Friday Confessions

Forgive me readers, I mean reader, I mean Mom. It's been I don't know how long since my last Friday confession but I know it's been a long while. My "loving" (notice the air quotes) husband told me that I had a lot to repent for so I better get to confessing.

So please if you will imagine me, in a black silk dress that flares out and hits me just below the knee, with a pill box hat and a small black fish net veil, carrying a small patten leather bag with a pearl clasp and a white handkerchief peeking out of the bag, entering the dark mahogany confessional. I have on waterproof mascara, red lipstick (church red, not porn red) and my hair is silky and swept away from my face. Oh and I am much thinner in your vision.

Here are the things I wish to unburden myself with this week.

• I have been teaching my three year olds how to play drinking games. Not that I ever played a drinking game in my life. (stop laughing) But you know what I am referring to right? Say for example when you watch Top Gun and every time Ice Man squints his eyes and sneers at Maverick or Goose you have to drink a shot. THAT kind of drinking game. Except, I've had sick kids in danger of dehydration. And in our version, every time anyone in Peter Pan says the word Neverland, you have to chug your gatorade. And when Jessica asked how I learned this game and who taught me this game I told her that I drank a lot of gatorade when I was a teenager. And by gatorade, I meant Diet Coke and by Diet Coke I meant Bartles and James Wine Coolers. You have no idea how badly I wanted to mix a little Bartles and James in their gatorade. Man, they would have really slept good if I would have done that huh?
• At dinner tonight, the girls were discussing pinching the bum bums of ants. I guess there was an ant outside and Jessica squished it and they laughed and said that she pinched the ant's bum bum. So Mike wondered outloud how you would pinch the bum bum of an ant because it's so small. He mentioned that their bum bums were bigger so they could be pinched and then he started to say something about MY bum bum. The girls excitedly exclaimed that mine was WAY bigger than theirs and WAY WAY bigger than an ants. I explained that girls didn't like to have big bum bums and it wasn't nice to say that to girls. Then I paused. And then I explained that some girls, like on Little Bill like to have bigger bum bums than some girls like on Little Einsteins. Then they asked if Little Bill's Daddy liked big bum bums. And I said he probably did like that Little Bill's Mama had a big bum bum. Then Mike said to the girls "Little Bill's daddy likes them big and round and juicy." Then I said "Little Bills daddy cannot lie, his other brothers might deny. But see, Little Bill's mama ate red beans and rice." And then Mike said "the red beans and rice didn't miss her." Then Jessica asked if she ate beans and rice when Little Bill was in her tummy. And at that point, the lesson in I like big butts ended. Mike and I decided we are going straight to hell for this infraction alone.
• I have been eating something reeeaaaallllyyy bad for me lately. And it's something NEW I just discovered. Which, given my history with bad food is like a culinary miracle that I would discover something NEW. It would be like if an explorer all of a sudden discovered an unknown continent on the planet earth. I bought some innocent croissants at Costco the other day to fill with some innocent chicken salad for lunch. I MEANT to freeze half the croissants for later chicken salad consumption. Instead I DISCOVERED that if you cut the croissant in half, pop it in your toaster for like 47 seconds exactly and then sprinkle chocolate chips between the two pieces and mash them together and wait another 22 seconds that you get a delicious warm flaky melted chocolate croissant. This is a bad thing. So bad in fact, that I hid what I was doing from Mike. Because he loves chocolate croissants more than just about anything and I didn't want to tempt him. And by tempting him I mean I didn't want him to steal my croissants or chocolate.
• I want to lose 99 million pounds before my twenty year reunion. And because 99 million is a little out of the range of possibility by August, I have set a goal of thirty. I originally wanted to blog about my quest for losing this weight, the ins and outs of my diet along with the desire to have botox, a tummy tuck and many many facial peels before having to face my peers that knew me when I was 17. But then I thought that maybe some of these people might stumble across my blog and think I'm a total loser for over thinking the whole reunion thing and that they would see into my neurotic self loathing self and avoid talking to me at the reunion because they were embarrassed for me that I didn't lose a pound and were afraid they would be caught staring in horror at my teeth that need bleaching and that one gray hair that just won't absorb hair dye no matter what. So I've decided to eat chocolate croissants instead. When really I need to eat celery. I'm such a loser.
• I have tried to drink less Diet Coke. So now I'm becoming rapidly addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper. Which by the way is in no way better. Except for the fact that Dr. Pepper goes better with chocolate croissants.
• I have been begging my girls to watch an extra cartoon every morning before we all get out of my bed. They will sometimes tell me that they don't want to watch another cartoon because they are hungry and want cereal. So I've been making ziploc bags full of cereal, nutrigrain bars, raisins and vitamins the night before so I can pull these bags out my night stand drawer and it will buy me an extra thirty minutes before I have to put my feet on the floor and start my day. And like all sins we try to justify, I've been telling myself they have to do the ziploc bag of dry cereal because they can't have dairy because of their sickness because dairy causes more mucus. Did I just say mucus on my blog? ewwwww
• I knocked down an entire magazine rack at Raley's today and I ran away and pretended it wasn't me. My cart had one of those wheels that wobble and make a ton of noise. But I ran away anyway.
• My People Magazine arrived in the mailbox today so I read it right away even though I had about three gazillion things I should have been doing instead.
• I took the girls to the park today to feed the ducks and for lunch. I kept trying to bean the ducks with my bread. If I actually hit the duck with the bit of bread I gave myself a point. If it landed in the water but did not hit a duck no points. If I didn't get it into the water I deducted a point and if a duck caught the bread in mid air I deducted two points. My score at the end of the game was 23 points. Yay for humans, bad for ducks and kharma in general. I hope that the universe doesn't get even with me by finding some species that is like forty times bigger than me and lets them decide to bean me in the head with a piece of bread unless it happens to be a chocolate croissant.
• If my kids drop food on the floor and if it would take a lot of effort for me to remake the food they dropped, I let them dust it off and eat it anyway.
• My father in law sent me a political email about immigration reform that was like the 87th political email I've received since My Barack O'Boyfriend took office. All of the emails I have received have been ones in which I have a different opinion than the sender. So because I had PMS and I am just sick of political email forwards I wrote a scathing discourse about how stupid the author of the original email was and how I totally disagreed. My discourse was over emotional and quoted things like hymns, the Bible and the Statue of Liberty. It was so over the top. But I meant to reply ONLY to my father in law. Instead I hit the "reply to all" button so the entire email list got my rantings. ugh.

Okay, I will be doing my penance for these sins by waxing my eyebrows, shaving my legs and by finishing my visit with my Auntie Flow. For any girl out there, you know this penance is plenty to absolve me of the aforementioned sins.