Is HOPE alive?

I want my kids to make good choices. For example, when I put them to bed at night, I want them to go to sleep. Every night I give them a pep talk about how important it is that they obey and go to bed and not play or jump or turn on the light. And every night I walk out thinking they are going to follow my directions. Then two point one minutes go by and the light is on and someone is swan diving from the railings on their beds. I have tried EVERYTHING. If I were to increase the Alpha dog routine, I would have to cross some serious parenting no-nos. And not to say I'll never go there but I just am not there yet. Why don't they make good choices? Why do they climb on each other in the tub even though I have pointed out, very dramatically, that they could KILL their sissie? Why do they choose to spread crap all over their play room when they are supposed to be picking it up? Why do they refuse to go to bed these days? I have been like Simon Legree over the past few days. I realized that when their Dad left I really eased up around here. I let them sleep with me and get away with crap they'd never get away with before. I felt bad for them and I felt bad for me and I just wanted all of us to get in my bed, eat cookies and have a big ol pile of girl time. But you know what? They AREN'T my girlfriends. They are my daughters and they don't need a girlfriend, they have each other. They need a mother who is constant and has expectations of behavior that is respectful and obedient. I realized what a huge dis-service I have done to them by allowing them to not obey and follow directions. So now, I had to reign them in over the past few days and it seems like it's been a never ending parade of "i said do it" "because I said so and you need to mind mama" "time out! now" "go to your room and spend some time there please" "you have no chances, you need to mind because mama told you to" and singing the "when my mother calls me quickly I'll obey song until I am so sick of it I was to disobey myself" They went to bed last night with only me having to go into their room one time. Tonight I didn't have to go in once. They went straight to bed. I did put them down close to 10 o'clock though. So in all fairness they were really tired. I'm still putting the win in my column though.

So gentle reader...do you have any ideas for me? What do you do or did you do to help three year olds make good choices?

p.s. - Yes I know some kids set the living room on fire on purpose and yes I know I should count my lucky stars that my kids are even willing to listen and I know my expectations seem high of them and I know I need to be realistic. But you guys haven't seen these kids over the past week. It's been more than I can handle. So I needed to make some changes. Don't judge me. Well go ahead and judge me just realize your judgements will make me cry and that I have two, count them, two three year olds that are ganging up on me and trying to overtake the ol'homestead. So give me ideas - please.

Small Moments

If you have time to read one post this week - read this one: http://www.zenmoments.org/the-cab-ride-ill-never-forget/ . It reminded me of the sacredness that can exist in being of service to another and the way heaven opens sometimes just a smidgen so we can truly see for one moment what we all mean to each other.

My life is filled right now with small moments. My kids have been feeling crummy with colds so I've spent a lot of time snuggled in my bed with books, videos, tickling backs and tummies, running my fingers through 3 year old hair and singing softly little songs. Yesterday, I took a nap with Jessica. When she woke up she told me that it was my favorite part of the day. When she wakes up from her nap and I get to hold her. So we held, and hugged and told each other how much we loved each other and our family. Today, I took a nap with Katie. Before she drifted to sleep we kissed and hugged and told each other that we thought we were a good mama/daughter and how happy we are. She then stroked my hair like I do to her as I drifted off to sleep. I awoke before her and there was my first born and I...in the exact same position as when we drifted off to sleep. Me snuggled into her neck and her arms around me with one hand in my hair. Exactly the opposite of how we have fallen asleep a million times. Today, I did something for them that seemed to bring them more happiness than any cool game, video, outing or anything I've done since Mike left. I made them PB&J and chocolate milk. This is their special thing they eat with their Dad every Saturday for lunch. They were so excited. Jessica said "thank you mama. thank you SO SO much." I guess they were missing the comfort of this simple lunch and the happy memory they have of their Dad eating it with them.

Life is full of small moments. If you look around - it seems like life is about BIG moments like running for President, starring in a movie, going to war, fancy cars, vacations, clothes. But it's not. Life unfolds itself in quiet, simple and very small ways and for me at least... I will remember these moments when my baby who isn't a baby anymore snuggled into me and told me I was her friend. It doesn't get any better than that.

My ROCKIN' Friday Night...

I remember the olden days. Friday nights were chalked full of possibilities. I would spend hours primping getting my purple eyeshadow just right. I would emerge from my bathroom in a cloud of Salon Selectives Hairspray, Liz Claiborne perfume and grab my EXTRA green minty gum, my photo key chain and head out for a night on the town. This would consist of a home football game, laughing a lot, dancing to the band's rendition of TEQUILA!, leaning back in the bleachers into some guy's lap and not paying attention at all to the game. Then, I'd head over to the cafeteria for the big dance where at some point in the night we would all go down down down to Rock Lobster. After the final song, we'd head over to the McDonald's parking lot where we would get out of our cars and hang. There were skateboard dudes doing tricks, some kids were drinking, some were making out, some were probably buying or selling pot, some were just cruising by in order to be seen. Sometime before the stroke of midnight, I'd head home. It was policy at my house that I would be grounded one day for every minute I was late after midnight so I was never ever ever late. I'd talk on the phone, spread Oxy10 all over my face and fall asleep with my walkman and Depeche Mode tape on sometime in the wee hours of the morning just to be awakened at 8am by my Mom blasting classic rock because it was Saturday morning and that meant cleaning at our house which meant a lot of Doobey Brothers, Boston and Earth Wind and Fire. I miss those Friday nights.

Tonight, I spent 12 minutes getting all dolled up which meant choosing a shirt with no stain and was relatively unwrinkled, slapping on some Bare Minerals, cheek stain and deodorant and throwing my hair in a scarf. During this 12 minutes I was instructing the girls to strip naked. Strip. Take off your clothes. No your clothes. Stop jumping on my bed. Stop jumping. Stop. Take off your shirt. Your shirt! Now your pants. Gooooood. Put them in the hamper. Now. Stop running around naked. Stop running. Stop. Stop. Then, I proceeded to get them dressed and left the house at 4:57 pm which was 3 minutes ahead of schedule. Oooops, we forgot Sofie in the house. Screeeech, turn around the van, go back to the house and get Sofie. And cups of water because certain people were THIIIIIRRRRRSTYYYY. Now, we are 6 minutes late. But we are going out tonight so help me. We head to the fine dining establishment of "On The Boarder" Mexican Restaurant 30 minutes away from my house where we meet my Mom, Dad, Grammie Bea and my Grandma Houlie. An order of steak fajitas, chicken strips for the girls and an entire basket of chips later, we head to Grandma Houlie's for dessert. After several attempted conversations with totally DEAF OLD PEOPLE (i love these old people but there were 3 deaf people there - sorry Dad - and they can't hear anything so conversation is like huh? repeat. huh? repeat.) I left with Mom and drove to my parents house where the girls were going to sleep. I was told several times they did NOT want to sleep at our house and I could come by tomorrow and PICK THEM UP so I took them there and hit the road. What would I do when faced with the rest of the evening to myself? I noticed parked cars lined my parents neighborhood - there was a home football game just finishing. I drove by that same McDonalds parking lot and wondered if it would be the site of some teenager's first beer, or kiss, or fight later that night. As for me....I headed to Nugget. Our local grocery store. I slowly walked down the aisles savoring a Diet Coke and the opportunity to look at greeting cards and different cheeses and olive oils. Then, I headed to Blockbuster thinking I would rent a great chick flick. I ended up with six kids videos and Made of Honor starring Amber's boyfriend but they are still out in the van and I've been home for like two hours. Instead, I was dying to watch the debate that I recorded. What a SNOREFEST!!! (Except for the part where my Barack O'Boyfriend spanked McCain about the Iraq war.) It was like two people who have the same stand on the same issues trying to find something to fight about. The low point came when McCain said "I looked into Putin's eyes and I saw a letter "K" a "G" and a "B"." huh???? I was thinking I was looking into McCain's eyes and I was seeing it was time for his old guy meds.

In any case, that is how I've spent my Friday night. It's now five minutes past my old curfew so I think I'll go to bed with the 80's station on in the background just for sentimentality sake. Nighty night.

Croc Hunter

Laugh if you will. Think what you may of me, I loved Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. I didn't care for his show in particularly, but his passion for life and preserving wildlife to me was so obviously sincere. The only thing that he seemed to be more passionate about than that was his wife and daughter. I watched the Croc Hunter episode where they took their honeymoon and when she gave birth to Bindy. I know he is controversial and some people hate him but the love he had for his wife and daughter was very moving to me.

Today for the first time since Mike left - Teri and Bindi Irwin, his family came on a show I was watching. I just started bawling when they walked out. I saw the look his wife had as she put her arm around their daughter and it was like I could read her mind. The look in her eyes was focused on her daughter and happy to be doing this interview but was also just so tired and weary. I think when you have a Dad for your kids that is so crazy about them and such a tremendous influence on them, the void their absence leaves writes itself on your face. It's exactly how I feel right now. And when I think that her Mike Meeker isn't coming back and that she'll never have that feeling of being left out again my heart just breaks a little. What I mean by that is that there's sometimes when Mike is with the girls and they are doing their college football thing or their wonderpets playing, I feel totally like the 4th wheel... left out and so boring and small. And I LOVE it. I love watching them...I love being left out and so totally ignored. I'm sure boring Teri Irwin felt that way a lot with her wild husband and daughter who were so two peas in a pod. And I look at her face and I know she is an actual person walking this earth living my worst nightmare. I know she felt about her husband the way I feel about Mike and that she was loved the way I am. It just hurts to see her even though I admire her work and the carrying on of her husband's crusade to help animals.

But today, as she seemed to sag a bit at the commercial break, I just wished she could have her husband back. And I feel such gratitude that mine will take off his boots tonight after his long work day, log on to our family blog and read this. Come home soon Mike. I'm fine and happy and so are the girls but we just aren't the same without you.

1st Field Trip

Today the girls had their first field trip of their lives and I have no photos to document the blessed event. But I will describe it in such detail that we won't need pictures. Just joking. But I would like to recap a few moments just for posterity sake. I have no idea what field trips have to do with posterity but you know what I mean.

The 3 year old class met at a local grocery store today for a tour behind the scenes. They have been making their own grocery store inside their classroom where the kids have been bringing empty/clean containers of grocery items and they now have to aisles of a store with cash register and a couple of shopping carts. They are doing a whole month focused on learning about food starting with where it comes from, to what is good for our bodies to making and preparing of various snacks. So the tour of the grocery store kicked off this focus at school. They got to go inside the freezer (Katie hated this part), they got to wave to the people buying milk and yogurt from inside the milk case, they got to watch pork chops being wrapped in plastic, bread being made, stock being stored, cardboard being crushed in a big compactor and all sorts of cool grocery types of stuff. They got to see a whole dead fish and look inside it's mouth (gross) then watch it join it's "friends" in the fish case. The highlights (for my kids at least) were that they got to eat watermelon, cheese & salami in the deli and got a cookie with their initial on it at the end. Oh, and they got goodie bags. Jessica was IN LOVE with the idea that her teachers were there with her at the store. When she sees her main teacher she sort of freaks out like the chick is Hannah Montana. Seriously, she practices how she's going to greet her teacher everyday on the way to preschool and then how she's going to hug her and then what she's going to tell her. Need to please, party of ONE. Katie stands in the middle of the largest group of kids that she can find and makes jokes to anyone who will listen and hugs the kids and every new kid that comes into the group she has to make sure they see her and get hugged and she usually starts running and kids start to chase her while she squeals with delight and grabs Jessica who is jumping up and down watching it all unfold. Then the two of them are running together being chased by the throng of kids until they switch direction and they start to chase the others. It's hard not to predict or think about how they will interact socially later on in school because it seems so defined now. Katie doesn't seem to care if she has the right answer or if she's on track with what is supposed to be happening as long as everyone is laughing and having fun. Jessica worries, plans and thinks about how preschool will go long before she gets there, is so excited to receive any sort of praise from her teacher and is bouncing up and down in excitement to answer questions, write her name or participate in any sort of organized learning.

In any case, the field trip was a resounding success and the girls are so excited for the next time they get to go "field tripping." Thanks to Grandma Meeker who went with us which the girls both really enjoyed.

Bedtime Stories With a Message...

I didn't intend to scar my kids for life or anything. First I'll tell the bedtime story I told tonight then I'll tell you about the reaction I got. Feel free to turn me into CPS anytime.

Once upon a time there was a Mama who was so happy. And she had two babies that she loved so much and that made her happy. And one day the Daddy of their house had to go on a long trip for work. And the Mama decided that while the Daddy was gone she would work really hard to make sure her babies were extra happy. So she took them to the park, and made them ballerina dresses, a played games like Elefun with them and twirled and danced and let them sleep in her big bed with her and snuggle in the morning. And the babies were so happy and the Mama was so happy and they hugged and kissed everyday. But one day the babies decided they didn't want to obey and mind the Mama anymore. And the Mama was so sad. And the babies climbed on the couch by the window where it is dangerous, and they broke the closet door and spilled Sprite on the big girl chairs at the table. And when the Mama told them to please not do these things they laughed and did them anyway. And the Mama was sooooo sad. Because she just wanted everyone in the house to be happy and laugh and twirl and hug and kiss. So one day she told the babies about how sad she was and they felt really bad that they hadn't minded their Mama and that they had made her be sad. So they decided from that moment that they would always obey her and follow the rules and quickly mind her so they didn't get hurt and they could all be happy and dance and have so much fun. And then the Mama was so happy again that she could do things that were nice for her babies like go fun places and go to preschool and give them treats. The End.

REACTION: Katie is near tears. Jessica is frantically hugging her baby and rocking back and forth. Jessica says "Mama, I have to say something." I say "go ahead" and she says "Mama, from right now I will be better and mind you and not do things to make you sad so you will be happy." And I say (feeling totally like crap) "thank you Jessica that makes me so happy and you always make me happy and I love you" and then Katie who's little voice is quivering says "Mama, I will be good so you will be happy and I not break anything any more okay? Does that sound like a good plan?" And by this time my voice is all unstable and I feel like the world's worst mother ever and I say "yep Katie Kate, that is a great plan. Thank you so much" Then they go about saying prayers asking Heavenly Father to help them be good and I'm like "why don't you both just stick a knife in my eyeball while you are at it?" (I didn't really say this last part but come ON...the guilt was like crushing me. How the crap did I know their little feelings were going to be so hurt when for the past four days they've been looking right at me as I tell them "no" and laughing like little demons?" One minute, they are so naughty I want to scream and then they are so sweet that I want to eat them with sprinkles on top and a big spoon! I swear it's like they KNEW they were turning the guilt around on me. Do you think 3 year olds can like plot that stuff out? ugh.

Elefun and Strawberries

To celebrate all of us feeling better tonight we played Elefun (the trunk of the elephant shoots butterflies into the air and you catch them with your net) and we had strawberries and whipped cream for dinner. (we had more than just strawberries but not according to the girls...they think they got strawberries and cream for dinner) We had a pretty awesomely fun time!!!

Catching Butterflies

The zebra and the elephant tell jokes over a berry break!

Yummoh Cream!

I love strawberries and elefun THIS MUCH!

A few recent shots of the girls to share...

(above) Getting ready to ride the shuttle with their backpack leashes. These backpacks are either a little monkey or a bear and then the tail clips on and off and is an actual leash so the parent can keep the rugrat from running off. I rarely use these devices except at amusement parks or airports or other places where there is a lot of confusion/people/stranger danger etc. It's funny how people look at us when we are using these leashes. Single twenty somethings ususally look horrified as in "how could you do that to your child, they are human beings for crying out loud. You should be locked up." Thirty and forty somethings who are in the middle of the parenting craziness usually either look at us like "oh wow...look at that, I wish they had those when my kids were 3." or "gee- I wonder where they sell those. I have GOT to pick one of those up - even if my kid IS ten years old." Then the older set look at us as if to say "Glad it isn't me!" We never know exactly how people are going to react but when you see a haggered mom coming down the gateway in the airport with two loud three year olds who are making the respective noises of the animal on their back (katie roars like a bear and Jessica ooo ahhhs like a monkey) and the tails of said animals comprise the leash they are attached to - it always gets some sort of head turning reaction.
(Above) my Katie Kate - age 3 1/2

(above) Jessica, me and Katie in the lobby of the Governor Hotel in Portland Oregon. The girls' favorite part of staying in this hotel is that they had a bowl of green apples in the lobby that you could help yourself to. I think the girls ate like 3 apples/day while we were there. Everytime we came down in the elevator they had to check if there were apples.

Jessica Rose and Clarice. Clarice (for those of you who have never been around my kids) is a stuffed rabbit head/blanket. She has the head of a rabbit and then her body gracefully transforms into a blanket. Jessica has had Clarice since birth and does not go anywhere or sleep without Clarice. We named Clarice. Her full name is Clarice Rabhijt (think Saudi Arabian and prounounced Rabbeet) Blankette. She is the Saudi Arabian cousin by marriage to Katie's stuffed comfort item which is basically the same thing but is the head of a bear. Katie's stuffed friend is named Sophie Bear Blankette. It's a big long story but I thought the love Jessica has for Clarice is so obvious in this picture.

(above) Jessica at a cafe in Portland

(above) Mom and Katie at cafe

(above) My babies and me - girls are we - making three- missing Mikey

Super cute Jessica Rose age 3 1/2

She looks so sweet doesn't she? Guess what? She is. I love you Katie.

Down for the count. As soon as my kids fall asleep for a nap or the night, I can't help but do the math immediately in my head of how long it will be until they wake up again. Do all moms do this?

Sorry these are just of my chicks. I don't know what happened to my camera. It's like it didn't work when I was taking pix of anyone else. I never thought I would be one of those moms that just took pictures of "their" kids and this recent few days has made me aware that I need to do a MUCH better job of taking pictures of other people. My only excuses are that it has just been in the past few weeks that I've started taking pictures again AT ALL so I am rusty AND I'm so interested in VISITING with other people that are adults and can actually talk back to me about anything besides The WonderPets that I get all excited and forget to grab my camera. Oh - and I'm always thinking about Mike and what he's missing and well, basically, he is missing his girls big time so I'm thinking about what sorts of pictures I want to share with him. Sorry to everyone else that I didn't get a photo of. I hope you know how important you are, how much I love you and how much I was glad we were all together.

I've been gone...

I've been in Portland the last few days and just got back. Jessica is sick with a cough and I have a sore throat and Katie is ruling BOTH of us in our tired state. I feel sorrier for Jessica than me because Katie expects her to play and run and all she expects of me is food, an occasional bottom wipe and is thrilled if I tell her to go get books and we'll cuddle in my bed and read them. We are on book number 18. So I haven't been on the computer today. Or the phone. More tomorrow.

Fun Today...

In keeping with my commitment to take more pictures, I had fun documenting our fun today at the park with new haircuts.

(Above)

Oh the joy of swinging on the swing. Yes, I know they are on baby swings. But #1 - that's all they had open. #2 - there were like 17 year olds on the big swings with boots on with spikes sticking out and I was afraid the girls would get knocked in the head. (they were really about 6 years old but man did their feet look big flying through the air. #3 - I told you I like to pretend my girls are still babies. So thus, the reason for the baby swings.

(Below)

Do you remember swinging so high and just staring up at the clouds and blue sky? I do and it made me sick to my stomach. Katie! Look at the horizon before you hurl girlfriend.

(Below) A closeup of my Katie Kate on a little chair you sit on and your mother spins you round and round then tells you to look at her and say "cheese". (Below) Honestly, Jessica was cheesing the uggoh-est smiles until I told her to think about her Dad chasing her and tickling her then this is what I got. XOXO to Mikey!

(Below) Katie in the car after haircuts. I just like that her eyes match her car seat. She reminds me of a cross between a Jedi and a Wolf. But not her personality - that's more like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. But in super good way.

(Below) I just thought this one was funny because Jessica could hardly contain her excitement to be wearing the tu-tu I made her the other night. You will be seeing these tu-tus again and again especially on Halloween.

(Below) I swear I never solicit this pose. The reason it's in so many of my pictures is because it's the way the girls are most often if the other is within arms reach. Katie is usually cracking some joke and Jessica is usually laughing at her. And they have to touch. I think it's a twin thing.

Other exciting things we did today:

I took Grammie Bea to the hearing aide place to get her adjustments. I went to Target my favorite store ever. I went to In&Out burger for lunch which Grammie Bea had been "dying to eat that!" The girls got haircuts. I took Grammie Bea home. I stopped at Dinner My Way - yum. I took the girls to the park. I met Mom & Dad at BJs for dinner and then got NF Fro Yo which I don't really like. Now we are getting ready for BED. And the girls are not minding. And I am tired and have like 55 hours of laundry to do after they crash. I miss my laundry Nazi badly. More tomorrow!!!

Monday Night Ramblings...(an ode to boredom)

I swear you won't care about this post. Just click off and move on to the next blog you like to check. Seriously, nothing interesting here. Just me...bored...in the mood to ramble.

• My cousin Bo, always played baseball. There's something about baseball players that makes them extra gross. It wasn't enough to just fart in my face when we were kids. He used to have to bend over, spread his butt cheeks then let one rip right in my face. I hadn't had this experience in quite awhile. Then over the past few days - life, the universe, circumstances...whatever - spread it's butt cheeks and has farted in my face.
• First, I still have a migraine. I've been to the doctor. I got imitrex for migraines first. Didn't work and closed off my throat. Now I have something else called mitrin or something like that for tension headaches not migraines. I think it's my sinus infection from a few weeks ago that's back. But in any case, my head really really hurts. And little 3 year old voices + migraine/tension headache = wanting to have a husband more than ever home and waiting on me hand and foot. A parade in the honor of single parents everywhere should be held down main street of every town, every day and the entire town should be required to participate.
• Last night, at 11pm, Katie came running into my bedroom screaming "Mama! Jessica is tangled up. She is stuck and we need HELP! HURRY!" This never happens. So I ran into their room. I have a Lands End tote bag that we take back & forth to church w/assorted books and stuff in it that I keep in the bottom of their closet. Well - they emptied it and wrapped one handle around Jessica's neck then twisted the bag so it wound up tight like a twistie tie around her neck until she was scared and it was tight and she was sitting on her bed whimpering. I quickly untwisted the bag, said very loudly...what HAPPENED? Then proceeded to burst into tears and sobbing. Jessica was already crying and continued to sit on her bed crying. Katie saw me cry and started sobbing and hid in the closet crying. Jessica explained Katie put it on her neck and they were playing and it got stuck. Now - they went to bed at 9pm. I thought they were LONG asleep. I was getting ready for bed and getting ready to make my nightly bed check for covers and kisses - but I KNEW they were asleep. Did they wake up and play? The light wasn't on but sometimes they play in the dark. Why had they touched this bag that they had previously never touched? What would have happened if? If...if...if...? If it was tighter? If Katie didn't know to go for help? If Katie was asleep? If there wasn't two of them? If I was already asleep? If I had taken ambien? If If IF. I couldn't get the what if's out of my mind. Even when I unloaded all of it on Mike on our morning webcam call - I was still pretty shaken up. We've gone over a million rules today, removed all bags, belts, hair ribbon and bags of pull ups, wipes etc. from their bedroom today. My Dad came over tonight and bolted all furniture that could tip over in my house to the wall and examined the closets for locks which will be installed. I'm feeling much more calm about it but there is a huge part of me that will be tempted to bring them to bed with me every night for the rest of my life. And they've never seen me cry. Ever. Until last night. I know it really shook them and I wonder if that is worse than the choking danger? Ugh. Parenting is way hard sometimes. And scarrier than Freddy Krueger from Nightmare on Elm Street. I am so thankful to my Dad. He's the best.
• I am also thankful to Mike's Dad who has stopped by to see the girls, check on me, call and make sure we're okay more times than I deserve since Mike is gone. Thanks Bill.
• I am thankful Mike is doing well. I am glad we made him surprise decorations for his room and that his first care package is going out tomorrow. I love him and miss him.
• I think we are going to take a vacation when he gets home. I am going back and forth between Hawaii and someplace closer that we can drive. We can catch a hop to Hawaii pretty easily so airfare isn't an issue. But it's harder and I'm not sure if 3 yrs old is too young to enjoy Hawaii? Maybe just renting a condo in Tahoe and playing board games and sledding and drinking hot chocolate would be more fun and create more family bonding time?
• I'm so excited to go to Susan's wedding this Saturday. And the girls will be flower girls. And I'm so nervous for them because what if they blow it? What if Katie lifts up her dress and shows all her goods like she normally does when she gets nervous? What if they yell "hi mom" as they walk down the aisle? What if they break something important? I know all will be fine. And people love it when kids sort of blow it at weddings right?
• I have a headache. Did I mention that?
• I am addicted to Dinner My Way or Dream Dinners or whatever you have in your town. If you don't know about these places oh good night nurse you are missing out. I was missing out too cuz I just used them for the first time last week and let me tell you the food I got was economical and delish. And pretty healthy. I could have chosen healthier menu items. But man oh man they were easy and great. And I felt like I was cooking even though I really wasn't. Oh so good.
• I should go. I have so many things to get done these days. And I'm really bad at getting a single one done. I'm even bad at the basic stuff like unloading the dishwasher and washing clothes. I'm so lucky the girls and I have so many pairs of undies. Seriously, really really glad.

On that happy note, I'll sign off for now. If you are still reading, I told you there wasn't anything really interesting being posted today. So - sorry for that.

My Kids are SUPER attached to me...

In my world, my kids are totally attached to me. They have stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. They can't stand if I leave the room for one second. They really need me and when I am away from them they whine to whoever they are with that they miss their dear mother so very much because she is their WORLD.

But my kids don't want to play along with my delusions.

My mom and dad told them they could spend the night Friday night. So Jessica looks at me and says "Mom, where are you going right now?" (we were all out eating lunch) And I said "well, Papa is driving me to our house and then we'll be home." And without missing a beat Jessica sweetly says, "okay mama, then we'll tell you Good-Bye." She was so happy about it. When I come pick them up from my mom and dad's they see me and start crying. They won't get their shoes and won't come with me when I tell them we are leaving. When they see the door to their preschool open, they are ALWAYS the first to run inside. Away from me. Without so much as a backward glance. For nursery at church, they drag me from the chapel toward their nursery class making me go faster and faster and they run inside without even telling me 'bye." And when we meet new people, they will literally RUN to them and give them a hug and a kiss. Granted, if I ask for a kiss I'll always get one, but this absolute ADORATION for others and their hunger to be away from me could give lesser mothers a complex. But not me. I choose instead of wondering about their love and devotion, to live in a state of denial. (It ain't just a river in Egypt - my friend Jody used to say) As long as they will sing the "when my mother calls me, quickly I'll obey" song to me everyday like a mantra, I'm A.O.K. (I make them sing it) And as long as they keep breaking out in choruses of the song "Mother, I love you, Mother I do!" all will be right in the world. (I make them sing that too) As long as they keep telling me I'm beautiful and cool and the prettiest mom in the world and that I'm their best "mom" friend" - I will continue to feed and shelter them. (yes, I might make them tell me these things.) I think a healthy sense of denial and delusion is good for mother/daughter relationships. Meanwhile, our mail-lady is delivering a package and the girls have invited her in for a tea party so I gotta go....

LADIES & GENTLEMEN...THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH (and I have a migraine)

The circus came to town! Mom and Dad got us all tickets for my birthday...so off we went today!
Katie & Jessica talked about how they were going to see the elephants all week. And let me tell ya...the elephants didn't disappoint! They were amazing.
I think the tigers were most reflective of how my head started feeling during the circus. A dull roar that seemed like it could spring out of control at any moment. The actual tigers were great, just grumpy enough and uncooperative enough to keep the circus goers on our toes.

Jessica loved the guy riding a motorcycle from a high wire. With a scantedly clad lady hanging from beneath the wire! With FLAMES on their costumes!

Katie loved the clows. Me and clowns? No so much.

Then we went out for Greek food for lunch.

The girls had been told they would go to the circus and have an ice cream. But an ice cream at the circus costs $9. And popcorn was $7. A coke was $5. A snow cone in a keepsake cup was $15. So we went to cold stone AFTER the circus. Think they minded?

Then, like music to my ears, Grammie and Papa asked the girls to come back to their house to hang out. By this point my head was pounding. There is some sort of circuit in my brain that has a synapses that misfires when too many lights, sounds, whistles, people and dark are combined all at once like at the circus, or casinos, or Dave and Busters or dance clubs, or buffets. My whole system just sort of shuts down and I want to curl into a ball in the corner until it stops. That's what happened today. I think it happened a little to Jessica too. It's just like it's too much all at once. It was SUPER fun to get to go to the circus and I highly recommend you go if it comes to your town. Unless you have a weird brain, firing, synapses thing. Then, go to talent night at the senior center. That's more my speed.

And thus began my new goal...

So as you know, yesterday I set about declaring my new goal of taking more pictures, living in the moment and capturing our lives. So my Dad came over last night for a training session on my camera, I bought a camera case and a big ass memory card today and set about excitedly capturing the glory that would be "our day". Some children were ready and willing to get on board with the new plan and cooperate.

Others...were not.

NOPE. Not gonna smile. Don't care if it IS your new plan Mom. Not going to play your games.

But I WILL demonstrate that I can write my name. But I won't look at you. Or smile.

Once the glue came out, Jessica abandoned my plan of capturing the joys and smiles of childhood.

But once Grammie showed up with me to pick them up from preschool, all of a sudden they wanted to pose like Miss America contestants. Well...at least they wanted to run and hug their Grammie and thanks to my awesome camera, I could snap a quick picture.

And finally, after being allowed to make a "swimming pool" out of couch pillows, and jumping off of their kids table into the "water" and doing the "backstroke" while "kicking" really hard so they don't "sink"...they were willing to let me take a picture of them smiling in unison.

I guess when you actually try and take pictures and your kids aren't used to a camera being attached to your face, it doesn't always go the way you think it will.

More tomorrow!

Okay, I'll just get it out there....

I've been hesitant to mention this, but I have been consumed with something new. I found out about the story of a wonderful family in Arizona who were hurt badly in plane crash in August. The Mom..Stephanie has a very popular blog in Arizona that was previously unknown to me. But since the story, the Nie Nie blogs and support have been everywhere it perked my curiosity. So I started reading. And then I couldn't stop. And now I feel as concerned about this family as I am my own. It's so strange how we come to love and know each other in blog land, without even meeting. If you have not heard of this story (it was on the Today show today) you need to read about it. You can go to http://blog.cjanerun.com/ to get updates on the family and the overview of what's happening then go to NieNie's blog and just start reading from the beginning. You will be amazed and inspired is all I can so. I am worried, heartbroken, greatful, blessed and lucky. In honor of Nie, I will be doing the following:

Wearing only red lipstick, nail polish and toe polish until she gets better. (her signature color)
Write love letters to my husband and kids - (see previous post)
Set off helium balloons at the next birthday.
Take pictures and do a better job of documenting our days so that I never forget what it is that I had the luck to experience.

A comment on Nie's blog that was by Anna Quindlen summed it up for me...She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. . . . I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages six, four, and one. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less”

Gretchen

Gretch came over last night. We sat in my living room drinking diet coke and eating the closest thing she could find to bon bons and talking about everything from boys we loved once upon a pimply past, to mistakes we made to the fact that our lives are happy and have meaning and purpose. Gretchen's visit last night was sent to me straight from heaven because it was exactly what I needed to rejuvenate my very soul.

When I was in 7th grade and in Mrs. Hallenbarter's social science class I met this short kid with dark blond hair who became my best friend. (That was the same year I met Mike Meeker.) Gretchen and I stayed friends throughout high school, seeing each other through everything ranging from summer camp, first love, cramps, experimenting with wine coolers and cigarettes, softball tournaments, boys, boys, boys, boys, lots of blue eyeliner and salon selectives, tanning, getting a tan, oh and laying out in the sun, getting our drivers licenses, doing our Spanish commercials for Senorita Almas' class, eating lots of pringles, dr. pepper and frozen ice cream bon bons, aerobics class and meeting/falling in love with our husbands. When I think of my childhood, Gretchen is front and center and it's always summer, I can always smell Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 in the brown bottle, the sky is the most brilliant blue and the wind is blowing in my hair. Man, I love those memories.

Although our lives took WAY different paths than we thought they would at 15, we are both happy. Gretchen's husband is a Pastor at a super large Church here in Sacramento and he is cool and hip and cute and adores her and in her words is "the best Dad I've ever seen". She works at the church, the kids work with their youth groups at the church and they help and do amazing things for the citizens of the world and our community. Her life is rich, her 4 boys are so freakin' cute that I can't choose which ones to have the girls marry and the best thing is that she's still deep down the same Gretchen I've always known and loved. And I've never had a friend as good as her since.

Written At The Same Time (WARNING - MAJOR MUSHY GUSHY AHEAD)

So while I was babbling on and on in the previous post about my love for Mike, he was writing the following love letter (email) thousands of miles away. I know...gross huh? Like eeewwww you guys, shut UP already! But ummm....no we aren't going to shut up. We are just going to gush on people. So please endure our long distance and now (I guess) public long distance love affair. When I was 19, Mike shouted literally from a roof top that he loved me and now he asked me to share with the 3 readers of my blog...that he's still willing to make it public knowledge that he sorta likes me.

From Mike's email that I received exactly after I posted the previous blog entry and went to my email inbox. Freaky? Maybe. Loveish in the coolest way? You bet.

Subject Title: Love Letter To My Girls

Dear Jessica - I love you so so much. I love you because you talk to me and you play chasing games with me and you love to climb on my shoulders. I love you because when you smile it's like the brightest sunshine. Maybe mommy or papa can take some pictures of you smiling and send them to me to make me happy.

Dear Katie - I love you so so much. I love you because you always seem to be happy. And when you are happy, it makes your happy spread to everyone around you. I love you because you are very good at drawing pictures of me and I love to see your pictures. Maybe I can tell mommy how to magically put your pictures on the computer so she can send them to me.

I love both of you girls so much! I miss you because I love to snuggle with you and play with you and I can't right now because I have to stay at work and take care of very sick people. I promise that I will come back again and do all those fun things with you. First comes the wedding, then halloween, then thanksgiving, then Christmas, then I get to come home soon after Christmas!!! YAAAAY!!!

Amy - I love you because you have loved and supported me with your whole heart, body and mind - even giving more than you thought you had. I love you because you are, in an inexplicably real way, part of me. The reason this is so hard right now is because a part - no - the best parts of my body and soul is missing. Know that the parts that remain here with me are yours. Know that they always will be, no matter what life-storms may blow or what trials we are called to bear. I love you... in the deepest, truest ways possible in this life, and my heart is burning with that love right now. You wanted to know how to get back that fire we felt when our love was first being kindled so long ago. It was simple, really,... I needed only to lose you for a week, with no hope of being with you for many weeks more, to wake from the illusion that your eyes, your smile, your lips, your voice, your wit, your humor, your compassion, your heart, your mind, your body and your soul were mine, and always would be no matter what. My heart has finally remembered what my mind has always known but has lately taken for granted... just how wonderful and precious a gift you are. Thank you for blessing my life with yours.

With all my heart, mind, body and soul, I am yours, and always have been.
With all the love I know, and all the love I will ever grow to comprehend,
I love you, Amy...
I love you.
- Mike

Life Is Good

Dear Mike Meeker,

It may seem strange to some to address this letter to "Mike Meeker" but as you and I know I have always called you Mike Meeker since we were 13. I still do 24 years later and I always will. When we are 83 (me) and 84 (you), I will probably be yelling (because your hearing will be gone) "Mike Meeker quit playing video games and get some work done around here." And just like now, you'll say "yep, I'm on it" and keep right on trying to get to the next level.

In any case, I thought I would take a moment out of my glamorous day and write you a letter. When I tell our daughters that I am writing you a letter they want to do so also. Jessica would like to write you a "j" and a "d" and Katie would like to write you a "k" and a "m". I however, would just like to write a message to express my appreciation and love for you. I don't love you more because you are gone, it's just as Ingrid B explained to me so correctly, I just feel your positive impact that you have on our home and lives more because you are absent from both.

I would like to let you know that I think you are a great husband. I'm very thankful to feel this way after 16 years of marriage. You might not be suited for every chick out there, but you are perfect for me. This is why. You always get me water in the middle of the night. Even if we have just settled down and you are drifting off to sleep you'll still get up and get water for me. You allow me to end arguments and fights with a swift kick to your shin across the bed. It's our universal signal that our fight is over and I'm ready to be friends again. And you take the kick with good humor and thankfulness every time. You listen to my day and what's going on in my life. I imagine the details were way more interesting when I was working on Capitol Hill and got to meet famous people and plan amazing events but you still listen just as attentively even though now I'm working at home, meeting other toddlers and planning amazing pretend games. You have always supported everything I've wanted to do. When I wanted to be a photographer, you did a business plan for me and ordered business cards. When I wanted to take a sabbatical from work/life and join you on your med school rotations in Hawaii for 10 weeks, you worked our finances so I could do so. When I wanted to pour my heart and soul into a career you would brag to our friends that I was so awesome at my job I could make millions of dollars. And when I needed you to go through embarrassing and emotional tests, procedures and ordeals when we wanted to have a baby, you did so cheerfully with jokes and a great sense of humor. You even let me do a medical briefing with my doctor for your entire residency clinic about our very personal experience with infertility. You were a trooper. You are always a trooper. I think I can count on one hand (maybe 2) the number of times you've been in a bad mood. I know I would need only 3 fingers to count the number of times you have been mad at me. I would need both of our hands and feet along with our extended families to count my times. But you still don't complain and you just chalk it up to my Latin passion. Finally, I think you are a great husband because you respect me. And I respect you. So no matter what we've gone through or how we've changed, at the core of who we are lies respect. I think you are an amazing, brilliant and kind human being. And you think the same of me. Thanks for that.

I also wanted you to know that I think you are the best dad ever. Now, as you know, motherhood was a big transition for me that wasn't always easy. But it seemed as though when our girls finally got here, you never broke stride and eased into fatherhood...well like you'd been waiting for it your whole life. And you had. I know the thing you've always wanted is to have one person be in love with and to be a dad. Our girls have an amazing friendship with you. The trust and joy they have when they are with you is obvious to anyone who observes you with your children. I love that you cheer for Katie when she poops. I love that you get them out of dirty clothes, throw them in the bath, wash them thoroughly and put them in pajamas without me having to ask. I love that you get up on Saturday mornings and make cereal salad (all different kinds of cereal) and then play with them until you guys split PB&Js and chocolate milk for lunch. I love that even though you didn't grow up with it, that you love family snuggle time in our bed as much as I do. I love that you are 1/3 of the WonderPets and when the girls had to think of anything they could get you for Father's Day they wanted to make you a superhero cape so they could play WonderPets with you. I love that you care that their sippie cup plugs get really clean. Because I don't. And they would probably have some strange sippie cup plug disease if it weren't for you. Oh, one more thing. I love that you let them unlace your combat boots every night and then let them clomp around the house in them. Remember when the boots came up to their hips?

Okay, that's it. I hope you are well. I'm sure you are eating better than you do at home because anything is better for you than Rubios take out. I hope you aren't too lonely and I hope you can feel our love. Most of all, I hope you are safe. Be safe please. Our family would never ever work without you.

Love You Lots...Kisses and Hugs...Miss You Tonz, BFF-
Aim =)

If I could rewind a day...

I wish we could just do "do overs" for some days. Like today. I know this blog has been sort of a downer lately with Mike leaving and all but I try really hard to keep this blog honest and reflective of what we are doing and going through. And this past week has just sort of sucked. But today sucked in that special sort of way where you feel like the universe mounts your head like a dog and just humps the heck out of it.

So it was my birthday today. (sunday) We already celebrated before Mike left with fun family dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and cake at Grammie Bea's. But I didn't sleep Saturday night. I had achey sore legs all night and left me getting up to stretch every 15 minutes to try to work out the charlie horses and kinks. And I just didn't sleep one wink. I was already on the edge emotionally and this just put the cherry on top of my pity party sundae. My sweet mom and dad took the kids in the morning so I could get some much needed rest after my legs finally calmed down. This was necessary but made me feel like a big loser for missing church. Then, Mike called and was all formal and weird on the phone and was able to talk for like 2 minutes. I got irritated in that 2 minutes and just wanted him to understand that I was tired and cranky and missing him so much. So then, after I woke up, the self pity just engulfed me and I spent some considerable time on my bed crying and feeling sorry for myself and wishing I wasn't so old, so far away from my husband, that I had not gotten irritated when he called, that I was skinnier, that I had pulled it together to take my butt to church, that I was enjoying my life more, that I had more friends, that my fingernail polish on my thumb wasn't chipped and that I hadn't eaten a half of bag of pistachios in the middle of the night before. This lead to more crying and a big headache. I ended the night with a very nice birthday dinner with mom, dad and my chicks and my parents were cool, didn't pry and reaffirmed their offers of help and encouragement over and over again. Mike called late this evening and explained he was around like 50 people when he called before and was sorry he was all stiff and formal and that he would just have to get used to everyone around him hearing everything he said and he filled me in on what his life has been like this week and I felt ever so much better. So instead of celebrating my life and blessings and health and family today, I spent wasteful time boo-hooing my little silly problems and picking apart everything going wrong in my life.

So, I vow here and now to make an attitude adjustment here and now. The negative thinking and self pity end now. I have to get it together and I'm going to. This just has been harder than I thought it would be. But I'm determined to pull my head out of my butt and get my smile on effective immediately. Hopefully, my posts will go back to reflecting the love I have for my life. Because I know I'm really lucky. I just have an easy time forgetting it.

Katie's Song

The girls get to perform a song before bed each night of their choosing. Here was Katie's tonight:

"Bears are mean but Daddy bears are nice. Turtles aren't mean either. And sometimes Daddy's are at home and then sometimes they go on trips but then they come home after Santa comes to our house. And this is a great song!"

All of this was done with gusto and the notes carried out like Bears are meeeean but Daaaaaadyyyyy bears are niiiiiiice. You get it. I thought it was cute but very telling about the stuff that's on her mind.

Have you Tried It?

Oh goodness I love this stuff. First of all, it's all natural so technically your kids could drink it and not die. Probably wouldn't recommend anyone drink it but if they do, you're OK. Second, it works better than 409. No joke. I am a 409 girl. Every time some new Fantastik or Cinch or Bam comes out I try it and then go back to 409. No longer friend. And the best part is....it smells so good you are just happy to have an excuse to do your counters, or wash your hands or whatever. The Lemon Verbena is my absolute favorite but the Lavendar is great for cleaning in the bedroom or master bath. I got mine at the grocery store. Buy the all purpose cleaner because it is super concentrated and you can make your own counter top spray. I even was swiffer-ing today and couldn't get some sticky spots up and sprayed it directly onto my swiffer wipe and the spots came up like nothing! And did I mention the smell? I love me a good cleaning product like when the clorox toilet wand came out I did a happy dance in the store. And the clorox bleach pen and tide to go? Don't get me started. But it takes a special someone to make me leave Mr. 409 and begin a new relationship with the new kid on the block. This product may seem pricey...but remember it is concentrated so you are actually paying about the same as 409.

Jessica's Prayer

No help from me...

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank thee for this day. Thank thee for our family. Please bless us to be good girls and not turn on the light and get out of bed. Thank thee for mama cuz she a good mama. Please bless Daddy that he be safe and give people medicine and tell them to drink lots of water so they feel better and come home after Christmas so we can be a family all of us together again. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

ugh...I had to turn off the lights while I gave kisses cuz I got all choked up.

Decision 08

Most of my conservative Republican family members are also Christians. I too, am a Christian. How is it then that there are so many differences in what we all believe? I think a lot of people out there who really want to help people, not give them a free ride are labeled as liberals because they believe government should provide and regulate some basic human rights. I am thankful that I grew up in middle class white America but that's just not how everyone grew up. I supervised a staff of 250 employees that pulled from mostly inner city Washington DC and let me tell you, these people are too busy surviving to worry about making sure their kids are applying to the right colleges. I just want to educate people who didn't grow up as lucky as me and I want to throw a lifeline to those who are unable to help themselves and if that means you take more of my paycheck, help yourself. I think my Republican friends and family members are concerned that the money we already give is enough and is just mismanaged so we should manage it better and what the government gets would be enough. Yet they oppose watchdog groups that would hold the government accountable as to how they spend our money because that would mean bigger government. I could go on and on and on and on and on about why I think both parties have lost their way...but in the end I have to choose. Neither party is perfect. But I have to align with the party who most represents the ideals that I believe in so strongly of feeding the poor, clothing the naked, sheltering the abused, standing for the oppressed and fostering a relationship of diplomacy and peace throughout the world. Yes, yes, I know there are problems with each candidate. We could pick them apart until November of 2027. One side can scream taxes, taxes, taxes, economy, the right to buy any gun for no purpose and house them loaded in my freezer and one side can shout healthcare, education, civil rights, end the war and make sure we give a hand out to every freeloader that crosses our boarders whether legally or un. But we all have to choose and November is coming quickly.

I have always found Christ's Sermon on the Mount found in the New Testament in Matthew to be a good guide to what should be important and how we should try to pattern our lives. I love the Beattitudes and the types of issues that Christ chooses to speak about. It seems as though when I read these passages of scripture, that the same problems must have faced the people back then as they do now, because the counsel that the Savior gives seems so topical for our day. I encourage you to read the Sermon on the Mount even if it doesn't help you make up your mind about who to vote for. It is rockin' scripture and my favorite that exists. So read it for me if for no other reason. You'll be glad you did.

Replaced Already?

Sorry Mike. You are away. A long ways away. What's a lonely girl to do but tape the new Ewan McGregor ad to her fridge and pretend it is her new husband. Ewan...what would you like for dinner? Spaghetti? Good Choice! Be careful not to get any on your foxy white scarf. And the spaghetti will never smell better than you Ewan. mmmmmm....have you SEEN this ad? Can you BLAME me? Don't worry...I just want to have Ewan around and have him sing that one love song from Moulin Rouge that he sang to Nicole Kidman when he and I first fell in love. And feed him spaghetti. All my thoughts are strictly PG. Well maybe PG-13 at most.

Go Sarah Palin!

I wanted to wait until tonight before I decided what I thought of Sarah Palin, McCain's running mate. I have been reading her bio, her website, articles about her stances and her history. And I can honestly say this. I don't think John McCain could have picked a better running mate. I found her to be articulate, sincere, normal and very common sense. I thought her attacks on Obama were funny, her devotion to John McCain heartfelt and her love for Alaska and the people there to be moving. My Dad said he felt it was very powerful when she stood on the stage with her daughter who has Down's Syndrome and said that there would be a person in the White House who stood for children with special needs. I thought her statements about John McCain's military service were very moving and she is right...he is the only one of the 4 people running in this race that has fought for this country. And he was a POW for many years. I think her passion for an Alaskan natural gas pipeline is very important because we need to take very large steps to decrease our dependence on dangerous foreign governments for our oil. I liked her joke about soccer moms. Q. What's the difference between a pitbull and a soccer mom? A. Lipstick. I thought that was super funny because I've known some of those soccer moms.

Obviously, I have come out strong for Obama. I'm still in the Obama court 100%. But I think if I were Joe Biden, I might be really scared. He has to go and debate this woman who is extremely comfortable and well spoken and who has basically no history. She can attack his record left and right and she has no record to attack. She's basically an unknown. This is smart since John McCain is so entrenched in Washington politics and has been a politician for eons. I wonder if she is the most qualified person to be Vice President but certainly if experience were the gauge on which we elected...Obama would not measure very high either. I believe in Obama's policies and his leadership. And as I've said before, for me it's about ending the war. But picking Sarah Palin was genius on the part of John McCain. Whatever the outcome this coming November...whether the first African American becomes President or the first woman becomes Vice President...both represent their respective "firsts" very well.

And he's gone...

We got up at 3:30 to take Mike to the airport. My parents had the kids overnight which was a blessing because all of this would have scared them I think. We joined the sea of other military members and their family members and went from station to station getting the things they needed. Then it was just time to wait. Sit there, next to Mike and wait. I tried to memorize what it felt like to touch his arm and to hold his had but I realized I had memorized that feeling years ago. So we talked about the kids, what stuff didn't get done, how he was happy and excited to go and do some good over there. Finally it was time for him to go. He asked if I needed to say anything else and I said that I didn't except that I loved him and that no matter what we've gone through I would never have chosen to spend my life with anyone else and that he was the love of my life. He told me the same and how much he would miss me and how proud he was of me for the kind of mother I am and how he knows everything will be okay. I told him I knew this too and that we would be fine. I told him I didn't expect to hear from him until sometime this weekend. We kissed quickly and hugged fiercely and I walked out of the ready room. I was leaving out of this big huge hallway and I just had a feeling to look back and there he was standing at the door of the ready room to blow me another kiss and give me a thumbs up. And then I drove home. My feelings are mixed because I am exhausted and I have a bad sinus infection with a huge horrible headache so I can't be sure exactly how I am feeling. Mostly I am sad but peaceful. That's the best I can describe it. I feel really sad because I will miss my friend but I feel very at peace because I know we are all where we are supposed to be. I don't feel scared, just tired. I slept for a few hours when I got home this morning and now I'm just making myself a huge list of stuff I need to get done.

So in the words of some little Airman guy to Mike this morning..."well sir...are you ready to do this thing?" My answer is most definitely ...yes.

To Read Again in 4 Months

Dear Katie and Jessica -



Your daddy is leaving for four months very shortly. I wanted to write this letter to you so I can read it to myself again in 4 months so I can remember where I was at emotionally during this time in our lives. I hope someday you'll read it with your therapist so you can know that I didn't mean to psychologically damage you during this time, but the United States Air Force stuck you with me and me alone as your parent for this time while Daddy is away. I hope by reading this you will come to accept that all damage done was by ACCIDENT.



There's some things I want you to know about all this craziness going on. First, I want you to know it could and is a lot worse for a lot of other people out there. Some Daddy's go away for a lot longer than our daddy. Some Mommy's and Daddy's have to go away at the same time. Sometimes there are daddy's and mommy's out there who don't love their kids more than life itself and would not give their right arm just so their kids could be free of this whole experience. Luckily, none of the above applies to either of you. Second, your Daddy will be safe and he will come home to us. I can't explain to you how I can know this. But, I know it like I knew that my dog Moz died hours before my mom called me to tell me and how I knew I was not only pregnant with twins but with twin girls and that their names were supposed to be Katie and Jessica just 3 weeks after I got pregnant. I know this like I know that Jesus loves us and like I know that you both will smile tomorrow. There are some things you just know deep down in your heart. When you feel something so strongly deep down, cling to it and be proud of it even if others wonder if you are just wishfully thinking. You are not. I am not. Your Daddy will be safe. Third, we will be just as much of a family without Daddy here as we are when he is here. Families come in all shapes, sizes and types. All that you have to have in order to be a family is love, commitment, hugs and dirty laundry. We will have all of that during this time and we will do all of the things that make it feel like we are a family. You will still have your bedtime, even if there are lots of nights I need you to sleep with me. We will still eat dinner together every night, even if it is chick food that Daddy would never touch but that I am going to glory in making. You will have clean clothes, even if Grammie has to come over and wash them because I forget. (Daddy does all the laundry so this one might take me awhile) We will still say prayers every night, even if we are praying FOR daddy instead of praying WITH daddy. You will still get the same number of kisses, even though it's because I am making sure I give you double. Fourth, I am going to be tired. There are days that I will need to take a nap with you. There are days I'm going to want us to stay in our P.Js and just veg out. But I promise that these days will be the exception and not the norm. I will strive to make sure we continue our adventures, that we get out in the sunshine, that we continue to explore the world around us. I will make sure we still go on our "dates" and that we swing, and color and do play dough. Finally, I will try my best. There are very few things in my life that I can honestly say I tried my best at. But being a mom is one of them. Being a good mom to you is the most important thing I've ever done and I promise you that I will try to be a good mom AND a good dad to you both over the next 4 months. I can never fill the shoes, or combat boots, that daddy will leave. He is special and we will miss him terribly, but we won't just be O.K. We will be the very best I can make us.

Love,
Mom