I wish we could just do "do overs" for some days. Like today. I know this blog has been sort of a downer lately with Mike leaving and all but I try really hard to keep this blog honest and reflective of what we are doing and going through. And this past week has just sort of sucked. But today sucked in that special sort of way where you feel like the universe mounts your head like a dog and just humps the heck out of it.
So it was my birthday today. (sunday) We already celebrated before Mike left with fun family dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and cake at Grammie Bea's. But I didn't sleep Saturday night. I had achey sore legs all night and left me getting up to stretch every 15 minutes to try to work out the charlie horses and kinks. And I just didn't sleep one wink. I was already on the edge emotionally and this just put the cherry on top of my pity party sundae. My sweet mom and dad took the kids in the morning so I could get some much needed rest after my legs finally calmed down. This was necessary but made me feel like a big loser for missing church. Then, Mike called and was all formal and weird on the phone and was able to talk for like 2 minutes. I got irritated in that 2 minutes and just wanted him to understand that I was tired and cranky and missing him so much. So then, after I woke up, the self pity just engulfed me and I spent some considerable time on my bed crying and feeling sorry for myself and wishing I wasn't so old, so far away from my husband, that I had not gotten irritated when he called, that I was skinnier, that I had pulled it together to take my butt to church, that I was enjoying my life more, that I had more friends, that my fingernail polish on my thumb wasn't chipped and that I hadn't eaten a half of bag of pistachios in the middle of the night before. This lead to more crying and a big headache. I ended the night with a very nice birthday dinner with mom, dad and my chicks and my parents were cool, didn't pry and reaffirmed their offers of help and encouragement over and over again. Mike called late this evening and explained he was around like 50 people when he called before and was sorry he was all stiff and formal and that he would just have to get used to everyone around him hearing everything he said and he filled me in on what his life has been like this week and I felt ever so much better. So instead of celebrating my life and blessings and health and family today, I spent wasteful time boo-hooing my little silly problems and picking apart everything going wrong in my life.
So, I vow here and now to make an attitude adjustment here and now. The negative thinking and self pity end now. I have to get it together and I'm going to. This just has been harder than I thought it would be. But I'm determined to pull my head out of my butt and get my smile on effective immediately. Hopefully, my posts will go back to reflecting the love I have for my life. Because I know I'm really lucky. I just have an easy time forgetting it.
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3 comments:
i'm sorry things have been so crazy for you! i think you and the girls should come over for a bbq. please let me know when you feel up to it.
I'm so sorry you had a bad day. I wish I was there with you so I could help you more. I'm proud of you for wanting to have a better attitude, but remember, it's OK to have a hard day once in a while. Sometimes it's theraputic to sit around and cry your eyes out and feel sorry for yourself. You wake up the next day wondering what all the fuss was about and you feel so much stronger and better. I love you. Happy Birthday. I'm soooooo sorry I didn't call you. I had a little break down of my own yesterday and just completely shut down, how selfish am I? I'm the worst friend ever,but I realized this morning and have been trying to call you. CAll me when you get time.
I felt the same way you probably did after mom died. It was the first Mother's day after she had died. I didn't go to church. I cried on the floor of my bedroom and my bed and just soaked up the self pity. Finally I rolled over on my knees and prayed HARD! Shortly after I started to feel better. After that I started to feel like a dumb ass because they came home from church and I realized that it was Mother's day and which meant the my kids got to sing on the stand and I wasn't there for them to sing, "Mother I love you, Mother I do..." How dumb was I, I let my own kids down. I didn't mean too, but I did. It was a wake up call to me at the time. That regardless of what I have going on, they have stuff happening also and I needed to be there for them and wasn't. Don't kick yourself about it, just move on. This kinda stuff happens to all of us from time to time. Just be a better person today...It's ok to cry, sometimes you have too!
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