I think I'm Out of my Coma...

Today, about 1pm a beautiful Princess awoke from a long sleep in which she dreamed many dreams. Her children were handed off from Grandparent to Grandparent while she slumbered unaware of what was happening around her. Thanksgiving came and went. She posted a thankful blog post while very exhausted when she got up for a sec to get some water and tinkle. The princess is thankful to all around her who helped her during this time of slumber and she misses her prince desperately.

I get two infusions this week on Tuesday and Friday then two more the following week then we will evaluate where we are at. Good news is the infusions aren't painful and I didn't have any nausea. I also have no appetite except for crackers, all sorts of crackers. It's very strange. I got REALLY tired about 36 hours after the infusion and that lasted for 3 solid days. Hopefully as my bone marrow makes red blood cells and starts to kick in, I won't get as tired. I had a lot of muscle and bone/joint pain but again as I get more infusions hopefully these symptoms will get less and less. I am so thankful for our families and for my awesome girls who are happier to be with their Grandparents than they are to be with me. I LOVE them. I missed out on Thanksgiving dinner. I tried to go to my Mom and Dad's for dessert but I fell asleep on their bed while watching a cartoon with the girls. So my Dad drove me home. I was pretty out of it that day, Friday and Saturday was the worst. But today has been okay. I got the girls breakfast, got them cleaned up and ready for church. My in laws took them to church then they came back here and I made the girls grilled cheese sandwiches and bananas and didn't feel I needed to take a nap with them when they went down. THAT is a miracle. Because I've been sleeping any chance I can. I'm looking forward to spending some much needed time with them this evening.


Katie goes to see a surgeon tomorrow. She has a little DT issue. (That's code for "down there"-don't make me type it out people) Her DT skin grew together and now has to be surgically separated. She is fine now but once she starts having visits from her Auntie Flow (don't make me type that either) she would have major problems. So we will be taking care of it now. Pray for her. Who wants to have a DT operation? ugh.


I get my next infusion at 3pm on Tuesday. So I'm looking forward to tonight, Monday, Tuesday and most of Wednesday as strong days and hope with all my hoping that the symptoms will be less this time around because I have to have another infusion Friday which would put me down for the weekend for sure. I am doing a lot of holiday shopping online.

I feel like a total loser. When other people have to load your dishwasher and sweep your crumbs and wash your clothes and grocery shop and bathe your children, it's hard not to sink into deep sadness and have feelings of total failure in life. I am fighting those feelings as hard as I can but I must admit, they get the better of me at times. I think I must be a very "proud" person. I'm using proud in the biblical sense as a boasting, stubborn, egotistical trait. I think the Lord is teaching me that I am not as capable as I think I am. I thought I learned this through infertility. I learned that things don't happen on my time line, that I'm in control of nothing and that the Lord knows best for me what I need which is different from what I want most of the time. So I've been trying to think about what I'm supposed to be learning right now. I think I rely too heavily on Mike so I've been being taught some independence. I've also been reminded how much things are better when Mike and I are together and a team. I've come to better understand the love parents have for their kids. I've been embarrassed because others have seen me with no makeup, messed up hair, hairy legs, a messy house and at my very worse. This part is very hard for me. I cry in front of Mike only. I'm not from a family of criers and have never been a cryer. So to lose it in front of anyone else is super hard for me. I feel like this is affecting Jessica the most because she seems different some how. I feel less able to reach her. I hope with all my heart that this side effect is a temporary one. I think I just take a lot for granted that I should be thankful for. I'm going to try better.