Katie and Jessica asked me the other day this question. "Mama, what is your directive?" Given that this was coming from 3 year olds, I paused and felt needed to ask for further clarification. "What do you mean directive?", I said. Then Katie explained "You know Mama. Like what's your job?" I responded "ummmmmm." Then I looked at their expectant eyes and attentive faces and I went on to say, "I'm ummmm your Mom and my directive is to take the best care of you possible. I teach you things and make all your food and make sure you have what you need." And honest to goodness Katie looked at me quizzically and said "Is that IT?"
Man I felt like a loser. I feel like choosing to quit my very awesome and fulfilling and financially rewarding and inspiring and kick-A career was the right choice for our family. I know I'll never be a full time stay at home Mom forever but for now it was the right decision. I worked the first 2 1/2 years of their lives and have been out of work for about 18 months. We had three nannies when I was working all part time. In quitting work, I feel like I gave up who I was. Which let's face it, I was a total workaholic. My job defined me and let me tell you what. I was great at it. And now, I'm a great Mom. I really believe I am. I'm not a great housewife or homemaker because I refuse to acknowledge that housekeeping is in any way shape or form my job now. I didn't quit my job to scrub toilets and mop floors. I quit for the sole purpose of being the major influence on the raising of my kids.
But I wonder now, am I sending these two young girls that have come to my house the right message? Don' t I need to send the message to my daughters that you can be anything you want to be and that you can be a Mom and a CEO and a marathoner? (ha ha) In the moment when Katie said "Is that it?" I felt like in some way that I was letting her down and that she expects more of me. What if I raise them with the belief that all they can be are mothers and then they have my same problems of infertility and it never works out for them? I know women out there who are infertile that really think they are failures in life because their bodies can't do the one thing they were raised to value above all else.
I'm so conflicted here. I really miss work but I feel like my kids need me here right now. Can women have it all? Can you be all things to all people? And who's going to cut off the crusts of their PB&J and kiss them and snuggle them if I'm at work? It's all so confusing.
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As a fellow stay-at-home mom/domestic warrior, I think its wonderful that you're at home with your girls! We are blessed enough to be able to spend time with our children and watch them grow, learn, develop every day. We knew that our kids will probably never appreciate all we do until they have grubs of their own. :) But that's ok, because think of all that we would miss if we did work. I know you love working, but I decided that I can work when Nathan (or if we decide on a 2nd kid, that one) goes to school, then I can work while they're at school, that way you can enjoy their company. They're only this age once and they only learn new things once...
I applaud you. So if Jessica again asks, "Is that it??" Ask her if she didnt do it, who would? You're their whole world, they just don't realize it yet. :D
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