This is going to be a pretty personal post. There are some who might wonder why I share things from my inner most places on a blog anyone can read. It's because I have found tremendous freedom in expressing things that are deeply personal in which ANYONE can read. I feel free, lighter, courageous. Sorry if I sound like I'm bragging but this blog has brought that wonderful feeling of truly unleashing my burdens and worries, shouting my joys from the rooftops and ramble uselessly just in case I feel like it.
I've been wondering a lot lately if I've been sinking into some sort of chemical depression or am just experiencing being a flawed and normal human. Here's my case, for anyone who would like to weigh in.
My history. I have had two bouts of chemical depression in which I needed to take medicine in order to feel more stable. The first time was when I was 30. I took Prozac for 18 months. I was able to take stalk of my life during this time and change a lot of things. It was tremendously helpful and I feel that the medication didn't solve a single problem but gave me the ability to step back from my life with perspective and make the changes I wanted to make. The second time was post pardom depression after the girls. I had years of hormone shots and infertility treatments that left me whacked out. When those babies were born, I went hormonally gaga. I wasn't one of those mothers that couldn't be alone with her baby or wanted to kill myself . But those chicks are out there and if you know one you need to get them some help. But I cried int he shower, cried in my bedroom, cried cried cried, rarely slept and cried more. I am not a weepy person. But it was like the weepies took up personal residence in my brain. Oh the tissue I went through. This lasted a year. I have been off meds for about 18 months now.
So here I am wondering if I am starting to slip back into depression or I'm just human. There are moments that I have where the joy I feel for my life is overwhelming. I feel happy, optimistic and just fine. But then I watch Mama Mia and find myself curled on the couch weeping uncontrollably when Meryl Streep is helping her daughter get ready for her wedding. I find myself crying all the time to Christmas music but my husband is deployed to the desert. I feel like a mom loser most days but then I have sparks of genius. I am tired ALL the time. I am overwhelmed ALL the time. I haven't time for friendships or social obligations. I have lost interest in some of the things I used to really enjoy like entertaining and hanging with a girlfriend and working. I go back and forth between hating Christms and loving seeing it through my kids eyes. I feel like a frump with no makeup and an old toothbrush and I feel like I look gross most of the time. I would prefer to jump up and shake my boogie but I'm so damn tired that there is no shake in my boogie at all.
So here's what I'm wondering...am I depressed or just human for what I'm feeling? Do I need meds or just some stability in my life? How do you get through life without feeling crazy? Do you just have amazing energy all the time? Do you not care about stuff like TV? Cuz I do man. I love TV. I am seeking other resolutions to this problemas than those that could be answered with some vodka. So given my situation, depression or human reaction? Help
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Honey, I think you're human. :) I've been off my medications now for almost 2 years for the first time in a looooooong time and even if I'm on antidepressants, I'm usually depressed this time of year. You have a lot going on right now! Things will get better, ok? I'll send prayers your way, and if you want, you can always call me ok? Just think in the next few weeks/months... you're goign to get your husband back and we have ORLANDO to look forward to!!! Sending you truckloads and truckloads of love!!!!!!
Amelia
I would agree with you on how the meds work...they totally do nothing, but give you some way to cope and take perspecitive on your life. I've been depressed a few times before too. I would venture to say that you are indeed depressed, I would be if I were in your shoes. I am no co-dependant by any means, I do okay alone...however, when Travis is gone I have trouble doing all the parenting by myself, it's exhausting and I have no desire to do anything else with anyone else ever. If for no other reason maybe get back on just to cope for a few months...then you can go off again...let me know if I can help in any way....
I don't really know what to tell you. Clinical depression runs in my family. I've never taken any medication, but sometimes I wonder......... But then I remember what Tom always says (he's not a pill pusher, even though he himself SHOULD be on lipitor...) If I exercised and went to bed at a normal hour, then I would feel better. But.........another husbandless holiday is upon us, it's dark and wet outside, and we are over-whelmed by our children. I don't think that makes us crazy...... So I guess I'm going to have to go with......we're human??
Post a Comment