Holidays Number Two In Retrospective

Once Upon A Time..

A dad came home. And after three days, a little family pretended it was Christmas Eve even though it wasn't. The family had appetizers for dinner which is the Christmas Eve tradition that started when the Mom was a little girl. The Mom read the story of Jesus' birth in the second chapter of Luke in the Bible. The Dad got out the Fisher Price Nativity set with two little sisters that were three and they began to put the pieces in place. One little girl was bored. The other was pretending she was an angel and was "all lit up and visiting the shepherd and telling them DON'T BE AFRAID."

In order to snap one of the little girls out of her boredom induced coma, the family suggested that they sing "Away in a Manger" while the Dad put the Baby Jesus in place in the little scene of the nativity.

And once the story was winding down, the previously comatose child shows a glimmer of life as she kisses the angel because in her words "this angel was so so nice to help the world find Baby Jesus." The nativity set was put together, the family rejoiced and sang Silent Night.

As the night wound down, the Dad took the little girls outside because they were very concerned that it might be "a foggy night and maybe Santa wouldn't be able to drive his sleigh unless Rudolph is with him and is Rudolph ready to come to our house and does he know the way and are we SURE Santa knows that tonight is our second Christmas????" Luckily for all, the night was clear and bright with a near full moon that was very bright.

The little girls made sure a snack was waiting for Santa and his reindeer. Oreos and milk for the big guy and carrots and celery for the reindeer. The girls asked their Mom to help write a note to Santa. They left the plate on top of their empty stockings so Santa would be sure to find it when he used his special key to open the front door because there is no chimney at the family's house. The little family went to bed where there were visions of sugar plums...wait. What is a sugar plum? I'm sure it's something nice but I have no idea what it actually is. Is it some sort of treat? If so...how about this instead? The little family went to bed where visions of Hagan Dazs Chocolate Ice Cream danced in their heads.

Pretend Christmas morning dawned happily and the family slept until 9:00 a.m. because the little girls forgot all about pretend Christmas morning and were tired from staying up late the night before for pretend Christmas Eve. All was quiet as Pretend Christmas morning waited...and waited for the family to get out of bed already.

Finally! The family is alive! Girls raced out of hallway held back by their Dad who was trying to help their Mom get a few shots. The excitement of Christmas morning was real, whether Christmas morning was pretend or not.

The littlest member of the family, Jessica chose the dumping out method of going through her stocking versus her older (by 2 minutes) sister, Katie, who opted for sticking in her hand and pulling things out. In this case, she pulled out gumballs.

The two little girls were very happy with their stockings but by pretend Christmas morning, they were kind of pros at the whole thing. (Given that they had actual Christmas morning on Christmas) So they knew there was much better stuff than some gumballs, a yo yo and play makeup. And the better stuff was called presents. And they were right in Jessica's line of sight. Under the tree. Wrapped in shiny paper. Ready to be opened. And they had waited all through December and now part of January to get at them. They were ready to get on with pretend Christmas morning. Their Dad however, did not have ANY Christmas morning yet. Don't tell anyone, but pretend Christmas morning was REALLY for him. He did not know it was pretend. Can you tell? He isn't happy or anything is he? He must have had a reeeeeeallllly good long winters nap.

Two little girls got makeup in their stockings. These little floosies LOVE their makeup. The brighter the better. Here, an angelic little toddler (they are still toddlers at three right?) is applying eyeshadow... to her cheek. Purple eyeshadow. Upon seeing herself in the mirror she announced that she was a "makeup expert you know". Her little sister applied blue glitter eye gel shadow to her eyelids in such large quantities we had to wash it off immediately so we don't have pictures because the mother had to put down the camera to scrub eyes that were apparently allergic to cheap pretend makeup with poisonous dyes and lead from China that cost $2.00 for an entire eyeshadow, blush and lipstick kit. The mother of this family should be nominated for an award because she only buys her daughters dye free, educational, self esteem building, healthy body imaging reinforcing, organic, biodegradable toys made in the USA by battered women who have bravely escaped their abusive relationships and live in shelters funded by Oprah. This mother would never ever buy poisonous presents that have a mirror that chips off little pieces of glass into the eyeshadow so the children apply purple poisonous glass into their eyes. Oh no. This mother would NEVER.

The opening of the presents will return after this short commercial message.

"Looking for a delightful and refreshing treat? Peel fresh oranges off of your grandmothers tree and place them in your new JUICER which provides healthy and wonderful juices containing no pulp and is so delicious it will blow your frickin' mind."

Two wonderful friends named Mr. Williams and Mr. Sonoma sent the family these wonderful croissants that they took out of the freezer the night before, let them rise overnight and then baked for 18 minutes in the oven, then consumed them faster than you can blink while making yummy noises that actually sounded inappropriate. Just joking. There is no one named Mr. Williams or Mr. Sonoma. Actually there are people named that somewhere but we don't know them. But you can order these croissants from Williams-Sonoma for $39.95 for 15 plain or chocolate croissants. The rest of the story is true. And ordering them will change your life. And the size of your butt. However, they are so good they might be worth it. I think they are. And I'm glad I don't have any left. Because I would want one right now.

The Dad has been away on a deployment in Afghanistan. He learned how to make this really great dish with goat meat.....just joking. For Christmas breakfast, the main man in the family (the only man) made his very famous scrambled eggs to go along with the orange juice and croissants. His scrambled eggs are famous for the following reasons. 1) They are ironic eggs. He uses half the yolks for the total number of eggs (4 yolks for 8 eggs). He does this because it is healthier. But he scrambles the eggs in the same pan the bacon is cooked in with some of the pan drippings. See ironic eggs. 2) He makes the eggs in small batches because he does not know how to do a large task all at once because he can't multi task. 3) They have to be eaten hot and he will hound you if you talk or do anything other than shovel eggs once they are on your plate. 4) They are the MOST delicious eggs you have ever tasted. Honest. The man has a gift.
















We now return to the opening of the presents. And to kick us off is yet ANOTHER rendition of Away in a Manger. When you only know three Christmas songs, you can't really ask for a lot.
















Two little girls got pink polka dot sleeping bags. The parents told them this is in preparation for camping out in the backyard this summer. However, it is really just in case someone might want to invite the girls sleep someplace other than here. Which means they would be sleeping elsewhere. Which means they would be getting up at 6:30 a.m. elsewhere. What a GREAT idea. Goooooo Sleeping Bags yay!!! No really.....goooooooo! ha ha. Actually the girls sleep at their Grammie and Papa's very often. But they don't sleep on the floor. They sleep in Grammie's bed with her in the middle so she can tickle their arms, their backs, their tummies, their legs, their feet and it goes on and on. But in case anyone else would like to get up nice and early...they have sleeping bags now!
















A Fairy Godgrammie got the girls their favorite of all their Christmas presents for either real or pretend Christmas. Converse All Stars in red glitter with black glitter accents. The shoes went on the feet immediately. The shoes have begged to be worn everyday since. But the little girls refuse to wear them to school because they don't want to ruin them by getting sand inside of them from the playground. But any other activity, including just playing in the house, must include their glitter shoes. They insisted that they purchase the SAME shoes for their Papa's birthday just a few days ago. I tried to explain they don't make glitter shoes for Papas. So he got Navy Blue ones. And they had to make their Mom get herself black ones. Pretty soon, the family will all own Converse All Stars.

The little family had their own Christmas miracle. It was like the gift of the Magi. The Dad bought the Mom a Playstion 3 along with Guitar Hero. Because apparently the Mom mentioned somewhere along the way (when she was drunk and high on crack) that she thought it might be cool to get Guitar Hero. Somehow, the Dad received Madden 09 from Grammie and Papa. Isn't that AMAZING? The Mom is not sure which she is more surprised about - the fact that the Grandparents somehow knew he would be able to play Madden 09 for Playstation OR the fact that the Mom owns her very own Playstation.

Hold onto your socks. In addition to pretend Christmas Eve and pretend Christmas morning, the family HAD, just HAD to celebrate pretend Mike's birthday on the same night that pretend Christmas morning happened. Actual Mike's birthday had already happened on December 26th so pretend Mike's birthday happened this same night. If you think you are sick of looking at these pictures, imagine living through this day. The actual Mike wanted his pretend birthday to take place at Osaka Japanese Restaurant where we treated the actual girls, both sets of parents and two Grandmothers to dinner of sushi, teriyaki, sukiyaki, tempura, udon and once again...yummy noises.

An actual fire was started on the pretend birthday. Jessica and Katie insisted the entire box of candles were used and that a chocolate overload cake was consumed.
















This lady didn't know it was pretend. Just joking. Well not really. Follow me?
















This lady gave actual birth to the birthday boy on his actual birthday although I'm sure it was painful enough that it seemed like it lasted until his pretend birthday. This is getting more confusing. Hello? Are you still there? Testing 1-2-3. Is this thing on? Tap Tap.

The Dad who was away but now is home and happy to be back with his family and happy to have celebrated Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning and his Birthday... FOR REALZ...not pretend.

Oh, and just in case you still need a reason to stab yourself in the EYE. The family celebrated pretend THIRD Christmas, yes I said that right, with the Dad's Mom and Dad AFTER the pretend birthday party. No I'm not joking just to drive you crazy. It really happened. And it was FUN. And HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO was given by the parents. And it has been played. A LOT. And did you know that there are secret tricks to HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPO which enable your hippo to consume MORE white balls thereby winning more often? The trick is to turn the hippo into a snapping turtle. No I don't know what I'm typing at this point. Are you crazy? Yes, I know I'M crazy but are you? I was just wondering.

And the girls launch into hugs with their Grandma. They were NOT tired of real OR pretend Christmas OR pretend birthdays OR pretend sushi by this point. In fact, they told their Grandma just after this was taken, that she made their wish come true because she brought them THIRD CHRISTMAS!!! And also did they think we could have a 4TH Christmas.

MY ANSWER WAS NOOOOOOOO.

It has finally happened. I'm sick of myself. Good night and good bye.