My First Mothers Day

I feel like tomorrow will be my first Mother's Day. For so long, Mother's Day was a much dreaded day. For the first few years when we were trying to have a baby, I held my chin high, went to church, listened to the talks on Mothers, listened to the idiots that said you will never reach your true potential until you are a mother and smiled politely at all the mothers who proudly looked down the bench at their brood, dabbing their eyes bursting with pride. I took their heartfelt looks of sympathy, the hugs that said "hang in there" and the token chocolate dipped strawberry given at the chapel door. Then, after a few years, I just couldn't fake it anymore. Some years, I pulled the covers over my head and hid in bed until the day was done. Some years, I cried. My favorite years found me doing something to excess that you could never do as a Mom; reading for hours alone at a diner, going shopping and buying myself something frivolous like $50 eye cream or a $200 designer hand bag. Most years, a good portion of the day was spent eating some sort of ice cream from the container and crying... a lot. After I had my girls in April of 05, Mother's Day was right around the corner. Everyone was so excited for me. I got cards, phone calls and many sweet well wishes for the friend/sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece for whom they prayed this day would come. As for me, I don't remember much except I wore black. I read my cards and opened my gifts with a detached sense of reality and had the same ache in my heart that had always been there. But this time it was worse, I had what I had dreamed of...two perfect little girls...why wasn't I happy? I suppose I was just used to feeling irritated and depressed on this day. And then there was Mother's Day 2006 and 2007. These were spent much like those first few years of trying to have a baby. Just going through the motions , reminding myself I did NOT have to be bitter or sad anymore. But then I thought about all of the nameless women that I went through invitro with and I wondered if any of them were in their beds with their covers over their heads waiting for the day to end. I tried to shake my bad attitude but it just seemed to linger like a gray cloud over the beautiful spring days. I just didn't feel like this holiday included me after being on the outside looking in for so long.

So, finally this year, 2008, I feel like this year will be my first Mother's day. It's the first year I haven't worked and have been a full time mother. It's the first year the girls have lovingly picked out cards and presents and keep trying to tell me what my surprises are. We are home for the first time since I had kids so I get to watch the joy and pride in my own mothers eyes as she watches my daughters. And I get to be with my Grandmothers which I am truly grateful for. I haven't spent a Mother's Day with them in 12 years and I am so excited to celebrate the legacy of strong females in my family. After a year of wiping bottoms, feeding, holding, cheering and coaching, I feel finally ready. And you know what, there's no gray cloud. Not a hint of showers. Just sun, bright and warm on my face and I feel ready to celebrate Amy...she's a mother now.

Happy Mother's Day to all the incredible women in my life...you guys rock.