica's prayer tonight while in MY bed refusing to lay apart from her sister.

"Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for making Katie's head not be broken. I am so glad she is okay and not hurt anymore. Thank you for not making her get a shot and making sure she is AOK. Please help us to go to sleep good. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen".

Sisters are the greatest creation God ever made. Nobody could ever convince me differently.

Our First ER Visit

I did NOT encounter John Stamos. Or George Clooney. Or Noah Wylie or Anthony Edwards even. BUT, I did just get back from our local ER. Katie had a blood gushing head wound. Her Mom got nauseated and FREAKED out. I sobbed and sobbed. My mother in law got my sick father in law out of bed and met me at the ER. Soooooooo.... here's what happened.

We went to Borders after preschool instead of our normal naps. I know whenever I deviate from our normal schedule...something is bound to go wrong. Anyway, we came home about 5pm, changed from our wet cold clothes into warm, footie pajamas. I put on a sweatshirt and pajama bottoms and we settled in to watch Oprah and play. The girls were playing near the Christmas tree. I told them they could either play in the family room where I was at or in their play room. I did not want them playing in the living room near the tree. WELL, I should have shut my mouth. They were in their play room. I heard a crash. Jessica came running out. I said what happened? And she said "Katie hurt her head!" I called into Katie and heard nothing but quiet. I ran into the play room to find Katie in the middle of one of those sobs where it's so hard no noise comes out. Then as soon as she saw me she let out a cry. I kissed the back of her head and rubbed it like I normally do and that's when I saw the blood on my hand and running down her neck and on her pajamas. I calmly walked her into the family room, grabbed a dish towel and proceeded to investigate what I was sure would be a small little wound. 10 minutes of pressure later and blood all over me, all over her and all over the couch caused my panic level to steadily rise from about a 4 out of 10 to a 17 out of 10. My parents were hosting a dinner party tonight for my Mom's 3 friends and their husbands that she has known since childhood. She never entertains and she was super excited about the party. A GOOD daughter would have not called and bugged her. I am NOT a good daughter. I called and told her I couldn't get the blood to stop and she said to go to the ER and I couldn't for the life of me understand what she meant or where to go and she reminded me of the 24 hour urgent care center by my house that I had taken Jessica to one time when she had a really bad cough over the weekend. So I threw shoes on the girls and threw them in the car. I called my Mother In Law from my cell phone sobbing hysterically and she couldn't understand me. Finally after about three tries I got out what happened and she hopped in the car after getting my father in law who is sick out of bed just in case he was needed. Once they got there I was MUCH calmer, the bleeding had basically stopped by then. The doctor came in and Jessica introduced all of us and explained "my sissy Katie hurt her head cuz she stood up on her sit and spin and fell on the shelf!" All the questions he asked Katie, Jessica answered. She talked very loudly non stop so I think she was worried too. I talk non stop and I get loud when I am scared. Katie closed her eyes and leaned into me and said "MAMA, PLEASE DON'T LET HIM GIVE ME A SHOT". So I was soooo happy to hear that she did not need stitches. He put some stuff on it that made it clot up and not bleed. He told me not to wash her hair because that will make it bleed more. I guess it has to scab up. He said to watch her for a concussion and if she gets sick to her stomach or seems unresponsive to come right back. But that she should be just fine. Katie says she's "AOK, but her heady still hurts a lot". She's eating a 1/2 caramel and 1/2 hot fudge sundae from McDonalds right now which is how I told her that Daddy likes his sundaes. She seems fine now but just in case I'm letting both of them sleep with me.

I wish I could say I did great and handled it like a pro but I fell apart, sobbed my head off and freaked out at all the blood. Man oh man. There is nothing like your baby bleeding so bad it's soaking through a dish towel. If I didn't before today, I OFFICIALLY miss Mike. I need him to come now please.

Christmas Past

I've been a lucky little girl. I had the kind of safe and secure childhood every kid deserves. My Christmases were filled with black velvet dresses, new earrings, lights, mistletoe, my Grandma's spiced sugar cookies frozen, Grandma Bea's Portuguese sweet bread. Christmas Eve was so exciting. We would go to Grandma Houlie and Papa Toms then over to Grandma Bea and Papa John's where if it was an especially good year, all the cousins were waiting. There were plates piled high with sushi, chicken wings, olives, salami and cheese, deviled eggs, fudge, cookies. Every memory I have seems to have a white lace veil over it and it shimmers letting me know that it was extra special. It was exactly how Christmas should be for a little kid. I sat by the tree last night with Jessica and we softly sang Christmas songs in the dark while we looked at the tree. I found myself wishing she would be able to remember that moment for the rest of her life. I know I will.

So here's what this post is all about. It's my ode to Christmas past. Last year I was so sick and this year have been sick again so I have the blue blue blue blue Christmas blues. But in Christmas, I have had my share of blessings. So be prepared to be dazzled with my Christmas merriment of past.


So here we go...the most fabulous and memorable Christmases in the lives of Amy Marie Oliver Meeker Jetson. (just threw in the Jetson to see if you were paying attention)



Christmas 1976

Mom and Dad opened and set up all the Santa presents without wrapping paper in the living room waiting for my 5 year old self to get up in the morning. When I got up I saw a bike and the entire Emerald City of Oz set up before my very eyes. It was like magic did it. It never dawned on me that my parents did this.



Christmas 1981

I think if you talk to my cousins, this would for sure be the best Christmas of our lives. Bo got the Millennium Falcon, Jut and Jeff got Xwing Fighters, Bo also got stretch armstrong. I got a barbie swimming pool and Bo and I got these new inventions called Walkmans. We listened to tapes of I don't know what over and over. His headphones were blue and mine were orange. It was magical. We stayed up all night playing with our toys. I loved this Christmas.



Christmas 1983

Moz, our Dog opens his first Christmas present on his own. We never pointed it out to him. We never told him it was okay. We were all in bed and somebody said "Mozer, It's Christmas Boy. Let's go open presents! He ran into the living room, got his present from under the tree and opened it. This will be the first year we do not have a dog on Christmas morning.


Christmas1991

Bo gave me a sterling silver locket to commemorate our last year of being single because we would both be getting married in the following year. I still have the heart and will give it to one of my girls when they get engaged for Christmas. This is the last Christmas I felt our family was in tact. Everybody loved everybody. We all were close and we had a few years before it all went to hell.


Christmas 1992

Our first married Christmas. Diamond earrings hidden in a hideous bathrobe as a diversion. Staying in pajamas all day long. The boys all still little and at home except for Ron. It was the year of the tape throwing incident that hit my lip and almost caused my divorce. on accident. We gave Steve this basketball board game he really wanted. It cost $35. It was the most expensive thing we bought anyone but his little 7 year old face made it worth it.



Christmas 1997

Our first Christmas away from home. We spent this in Washington DC with my parents. It was weird but nice except for the game of Risk in which Mike told my Mom to shut up and roll. Not sure how he survived that one. We made Ciopinno in my little kitchen on Bolling AFB. It was a great year.

Christmas 2004

We stayed in Nebraska. I was pregnant. My Mom and Dad came and Dad painted the girls room for us. The hope that I held inside that year was monumental. I was so scared that this wasn't really going to happen for us. That babies were not ever going to come to our house. But four months later, they did. This Christmas is the last one that I had a perfect tree, perfect meal,. quiet, time to reflect. It's my last Christmas of my childhood.

Christmas 2006

Not the girls first Christmas but their second. Footie pajamas in red and white snowflakes. They loved the lights and wrapping paper. We taught them they could touch the ornaments with one finger. They were saying a few words but giggling all the time. They couldn't believe their eyes on Christmas morning. And they didn't get the idea of presents. They kept wanting to stop and play with the toy they just opened.

Christmas 2008

Mike is across the world. I'm barely at a functional level. My kids are busting out of their seams about Christmas. Everything in their life right now is about Christmas. They can tell you the story of Jesus. They can sing Away in a Manger, Jingle Bells, We wish you a merry Christmas and Santa Claus is comin' to town. They love Christmas cookies. They told Santa they want a race car and safety scissors in their stockings. They love our tree which is decorated in red white and blue lights and ornaments in Mike's honor. My little family is separated so it's hard for it to truly feel like Christmas. But I owe it to my kids to make the magic. So I'm dusting off the magic wand and I'm going to try. There are a few days left to make it all happen. Wish me luck.

Proper Afternoon Tea

The ritual of afternoon tea involves far more than putting a kettle to the fire. Ladies and gentlemen would dress in fancy attire. The would assemble in a sitting room or parlor. A sterling silver or fine bone china tea set would be brought in. Little sandwiches, cakes, scones, cookies would be displayed on tiered serving plates. Sugar would be in lumps with little gold tongs that would pick up a lump. There would be slices of fresh lemon. There would be fresh cream. Everyone would choose their type of tea and it would either brew in the large tea pot or in individual cups. This would take place at precisely 3pm daily. The weather (if it were fine) would be discussed. Conversation would be about light and happy things. Politics, business, religion were never discussed. Someone in the group might play an instrument for the gathering or a reading might be performed. The pace was slow and unhurried. Although conversations would be going on all around, the room was quiet and voices were low.

I have re instituted MY version of afternoon tea over the past few days at my house. I am normally in my pajamas or sweats. I light a fire under my bright red tea kettle on the stove. I stand there urging the tea kettle to sing so I could get my tea going. I select the same kind of tea each day. Peppermint, herbal, Celestial Seasonings. I grab a porcelain heavy duty white cup and saucer. I throw the teabag in. I grab a teaspoon of sugar from the canister and throw that in while the water is heating up. Once I hear the whistle, I dump the water in trying not to slosh it on my feet which are bare. I wait 3 minutes and take the bag out. I add some half and half. I sit down and calmly and slowly sip my tea while breathing in and out. During this ritual, several times, my daughters who will not take tea with me come in to ask me questions. Finally, while my tea is half drunk, I have to run into the play room because someone has fallen, or I have to get up because a bottom, or a nose or some hands need to be wiped. It is a far cry from how it used to be done. But you know what? I wouldn't take my afternoon tea any other way. Give me sweats and bare feet to a tight corset any day!

Clarification

Our sweet, super cute, skinny and beautiful even when she's 9 months pregnant, awesomely down to earth and real cousin Marie asked for clarification on what these infusions I'm getting are all about.

Here's the deets. I have chronic iron deficient anemia. I was diagnosed with this in 1997. I take oral medications but there are times that the oral medication isn't enough for my body to keep up it's supply of hemoglobin and iron. So in the past, I have received blood transfusions and this has corrected the problem. This time, the blood transfusion that I got a month ago was not enough. This time, they have sent me to an oncologist to receive iron sucrose infusions. It's very similar to chemotherapy and a lot of cancer patients are also anemic so I receive the infusions at the UCD Cancer Center. The infusions are a bag of dark brown liquid that is given to me intravenously (by IV drip). It takes about two hours to get the bag of medication and the flush they give after.

Like chemotherapy, you don't get a reaction to this medication right away. About 24 hours after the infusion, I get very tired. Then because the iron is affecting my bone marrow I get deep pain in my joints and bones. The only way I can describe it is like you got in a car accident or got beaten up with a baseball bat. As the iron is absorbed the pain spreads out which is good because it get less intense when it does. I get more tired from this process. Then, the stomach flu symptoms start. Luckily, thanks to really good drugs, I have had minimal nausea. But well, if you don't puke when you have the flu...you...well...you get the idea. Bad. But then, about 72 hours after the infusion, the pain subsides, the tiredness goes away and you are left with a couple of days of feeling A LOT better than I did before this whole process started. I can't even tell you how much better I feel now that the infusions have started.

I have two more infusions to go in this cycle. Your body can't really take more than five infusions in a short period of time. So this coming Friday the 12th, will be my last infusion. I am hoping to be a little bit sick on the 13 and 14th and then plow right into Christmas. That will leave me a little less than the 12 days of Christmas to get it all done. But I swear, I will do it some how. I will get my shopping and wrapping and baking and decorating done and will make this holiday magical for my girls. I even moved furniture tonight in preparation for the tree going up.

I may have to get infusions again in the future. I will be working with a Hematologist to monitor my levels and they will decide how to proceed after the New Year.

Post and Pre Infusion

I've been in my post infusion hell for the past 2 days and will be getting infusion #3 tomorrow. Then two more next week and I'm done for awhile with all this mess. Oh how I look forward to infusion free weeks.

I am a Kick-A Mom!!!

Okay, you know it. There are some days when you just high five yourself after you put the kiddos to bed because you so rocked the Momness that day. Because I have short windows of feeling good these days, I have come to appreciate the rare ability I have to rock the Momness. I have not had many magical moments with the girls as of late. I have heard of magical moments. Other people have had magical moments. I have had moments of dread, frustration, terror, overwhelmness and the desire to quit my job and move away with no forwarding address. I heard recently that Omaha, Nebraska is the only city in the country that has a law in which you can return your children to the state. Like you give birth, you decide hey this isn't for me and you can return the kids no harm no foul. In California they arrest you for behavior like that. LUCKILY for MEEEEE.... the girls were born in good ol' Omaha. God Bless you Nebraskans for being so sensible. We have all known that kid, that one who we knew if we were the mother we would want to take it back and start over. Anyhoo, as usual I digress.

Back to my kick-A Momness. It didn't start off as a great Mom day. I took the kids to preschool and left them in the van while I ran in to get milk because my parents were out. My mom and dad hate it when I do this and I criticized other parents who did this and thought they should be ARRESTED then I had kids, my husband left, I lost all my energy and it was just MILK. It's not like I leave them in the van while I go get a manicure. However, for the record, I could see the van the whole time from the pedicure massage chair if I wanted to and I could run out there to save them and I WOULD even if my polish was wet. Okay anyway, milk, them in the van, check. Not a good start. Then they went to preschool, I went and got my infusion, my Dad went and picked them up and they went back to my parents house for a nap. I got my hair cut and colored at 5pm. I know I know you are thinking..."Aims, dude, the day is over and you didn't even see them except for the milk ditch in the van and dropping their butts off and preschool and the day is OVER. Your Momness sucked." But the beauty of this story is you have to wait for it...wait for it...okay here we go.

On the way home we drove by all the Christmas lights and I told the girls this story. "Hey you guys. When I was little like you. Well I think I was about your age. And it was this time of year about. Santa came to my house EARLY to visit just to make sure he knew the way to my house on Christmas Eve and he left he a letter and a snow globe reminding me to be a good girl and telling me how special I was". Silence in the back seat. "Do you guys think Santa does that anymore? He probably doesn't because it was soooooo long ago when I was little and there are so many kids now. And he only did it because I was special." Jessica pipes up...yelling at the top of her lungs "BUT MAMA. GRAMMIE TELLS ME I AM EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA SPECIAL ALL THE TIME SO SANTA MIGHT DO IT." I say "hmmmmm" like I doubt it. Katie pipes in with "MAMA, MAYBE SANTA WILL BRING YOU ONE BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL SPECIAL. I LOVE YOU MAMA." That kid really knows how to work it. "I love you too Katie Kate" .

So we get home, eat dinner blah blah blah. And I announce, that we are going to put on our Christmas pajamas and Watch Santa Claus is coming to town with popcorn and M&Ms and pillows and blankies. No, there's more. Then, we took a ring off our paper chain which is counting the days until Christmas.

Then it's time for bed. (you all know where this is going) I tell the girls to go to their room and get their babies ready for our bedtime ritual called the picking game. They each have like 25 stuffed babies and it got ridiculous that they were sleeping with all of them so now they line them up and they get to pick six babies to sleep with each night and all the other babies go on a pillow in the corner so they won't be lonely. So every night the girls have to get their "lines ready" which means line up the babies for the picking game. I follow them in their room and low and behold sitting on their beds was a snow globe, a candy cane and a letter from Santa. It was truly a Christmas miracle.

For posterity sake...here's what the letters said.

Dear Jessica,

I am visiting your house today because it is almost Christmas! And you are an EXTRA SPECIAL girl. I want you to put your new snow globe on the counter in the kitchen to remind you that I will be coming back to your town two more times. Once when it is Christmas at your Grammie and Papa's house and once after your Daddy comes home. If you are an extra good girl and mind your Mama and always obey her there will be wonderful toys and treats for you under the tree. Don't forget I am watching to see if you are being good.

HO HO HO Love, Santa

Dear Katie,

It is almost Christmas time Katie! My favorite time of year! And YOU are an extra special girl. I wanted to be sure I knew the way to your house so my reindeer and my sleigh could find you on Christmas. You will have TWO Christmases this year! If you are a very very good girl and you always help your Mama and love all people I will bring you special treats and toys to Grammie and Papa's house and AGAIN when you have Christmas with Daddy! So don't forget to be a good girl so Santa can give you presents.

HO HO HO Love, Santa

See, I told you. Kick -A Momness. And yes, all the it's a magical time of year and I love my girls so much and it was so special to share this memory with them and they were so excited that Jessica was shaking when she held her letter and it is amazing to experience the wonder of Christmas through the eyes of your child. But mostly....YAY FOR ME.

Also, I tell them the story of Jesus every night and we are practicing Away in the Manger just so everybody knows it's not all about Santa and commercialism and lies. Okay, gotta go do some online shopping . Peace Out.

Christmas Cookies

Grandma and Grandpa Meeker baked Christmas cookies with the girls then came back over and helped them decorate them. They LOVE decorating cookies. And they especially love doing it with their Grandpa Meeker because he lets them eat all the frosting they want. Just straight frosting...ugh. They had so much fun and even made two cookies for their Daddy that we put in a ziploc bag to give him when he comes home.

Leave a light on....

It's been a long standing tradition to leave a light burning in the window of your home if you have a soldier at war. I have kept an electric candle in my living room window since the first night Mike left and it has burned 24/7. I just heard the new song by David Cook and it sums up perfectly how much it sucks to leave and how much it sucks to be left. I really miss him.

Never really said too much
Afraid it wouldn't be enough
Just try to keep my spirits up
When there's no point in grieving
Doesn't matter anyway
Words could never make me stay
Words will never take my place
When you know I'm leaving

[Chorus]Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone

You know we've been down that road
What seems a thousand times before
My back to a closing door and my eyes to the seasons
That roll out underneath my heels
And you don't know how bad it feels
To leave the only one that I have ever believed in

[Chorus]Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Something I rely on to get home
One I can feel at night
A naked light, a fire to keep me warm
Try to leave a light on when I'm gone
Even in the daylight, shine on
And when it's late at night you can look inside
You won't feel so alone

Sometimes it feels like we've run out of luck
When the signal keeps on breaking up
When the wires cross in my brain
You'll start my heart again
When I come along

Katie and the DTD

So Katie had to go to the DTD (down there doc) today to be evaluated for a little plastic surgery. TMI alert. If you don't want to know anything about my kid's vajay jay do NOT read on. And Mom, I know, I shouldn't write about this stuff...got it. Anyhoo, so we go to the DTD and she takes over the whole surgery clinic. She walks in and announces that it sure is looking like Christmas in here. Then she tells the girl her name LOUDLY, asks the girl her name, takes her shoes off, jumps on the scale, looks at the number and announces "YEP, I DON'T HAVE A FEVER." huh? She was offered a sticker and she politely took one...at first. Then she remembered an earlier conversation with Jessica in which Jessica reminded her that she brought Katie a candy when she had to go to the doctor alone and she put it in her pocket and kept it there for a long long time and didn't eat it and did Katie have a pocket today? So Katie asked the girl if she could have a sticker for her sissy? So she picked out a Wall-E sticker for Jessica then asked for three more stickers and reminded the girl she would like a blue lollipop for herself but she'll need a yellow one for her sissy. Move along kid. Just pick your sticker and move along.

So we wait in the DTD exam room and at first Resident DTD Baker came in. He had black chest hair coming out of his scrubs which is a total doctor no-no BUT he had on black Dansko clogs which is a secret sign to all other surgeons that I'm a surgeon not just a regular doctor. He was super nice and we chatted and I gave him some history and he mentioned that he trains at Travis AFB sometimes and he was all excited to help us and attentive so I figure he's like maybe a second year MAX. Maybe even an intern cuz he had the whole chest hair thing going on and he needs to get the memo about wearing a tshirt, long sleeved under your scrubs dude. It's important. Anyhoo, he really WAS super nice. So he ran along to tell our story to his daddy, I mean his attending, and then the actual DTD came in and we talked. You can tell he was the attending because he didn't have on scrubs, or black clogs, just a REALLY REALLY expensive watch and REALLY REALLY nice Italian shoes. I mean, he had on more than that but well...you get my drift. He was awesome and said her condition was really common and easy to fix. He did a very quick examination. Here's how that little party went...

I took off her pants and I was up at her head talking to her thinking I would distract her because she might be scared or something. She immediately starts giggling hysterically saying "that tickles" over and over again. In my mind I am secretly dying because I'm thinking "what the HELL kind of games does this doc think we play at our house?" Finally, he did something that got an "'hey, OUCH" out of her and the exam was over. He was so great about not pushing her and making sure she'll be asleep for all future exams. He is going to order an ultra sound of her kidneys to make sure everything is functioning properly then he'll do a little snip and stitch and she will get to come home with us. He also said there is no rush so I can wait until these infusions are done and Mike is home. Is it weird that sometimes Mike is a DTD? A lot of my friends have told me that they wouldn't want their husbands to be DTDs but I honestly can say it has never bugged me not even for a second.

Anyway, Katie had a great time at the doctors and she announced to anyone who would listen on the way out that she was brave and strong and she likes going to the doctor and where was her lollipop? She got a candy cane that I had planned ahead and put in my purse and just happened to have an extra one for Jessica. My Mom said Katie was so proud giving Jessica her stickers and her candy cane and Jessica was so excited to get them and they hugged and hugged when they saw each other. I was at the bank when their little reunion took place so I missed it. I love sisters.

Looking for that perfect holiday appetizer...

I haven't made these in forever. But my friend Courtney and I made these for every baby shower or party on Andrews AFB that we hosted or attended and each time people told us they were their favorite appetizer they've ever had. I agree that they are way up there and I'm happy to be making them again this holiday season. Adjust the recipe to your crowd. This wil make at least 16 appetizers.

2 boneless skinless chicken breast either poached or baked and shredded.
2 to 3 portobello mushrooms diced very fine. Almost a mince.
2 gloves garlic
1/2 stick butter
1/3 cup chopped italian parsley
8 oz shredded mozzarella cheese
8 oz grated parmasean
2 tubes grand Pilsbury Crescent Rolls unbaked

In a skillet add yoru butter and garlic being careful not to burn your garlic. Add mushrooms and sautee until tender and all the liquid from the mushrooms is evaporated. If you have wet mushrooms you'll be sorry. Add chicken and parsley and heat then take off the heat and add mozzarella cheese and stir to combine. While it's still warm, assemble your appetizers.

Take each crescent roll and pat it out to make it a little bit larger than it would normally be. You'll end up having a large triangle. In the fat part of the triangle spoon some of your chicken mushroom mixture in and roll up like you would a crescent roll but making sure all the edges and sealed and none of the filling is going to leak out. Then roll your little package in the parmasean cheese.

Bake at 375 until they are brown and golden. Serve warm. (I assemble my unbaked appetizer then bake at my hostess's house. They are really good you guys.

Random

I wanted to get a blessing the other night so Bill brought President Val Lewis over with him. When he came in Jessica said "what's your name?" and he said "My name is Val Lewis". So later on when he was getting ready to leave, Grandpa Bill asked Jessica "do you remember his name?" and she said "yes, it is Brand Newis". Huh? I asked her to repeat what she thought his name was and she said "Brand Newis, because he is brand new and has never been to my house before." Val Lewis meet your alter ego Brand Newis.

I love Return of the Jedi. I just watched the Princess Leah in the Gold Bikini scene which I know most boys only remember the gold bikini. But it is actually the scene in which Luke, Han and Chewie are going to be thrown into the sand pit and executed by Jabba the Hut. 3PO translates for Jabba and R2 is serving drinks to Jabba's cronies. Luke does the diving board dive thing and catches his light saber from R2 and they escape and Jabba and all his cronies and the entire Jabba ship goes kabloom while Luke, Han, Leah, Chewie and Lando escape in a sand machine. I love the idea of the Jedi. I love that they are born with special gifts and if they train themselves to use the force they can be the most powerful weapon against evil. I believe in the Jedi. Not in the sci-fi version but in character. There are some people just born with an extra spark of something that you can't quite define. Mike calls Katie his little Jedi. He feels a warrior spirit inside of her and we both feel she has a great mission to fulfill in her life and that she will literally fight evil. We've felt that for a long time. And we know she needs Jessica in order to fulfill her mission in life. We have always felt they were born together for a reason and that they need each other more than they will ever need anyone in their lives. We feel they will not be separated and that they are a balance, a yin and yang, two sides of a coin etc. Luke and Leah were twins too. Thus bringing me back to my original point. Twins AND Return of the Jedi rock.

Yoda just died...tear. But we know that Jedi's never really die. They just appear as holograms when you really need them. See, Obi Wan just showed up as a hologram to tell Luke that Yoda will always be with you.

How cool is Han Solo? Maybe the coolest hero ever? Anyone? Tap tap. Is this thing on?

I need to plan a romantic get away for Mike and I when he comes home. We want to go for 2 to 3 nights max. We want it to be relaxing and relatively close to home. We are going to Hawaii as a family in March so we want to keep this more low key. I was thinking a spa or some other bed and breakfast. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Luke just found out Leah is his sister. It seriously doesn't get better than this.

I think I'm Out of my Coma...

Today, about 1pm a beautiful Princess awoke from a long sleep in which she dreamed many dreams. Her children were handed off from Grandparent to Grandparent while she slumbered unaware of what was happening around her. Thanksgiving came and went. She posted a thankful blog post while very exhausted when she got up for a sec to get some water and tinkle. The princess is thankful to all around her who helped her during this time of slumber and she misses her prince desperately.

I get two infusions this week on Tuesday and Friday then two more the following week then we will evaluate where we are at. Good news is the infusions aren't painful and I didn't have any nausea. I also have no appetite except for crackers, all sorts of crackers. It's very strange. I got REALLY tired about 36 hours after the infusion and that lasted for 3 solid days. Hopefully as my bone marrow makes red blood cells and starts to kick in, I won't get as tired. I had a lot of muscle and bone/joint pain but again as I get more infusions hopefully these symptoms will get less and less. I am so thankful for our families and for my awesome girls who are happier to be with their Grandparents than they are to be with me. I LOVE them. I missed out on Thanksgiving dinner. I tried to go to my Mom and Dad's for dessert but I fell asleep on their bed while watching a cartoon with the girls. So my Dad drove me home. I was pretty out of it that day, Friday and Saturday was the worst. But today has been okay. I got the girls breakfast, got them cleaned up and ready for church. My in laws took them to church then they came back here and I made the girls grilled cheese sandwiches and bananas and didn't feel I needed to take a nap with them when they went down. THAT is a miracle. Because I've been sleeping any chance I can. I'm looking forward to spending some much needed time with them this evening.


Katie goes to see a surgeon tomorrow. She has a little DT issue. (That's code for "down there"-don't make me type it out people) Her DT skin grew together and now has to be surgically separated. She is fine now but once she starts having visits from her Auntie Flow (don't make me type that either) she would have major problems. So we will be taking care of it now. Pray for her. Who wants to have a DT operation? ugh.


I get my next infusion at 3pm on Tuesday. So I'm looking forward to tonight, Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday as strong days and hope with all my hoping that the symptoms will be less this time around because I have to have another infusion Friday which would put me down for the weekend for sure. I am doing a lot of holiday shopping online.

I feel like a total loser. When other people have to load your dishwasher and sweep your crumbs and wash your clothes and grocery shop and bathe your children, it's hard not to sink into deep sadness and have feelings of total failure in life. I am fighting those feelings as hard as I can but I must admit, they get the better of me at times. I think I must be a very "proud" person. I'm using proud in the biblical sense as a boasting, stubborn, egotistical trait. I think the Lord is teaching me that I am not as capable as I think I am. I thought I learned this through infertility. I learned that things don't happen on my time line, that I'm in control of nothing and that the Lord knows best for me what I need which is different from what I want most of the time. So I've been trying to think about what I'm supposed to be learning right now. I think I rely too heavily on Mike so I've been being taught some independence. I've also been reminded how much things are better when Mike and I are together and a team. I've come to better understand the love parents have for their kids. I've been embarrassed because others have seen me with no makeup, messed up hair, hairy legs, a messy house and at my very worse. This part is very hard for me. I cry in front of Mike only. I'm not from a family of criers and have never been a cryer. So to lose it in front of anyone else is super hard for me. I feel like this is affecting Jessica the most because she seems different some how. I feel less able to reach her. I hope with all my heart that this side effect is a temporary one. I think I just take a lot for granted that I should be thankful for. I'm going to try better.

Super Quick Shout of For my Thankfulness

Okay so iron infusions = getting hit over and over by a baseball bat all over your body. It hurts to bend my pinkie toe. I have a major headache and my body just hurts al over. HOWEVER, I could not let Thanksgiving go by with out listing the things we are thankful for.

Me:
My parents and all the help they've given me.
All the other people who have come out of the wood work to help me including my in laws, the rad chicks at church etc etc.
Moder day meds
My girls even though I feel that I am sucking hard as a mom
Finally, my sweet Mike over in Afghanistan who sprained his ankle playing football just like he did when we were seniors and I gave him rides home in my awesome 1977 Celica GT.
My family all of them because I know how blessed I am to have them.


Katie and Jessica are thankful for ALL the people in their family and that Daddy will be home after Christmas. They are also thankful for Ms. Bernadette their preschool teacher.

The World Is My Cheerleader

Thanks to the world for shining on me today. I just really needed it. Yesterday I hit my breaking point. I was exhausted, playdough was not cleaned up and milk was spilled on the floor and the dinner from the night prior had to be thrown away because it was inedible and it spilled in my oven and the mess it made to make it was still in my sink and I just lost my ever lovin' mind. I called my in - laws and they dropped what they were doing and came over and watched the girls so I could go to bed and then my parents came over a few hours later and took the girls home so I could get a decent night's sleep. Katie had a cold since Wednesday and had been coming into my bed each night at 2:30 a..m. to chat until 5:30 a.m. then Jessica had been getting up at 6am and I am already at only about 10% of full functioning from the blood transfusion and the iron issues. However, when I woke up today to Mike's phone call and subsequent pep talk I felt much better. I had a full night's sleep. I had a great chat with my husband who explained that he didn't think I was a loser and that he was fine and we were fine and everything was gonna be okay. I showered. I washed all my bedding. My parents took the girls to get haircuts. I met my parents for lunch with the girls and brought them back to the house. They took full naps. A really great girl in my ward brought over a yummy dinner. I had a blessing. And then I talked to Mike again tonight. All in all, that's a pretty great day. Tomorrow I have my infusion. I feel more peace about it now than I did yesterday even though I am still scared. But it'll be okay in the end and I know these infusions are going to make me feel a lot better. And I even got A LOT of Christmas shopping done online. That really helps my mental state out a lot too.

Thanks to everyone for their prayers and for their positive feelings. I feel very loved today.

Tuesday is Infusion Day

I get my first iron infusion on Tuesday. It takes 3 hours to get. It will make me super sick. I am scared but hoping that I'm one of those rare people who don't get sick and who use the three hours for reflection and fixing some sort of world problem.

Thanksgiving is Thursday. I love Thanksgiving. It's usually a really big deal to me. This year, we are going out to dinner and everyone is trying really hard to pretend that it's no big deal and keeping it really low maintenance just in case I am in a fetal position throwing up my guts in the bathroom then I guess I won't feel bad or remember it's Thanksgiving. I am thankful that I have such amazing people around me who would cancel their entire holiday if I have a sick tummy. But I am determined to slap some lipstick and perfume on and go out to dinner with the group and dress my chicks up in their Paris outfits I got them months ago specifically for Thanksgiving. They even have berets. I LOVE their outfits. I will miss Mike. I find I am dreaming about him more and more these days. I am thinking about when he comes home a lot too. I guess it's because it's getting closer? It's weird. We've been married sixteen years and I can count on one hand the number of dreams I have had about him. But this past week, I have had three dreams just about him. We are on vacation, or hanging out or he is in some danger or I am in some danger and he is saving me.

I watched Iron Man this weekend. It made me think of what sort of super hero I would like to be and what sort of super powers I would want to have. First for me 100% for sure would be the ability to get ready instantly. Remember in Bewitched when Samantha would twinkle her nose and she would be showered, hair done, makeup on, dressed and ready to go? That would be the ultimate super power to have. I HATE getting ready. I used to love it before kids. The whole pampering ritual. Now, I HATE it. It's the most gigantic waste of time. The thought of how long it takes to blow dry my hair makes me sick.

Okay okay, the second super power I'd like to have is to be rich. They are all rich. Except for Super Man. And he could never get it all done and keep his apartment clean and grocery shop and stop trains. So I would take the money that Bruce Wayne has. I guess Spiderman isn't rich either. But he's my least favorite super hero so it's basically like he doesn't count.

Also, I would like to be able to be invisible. Especially if I couldn't have super power number one.

So basically I'd be a rich invisible woman who can put on lipstick instantly. Look out bad guys!

Right now, the girls are playing playdough and they are making Thanksgiving pies and making molds of owls. They are sooooooo busy. I always thought I'd have the type of kids that would be so chill and just want to take naps and cuddle with me and read and stuff. Instead, they are busy and loud (well I guess I could have predicted that one) and they have to do something at all times or they freak out. And they sleep good at night and nap okay but its' not like they would want to just take a nap just because it's a Sunday or anything.

These are my ramblings right now. It's going to be a rough couple of days. Wish me luck.

Thanksgiving 3 year old style

The Thanksgiving mini feast was Thursday at preschool. I was not feeling well due to this whole iron situation so my super hero parents took the girls for their feast. Gotta love the pilgrim hats. The boy w/Jessica is the boy she and Katie like the best. He's super cute.

It's the most WONDERFUL time of the year!

There is a secret about being a parent that they don't tell you before you have kids. It's called the FOOTIE PAJAMA SYNDROME. Whenever your kids have footie pajamas on, you are completely overpowered by their cuteness that you'll do anything and let them get away with so many things you would normally never let them do sans booties. And this is my last footie season. They only make them in 5T and the girls need the length once they are washed. So I am enjoying putting these delicious pajamas on them as soon as they come out of the dryer and then I hold them and smell them and cuddle them and when I go to cover them in the night they are warm and toasty and so cute I could EAT THEM WITH A SPOON. I love Footie Pajamas you guys.

Tagged from Idaho

Marie I love you for tagging me. It makes me feel all warm and excited just like it did in the third grade when I actually GOT tagged. And you are cuter than that creepy Tommy Manazack that tagged me back then so I happy to respond.

7 Things:

7Things I Can Do

SleepWaste Time
Love My Girls
Avoid the outside world especially my phone
Shop online
Crush amazing amounts of ice in my teeth
Watch Dancing with the Stars and do the EXACT dance they are doing with the girls right at the same moment it's happening. It's a miracle.

7 Things I can't do
Dance
Be Fake and pretend I have my crap together when I know I am one expired milk carton away from leaving all this for fame in Hollywood.
Run
Tuck my shirt into my jeans
Sing
Organize and mail and pay the bills
Make really great spaghetti

7 Things I say

Totally

Like

No Way
No
You have no more chances
I love you
Thanks

7 Things I eat
Diet Coke
Shrimp Cocktail
Quesadillas
Tacos
Fruit
Salty snacks
ice

7 People to do this...
Amber
Heather
Kori
Jody
Cort
Auntie Lori
My Mom (she won't)

Iron Woman I am Not

We all know about Iron Man Triathlons right? I would like to address the term "Iron Man" with our class today. This term is meant to denote strength, endurance, unbreakability, speed and toughness. An IRON man is supposedly better than like a RUBBER man or a PLASTIC man or even a COPPER man. IRON men are the toughest.

Well this week I found out that my body contains no iron. My blood is iron less. This has happened to a certain extent in the past. It's why I've had two blood transfusions prior to last Monday's 4 units of fresh red stuff. However, upon further study, it has been discovered that it is not blood that I lack but iron. This explains a lot to me. I have for a long time felt very un-iron-man if you get my drift. Endurance has been a very big struggle for me. I chalked it up to two three year olds and a husband who works a ton and a husband who is gone to war and being away from family then being near family and the fact that I'm unorganized and lazy and I don't eat enough rare meat and spinach. Now I know that regardless of these things, I was eventually going to drop like a dirty sock. And now I have. Dropped that is. And then I laid there for days and days and slept and slept and probably smelled like a dirty sock when I finally emerged from my cave. Now I'm on day 2 of feeling more like myself. Which is great. However, if I do not have iron infusions of a big amount I will drop again and soon. So I will be getting iron infusions once each week for 8-12 weeks. It's VERY much like chemotherapy for those of you familiar with that except I should not lose my hair. But it will make me very sick and I will probably have a hard time with these little infusions. But they will make me stronger. So I will kick their ASS. I will load up with anti nausea meds and people magazines and Rocky 3 theme songs and get my Iron and get stronger. If I can shoot myself in the ass 115 days straight with a big ol needle filled with a hormone in oil and get it inside my muscle I can do this right? (That was during infertility)I'm going to get this iron and then there's no stopping me. I may even try and go watch a triathlon, if there's a beach near by and an umbrella drink. ha ha.

Heart Thumps

Sometimes stuff happens in my day that makes my heart feel like somebody extracts it from my chest and dumps it on the floor. It's not always a bad feeling, sometimes it's just because I am overcome with emotion both good and bad. For example, here are my heart thump moments from today

Jessica and Katie got into bed with me and I laid in the middle and they both scooted over to me until we were one mass on tangled limbs and bodies and it was quiet and we just were.

Katie woke up from her nap today crying. When I went into her room and gathered her up she said she was sad that it wasn't Valentines Day. I was totally confused. I said "honey, aren't you excited? Tomorrow is your Thanksgiving party at school, not Valentines Day." And her eyes were all filled with tears and she said "yeah, but if it was Valentines day tomorrow then Christmas would already happened and my Daddy would be home". ugh...well ya got me there kid.

Jessica and I napped together and the whole time she slept she wrapped her arms around my arm like it was her teddy bear and if I tried to move she tightened her grip. When she woke up I told her she could go out into the family room and play or she could stay in here with me and she just rolled over and into me like a spoon.

My Relief Society President came over tonight who is a mom of four boys I think and is super busy and has a ton of responsibility and was here with baked goods to offer her help to me during this time. I told her it was so hard for me to ask for help because I think of her life and how busy it is and I hate the idea that I'm adding to what she already has on her plate and she says it stresses her out more at night when she thinks that there are people in the ward that have needs that aren't being met or known about and she'd rather rock a baby or clean a house or visit somebody because it just made her LESS stressed out. And she meant it.

Tonight before bed Katie and I did Miss Mary Mac which is a clapping and singing game that I think my Grandma taught to me. While we sang it clapping our hands together, she on my lap we locked eyes as we sang and the joy and love I got back from her gaze during this silly little song about nothing was more moving to me than when I locked eyes with Mike during our wedding. (sorry mike) It was just one of those moments when my soul said to her soul "I KNOW YOU".

My cousins Jeff and Ali are having a little boy after experiencing sheer joy for the past two years with their little girl. They are awesome parents and my Auntie Lori is an awesome Grammie and my Uncle T is an awesome Papa and now they are going from pink to blue, from one to two and I am just so thrilled for all of them. Jeff is amazing at fishing like he could be pro easy and world famous and feed our whole family for EVER in the event of a disaster so I am so happy he will have a son to pass along fishing to like his Dad did for him. I know I know, I'm being sexist and their daughter Emi already has a fly rod but it's easier with a boy to pass on fishing than it is to a girl. So I am so happy for him and for all of them and I already have some custom onesies picked out.

These were my thump moments. Do you have them too?

Grammie and Papa Camp

I need to type this just so it's recorded for the girls and so I remember to never let this happen again to me.

Since I've been sick and in bed for what seems like days and days, the girls have been with my Mom and Dad. They slept in their own beds for the first time in a week last night. While I've been slumbering away dreaming about escaping exploding buildings with Christian Slater, losing Jessica at Disneyland, hanging out doing various things with Mike, freezing on an Alaskan cruise and shopping for myself and all the clothes were sized 4T...my GIRLS have been at Grammie and Papa camp. I'm still exhausted, still unable to do much more than sit, sleep and well, that's it. It's even hard for me to talk if you can believe it. But Katie and Jessica's lives have been full of growth and learning.

Jessica: has learned to count to 100. Can sight read over 20 words and can sound out simple words like can, sit and if. Has learned the words to the songs Tisket and Tasket, I am three three three, Santa Claus is coming to town. She has mastered new games on her Leapster like Clifford, Nemo and Puppy Pal. Her drawing has improved and she is very aware of what time it is and will announce the time to you every five minutes or so. (she did not know any of this stuff a week ago) I've also noticed she's been a lot more service oriented to her sister like getting Sophie for Katie and doing things for others and trying to help. This is not Jessica's natural way of doing things so I know my Mom and Dad have encouraged her to do this and she's really enjoying the praise.

Katie: If she feels like it she can count to 100 but she really has to be in the mood. She can drink 100% out of a big girl cup and knows that when she gets milk on her upper lip it's called a "MOOSTASH" because milk comes from MOO cows. She can also sight read words and sound them out but I don't know how many or what they are because she has to be in the mood to do it. She can sing the same songs Jessica can if she's in the mood. But she will ALWAYS show you her type of Yoga which is a spastic combo of ballet and spinning and hopping on one foot and will also show you Mama's type of Yoga which is the traditional stretching, touching toes and various poses like downward dog. She also has learned to cheat. She and her sister have contests of who can stand on one foot the longest and Katie has learned to slightly touch her foot that is up to a chair or some other stable point and pretend she is not doing it. She is turning into a cry baby if she doesn't get her way but if she wins something she high fives everybody and life is a big party.

My parents are saints. They embody the meaning of family and service and love. They just took over because I could not. They did my grocery shopping, picked up my house, took my kids to the bouncey place, made them Grammie and Papa specials every morning for breakfast, took them to the mall (BRAVE) so they could ride the merry go round, let them nap with Papa and sleep with Grammie in the big bed every night. My Dad made me soup and my parents brought me dinner. They brought my babies so I could hug and kiss them and seemed to know just when to leave as I was getting too tired. I love my parents. I'm an only child. We aren't an I love you, lovey dovey type of family. But they really are my team and my friends and my mom and dad. I told them I could never repay them for what they've done for me. But I promised them that I would be there to do the same for Katie and Jessica one day. I'm so thankful for all the prayers and offers of help. I wish I was better at thinking and I wish my mind was clearer so that I could know what I needed. I'm sorry for that. I think in time, I'll be able to think clearer but I'm still in a fog.

We got to web cam with Mike today which was great. He misses the girls so much and I know this has been really hard for him being away. I love him so much for his support and for his love for all of us. I know he is working so hard and is so tired and I know he wishes he could be here and so do I and just really need him to know when he reads this that I love him so much and I wouldn't ever pick anyone else to be married to and I just wish this time were over.