Repetitive Chaos

My sister in law Amber posted this most beautiful poem on her blog the other day called Sweet Monotony all about the dance you do as a new Mom and how sacred and special that time is. I thought about how much my life has changed since those new days of Motherhood. So I wrote my own version, called Repetitive Chaos to celebrate what my life feels like now. Here is the great poem first, followed by my silly version.

Sweet Monotony
Feeding
Feeding Burping
Feeding Burping Changing
Feeding Burping Changing Cooing
Feeding Burping Changing Cooing Fussing
Feeding Burping Changing Cooing Fussing Rocking
Feeding Burping Changing Cooing Fussing Rocking
Feeding Burping Changing Cooing Fussing Cooing
Burping Changing Cooing Fussing Rocking Sleeping
Changing Cooing Fussing Rocking Sleeping Waking
Cooing Fussing Rocking Sleeping Waking
Fussing Rocking Sleeping Waking
Rocking Sleeping Waking
Sleeping Waking
Waking

Though the order may change,
The motions are the same.Regardless of time,
Regardless of day,
My life
And the life of my baby's
Is made up of the same movements over
and over and over again.
It is exhausting
For both of us.
I sometimes long for a change. . . does she?
But then I remember that Music is made using the same seven notes in variation.
And only twenty-six letters combine to create poems, and plays, and masterpieces.
I realize that monotony can create miracles.
So I will go through the motions with my baby
And we will dance
Through the pages of our own story.

And now for the Amy Meeker version...

Repetitive Chaos
Waking Threatening
Waking Threatening
Late - going to be very late.
Looking and looking. Shoe found.
Looking and looking. Backpack located.
Looking and looking. Teddy Bear wedged in the couch cushions.
Crying. Shouting. Bribery. Treachery.
Promises. Pleading. Speeding.
Cell phone dialing. Excusing lateness.
Lecturing. Lecturing.
Throwing snacks backward. Hoping to hit my target.
Spilling. Wrappers crinkling.
Screeching to a stop.
Unloading. Unloading. Unloading the world.
Drop off. Sigh of relief. Tears of joy.
Running running. Errands too many. Running. Sweating.
Speeding. Cell phone dialing. Back to pick up.
Praying. Praying. Prayers for nap time. Please God nap time.
Thawing, defrosting. Nuking and reheating.
Loud talking. Dinner consumed. Laughing. Spilling.
Wiping. Cleaning. Wiping and cleaning.
Bathing and playing. Splashing and sudsing.
Tangle spray and brushing. Crying and begging.
Lotion rubbing and pajama picking.
Scripture reading, story telling. Prayers praying.
Water. Last minute pee pee. More water.
"I heard a noise." "She's keeping me awake"
Threatening. Not sleeping. Bargaining and warning.
Finishing everything I didn't do during the day.

Though the order may change and the events vary, the motions of the Mom and Preschooler are the same. My life and the lives of my 4 year olds are made up of repetitive chaos that makes me curl into a ball and suck my thumb in the corner. But then I remember that I have less than two years to go until all day school and I vow to cherish these moments. That usually gets me through until 10:32 a.m. Then, it's all sheer luck, caffeine and prayer.

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

It's time for a few of my favorite things list. I did a summer edition a few months back so we'll call this My Favorite Things Summer edition 2.0.

• Rolle (French Bistro/market) This is one of the best little finds in all of Sacramento. It is on 54th and H street. It opened 10 years ago as a french market with just a couple of tables. Now there are about 10 tables and they serve the best country rustic french food around. I had the best creme brulee (blueberry) that I've ever had and Mike had a satisfying chocolate mousse. (it was no pot au creme from Blvd Bistro but it was okay) But the food is the real star. The owner smokes fresh salmon four different ways. I recommend the hot, cooked smoked salmon. He also roasts marinated prawns that are to die for. His hot sandwiches like Croque Monsieur (ham/cheese) or the hot salmon sandwich and the salads are the reasons to go. Order the chilled prawns appetizer and dig into the creme fraiche with dill with your crusty baguette. Lunch is under $10 per person. Go after 1 for no wait. Expect to wait for a table between 12 and 1. Order your food as takeout and go over to a park and enjoy a picnic!
• The Mentalist - I've been watching the reruns because I didn't watch it originally. It's good! I still can't figure out what that dude was in though.
• Perrier with Lime and ice.
• Fall - just the idea of cooler weather makes me happy.
• Lee Jeans - the tummy panel is awesome!
• Roses - pink ones in a glass vase.

The What When Why and How?

I've received a lot of email about why I was in the hospital and offered prayers and expressions of love. These mean a lot to me. So here's what happened in short little summary.

Over the past six to eight weeks I've been feeling sick to my stomach and having intestinal disturbances (a polite way of putting it) every day. My primary doctor and my GI specialist ran tests and couldn't find anything. But I was still getting sick everyday. My day would be cruising along just fine and then, whamo...I'd get sick. So on the 17th of August, I pulled a muscle in my side from throwing up so hard. I called my doctor in the morning and she and my specialist told me to go to the hospital to get admitted. So I went on Tuesday the 18th and they began what would turn out to be 9 days of tests and boredom. They determined that I have Inflammatory Intestinal Disease and they have put me on eight different medications, causing me to have to take 27 pills per day. Yes, I said 27. Most medications are for things like Crohn's disease, however, I don't have an confirmed Crohn's diagnosis. But now I'm working with my doctors to treat the symptoms of this condition and hoping to get used to the medications and that they help me return to a normal life. This has been a super hard year for me and I am hoping it gets a lot better from here on in.

So that's the story, it's nothing dramatic or exciting. But I thank you for your thoughts and kind words, calls and email.

He was just SEVENTEEN, you know what I MEAN...

I should have posted this on Saturday. However, on Saturday, I was stuck on the 4th floor of the UCD Med Center in the middle of a zillion and one tests (more on that later). Saturday was the occasion of my seventeenth anniversary of marriage to Mikey. Normally, I would have posted my best Emily Dickinson style post, waxing romantically about all the reasons I love Mike Meeker. However, this year I'd like to express a more authentic sentiment to my beloved. I'd like to express the reasons I REALLY love him, rather than the frilly fluff I would normally be want to blather on about. I thought a bullet list would be appropriate, because 17 years of marriage and bullets...they just seem to go together don't they?

• Saturday is a perfect example of why I love Mike. I sat in the hospital and he brought my favorite pink roses to my bedside. He brought himself, in a funny mood, cracking old jokes and stories and cheering me up in a subtle way that he knew would work but not be over the top cheesy. He took care of the babes without complaint and made me feel cared for and loved and carried the weight of our responsibilities. He got no card, no present, no dinner out...just gave of himself and his time. This is life married to Mike.
• The only gift I could think to give to Mike is to let him off the hook in regards to coming back to the hospital that night with the girls to visit. They had napped late so it would have taken a lot of effort to dress them, load them, unload them, visit, keep them quiet, load them back in the car, get them home and to bed. Instead, I told him to just enjoy the evening, set the girls up with a movie and take the night off. Instead, he and the girls had a football pizza party. They stuck baseball hats on backward, ordered a pizza, ate it on the couch while watching football. When pizza was done, they got out their nerf football and played four downs each of tackle football in the living room using pillows to break their falls. Mike was so excited when he called that he had taught the girls a shuttle pass that they could do to work together to score a touchdown. He also taught them how to come at him from two different sides so they could take him down easier. Then they rested on the couch and watched the rest of the game. He said he had the best night and that while they were eating the end of the pizza that Katie exclaimed "this is the BEST NIGHT EVER!" Mike and his girls, it's a huge part of why I love him.
• He gets me water in the middle of the night. Always has, always will. It was a promise he made and he totally kept it.
• He manages our money. We would be in jail if it was left to me to manage. I am so thankful he does this because I suck with money.
• He takes out the garbage and never forgets. I realized what a big deal this is when he was in Afghanistan. I forgot all the time.
• He gets the mail. I also hate to do this. The mail carrier rang my doorbell when it got so full she couldn't stuff anymore mail in there when he was gone. He gets it everyday and is excited for me when my People Magazine comes.
• He has the best taste in movies. He loves Braveheart and Shawshank and Top Gun just like all guys do but he also loves Sense and Sensibility and Sleepless in Seattle and he's not afraid to quote lines from the chickiest of chick flicks.
• He likes Broadway musicals and he's not gay. He had never seen a musical live before we got married. At the end of Les Miserables when they sing "...will you join in our crusade?..." he always stands up and shouts "YES I WILL" at the top of his lungs. It's embarrassing but he loves it and I love that about him.
• We fight. We have gotten in big fights where he has fled to sleep in the bathroom tub with blankets because it was the only place he could find that I wouldn't be able to follow. Now however, we will be super mad and he'll say..."we are too old to have this fight. Can we just please go to bed and agree that we are both super mad and finish fighting tomorrow?" I love this about him because the fight is always over once we get a good night's sleep.
• He's not scared of me. Don't tell him this is something I like because officially I miss the days where he used to be scared of me, but secretly I'm glad the score is more even.
• He likes me for me. He knows my good, bad, ugly, fat, bloated, sick, well, glammed up, scummed out sides and he loves all of them.
• He calls me on my crap. He doesn't let me get...well...bitchy. He'll tell me I'm wrong if I hurt someones feelings. He doesn't always take my side.
• And the best thing. He loves the Lord. He wants to do what's right. That doesn't mean he always does what is right, but it eats at him when he doesn't. His core is good and he tries to be a good father, a good husband and serve his patients and co-workers and family and friends. This spreads him too thin to do it all perfectly and I love that he cares and vows to try and do better. He always has something he wants to do better when I am more inclined to just give up and say "good enough". Mike isn't happy with good enough.

So these reasons may not inspire any sonnets and are very un-Shakespeare-esque. But they are my reasons and they are true and real. Our life isn't perfect but I can honestly say I would not change who I chose to spend it with and I think after 17 years that's pretty darn good.

My staring role as "patient in hospital" has been extended! This engagement will run through next Tuesday! ugh.

I'll Be Here All Week Folks!! I am making a guest star appearance at UCD hospital in the role of patient with GI problems! Come see me anytime!

Courage All Around

Lately, it seems like everywhere I look, stories of courage keep popping up around me. One month ago, Katie and Jessica could not be in the pool without us holding them tightly. Now, they jump off the side, submerge themselves underwater and swim to the steps or the side of the pool. Katie spends more time under water than above it. As we watched them graduate from Starfish class and immerse themselves in Seahorse swim class, I saw real courage as they made the choice to let go and submerge themselves underneath the cool water. I watched as they let go of their teacher and made their way toward safety, in water over their heads, all alone. I've watched as my Grandmother, at the advanced age of 89, left her home that she's had since the 1950's and enter an Assisted Living Facility. She went from a three bedroom home to a one bedroom apartment. A woman who cooked for a living and for a family of 6 her whole life, now does not have a stove. She knew not a soul in the place. But she faced this transition bravely, has made a gaggle of friends and is loving her life. Her only regret, she tells us, is that she didn't move there sooner. My sister in law had a new baby while her husband prepares to apply to Law School. My other sister in law has kept her family going in a strange town while my brother in law travels for the Air Force. My brother in law broke up with a girl he really liked because it just wasn't the right girl for him and he knew it. The girls' preschool teacher danced in our local Struass Festival in a festooned candy pink ballgown, in front of hundreds of people from all over the state. My mother in law held the hand of her baby sister as she ended her courageous battle against cancer. All of these acts of courage might normally get chalked up to life experiences. But in them, I see courage that brings me to tears.

So when I became aware of the most tremendous act of courage I have heard of ever, I had to write about it. Many of you might have already heard this story so hang in there with me while I give a brief recap. Arizona couple, Christian and Stephanie Nielsen were in a private plane crash one year ago. Stephanie is the author of the Nie Nie Dialogues, a mommy blog, that chronicled her life of raising her four children and loving being a wife and a mother. Her blog was filled with love letters to her husband and depicted family celebrations for birthdays and special achievements, fashion shows of back to school clothes, bike rides and New Years Eve parties. She encouraged the wearing of red lipstick and the enjoyment of simple things like glitter, high heels and the letting go of helium balloons with messages attached to the strings. They were vegetarians, beautiful and the epitome of health. Stephanie gave her husband flying lessons for his birthday. They crashed in a small plane with their flight instructor. The flight instructor died. Christian was burned on something like 30% of his body. Stephanie was burned on over 80% of her body. She should not have survived and was in a coma for months. There are a million stories of courage I could share with you about this amazing family. Stephanie's sister has the most amazing blog called cjane enjoy it. Both her blog and Stephanie's are linked on the right side of this blog. Trust me, once you go there, you'll never come back here. cjane is a true essayist. Her blog is a treasure of beautiful prose, hilarious stories, fashion and coolness. Stephanie has kept up her blog since she awoke from her coma, sharing her new reality with her readers in an open manner that will make you weep. So as you can imagine, there are many stories of courage, love and heroism. However, this past Saturday, a story emerged that has made me weep with sorrow, joy and awe since I read about it.

Stephanie grew up in Provo, Utah. In Provo, there is a big white stone letter "Y" up on the side of a mountain on the East side of town. (The "Y" is for the local college BYU) You can't live in Provo without hiking to the Y at least once. I lived there for 18 months and I hiked there exactly that many times, once. You have two choices when hiking to the Y. You can hike up a series of switchbacks on the trail, or you can just head straight on up. Straight up is much harder but shorter, the switchbacks being easier but taking much longer. I always thought the people who chose the switchbacks were dumb. Why drag out the pain? Just hype yourself up and go for it. Then I tried the straight up route. I quickly found myself on a switchback trail, with an ache in my side and a new understanding of the value in slow and steady progress. Anyway, back to Stephanie. Growing up, she hiked to the Y daily with her dogs. It was her special place. After waking up from her coma, being transferred to the burn unit in Utah, finally being released from the hospital etc etc, she went to visit her beloved trail. She made it to the trail head before she had to turn back. She set a personal goal to hike to the Y by the one year anniversary of the crash. In addition to working toward this goal, she has been trying to work up the courage to post a picture of herself on her blog. On Saturday, she did both. Let me tell you, once you spend some time reading about this family, you will understand the miracle in these two achievements. I will not post a picture of Stephanie here because I think she should be able to do that on her terms and I feel it's sort of invasive. But let me say here and now that her demonstrations of bravery have changed the way I walk in the world.

If you are lacking inspiration or you feel like your problems are insurmountable, take some time to read Stephanie's story. I recommend starting with the time before the crash. Then, switch to cjane for updates after the crash and a story of heroism all it's own. Finally, go back to Stephanie when she starts writing again. You won't be sorry. Instead of going and buying a new book, read these instead. They are free and are so much better than any book you could buy. Have your Kleenex ready.

Reunited and it feels so good...

Here I am, in all my reunion splendor. My hair was curled in ringlets but in this picture I have somehow pushed my bangs back from my head making it look ridiculous. So imagine this picture with cute bangs. And imagine me with a tan instead of ghostly white. Oh, and imagine I squeezed in time to get my teeth bleached okay? And might you also squint your eyes a bit to see those workouts I meant to get in and those wrinkles I actually don't have? Thanks. You are a peach.
So...2o years. 1989. The FIRST George Bush became President, the Soviet Union - Afghanistan war ended when the USSR left Kabul, Exxon Valdez spilled in Alaska, Rain Man won best picture, Tianamen Square, Seinfeld & The Simpsons premiered on TV, Gameboys came out, Menendez brothers, 7.1 earthquake during SanFrancisco-Oakland World Series, Berlin Wall came down, "Wind Beneath My Wings" was the number one song the month we graduated. The 49ers won the Superbowl. Really people, have things changed that much in 20 years (except for the dominance of bay area sports teams)? Do you wonder why I don't feel old? A few other little things happened that year too. I fell in love with one Mr. Mike Meeker. I graduated from high school. This past Saturday, Mike and I got gussied up and headed to downtown Sacramento for our class reunion. We had a wonderful time. I never went back to high school after graduation and I lost touch with most people rather quickly. I was young and stupid. So this event was even more special because I had the opportunity to see and visit with people I hadn't seen in literally twenty years. Because Mike and I didn't date until after high school, we never got to go to prom or a dance together. So Mike pointed out that this was like our prom and we tried hard to make it fun and celebratory. I got to have my hair done which was a treat and I liked my black dress that I found at Nordstrom months ago. I wore jewelry and shoes I had and Mike pulled out some clothes from his closet and we hit the town.

"High school is the place that you saw the prettiest girls you have ever known in real life. And then there was always that guy. The one you got up for in the morning. He was what made high school worth bothering with."(Drew Barrymore - Never Been Kissed)

It's nice to know that those girls are still just as beautiful and that the boy is now just a regular guy with kids and a mortgage. I felt so thankful that my life turned out exactly as it has. How many paths could I have walked instead of becoming Amy Meeker, Jessica and Katie's Mom? I'm so thankful that God didn't pay too much attention to the boys names I doodled on my binder and that I didn't end up following through with my "wanting to go to boarding school" phase. I'm glad I got involved in school, got good grades and made friends. Because it was so fun to see these people last Saturday. Here are just a few shots and funny details that I'd like to share.

(Above) Classmates from Markoffer Elementary School. I have known some of these people for 31 years. The Asian guy in the back poking his head up used to beat me up with those big huge long chalkboard erasers. In 6th grade we made a gigantic IZOD float with the Alligator because being Preppy was so in. I made my Dad buy me the Preppy handbook. I was not cool. I wore purple knickers and argyle socks in front of these people. I played my first kissing game at a party at the house of the guy behind me in the white shirt. The blond girl in the middle and the girl next to her are still two of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen because they were so Joradache jean, feathered hair, Liz Claiborne purse cool.

(Above) On the left is Kori. Her blog is linked on the right. We keep in touch still so she got a front seat to my pre-reunion anxiety. She has the best laugh of anyone on the planet earth. It is deep and loud and guaranteed to make you laugh. And she laughs often. So that means you laugh often when you are with her. She's the coolest. The guy in the middle is Tai. He is maybe the kindest most likable person I have ever known. And to catch up with him and discover he is wonderfully happy and in love with his wife and three daughters warmed my heart and made me feel better about the world.

(Above) This is Jen on the left. Jen did such a good job at rounding up our classmates and getting us all there. Tara is on her right. She headed the whole shindig up and made sure we had an awesome time. They had help from the others on the committee like Sherri (pix to follow) and they could not have done a better job. We had the entire McCormick & Schmick's restaurant and it was classy but laid back at the same time. Such a perfect venue and organized fantastically. And I found out that Tara reads my blog! Shout out to you Tara...the best P.E. teacher and reunion organizer EVER! When we were in school, Tara made us all watch Dirty Dancing with her over and over again. And she was scared of my dog Moz. She used to jump to the top of our couch when he came in. And he was such a nice dog. Seriously, she used to freak.

(Above) So my Dad coached my softball teams for a lot of years. Our name was "The Ms.Fits" which was the name of a women's clothing store in town that was also our team sponsor. Paula (L) and Channa (R) were on our team for years. Paula played left field for our team and was so much fun and was the spirit and heart of our team. One night she took a fly ball to the forehead and had the biggest knot on her head I've ever seen to this day. You could see the stitches of the ball imprinted on her forehead. Channa was our star pitcher. My Dad's favorite story when people ask him how coaching girls is different than coaching boys is about Channa. It was our Championship game, a huge game and we were playing the #1 ranked team. But it was also Junior Prom the next day. Channa showed up at the game with freshly manicured acrylic tips with pastel peach polish to match her peach taffeta tea length gown she was going to wear to prom the next day. She explained to my Dad that she couldn't pitch because she just got her nails done. My Dad couldn't believe it. He told her she had to pitch and she started to cry. So then he turned to me and said "Amy you are pitching." And I started to bawl because it was "just TOOOOOO much presssssurrreee Daaaaaad!" See, there was a cute boy that I liked coming to see me play that night AND it was a super big game. So he had his only two pitchers hugging each other and glaring at him in the dug out while we wiped black streaks of Great Lash Mascara off of our cheeks. I remember he grabbed his face and pulled his skin a lot. I don't even remember who pitched or if we won.

This is Glen. He is the greatest and saved my bacon in high school. He was the smartest dude in our class. When I was Student Body President he was our Treasurer. I am not good at math. No seriously, I had to take Algebra more times than I will admit. And there was blackmail involved in me receiving a passing grade in Geometry. And PreCalculus was passed by the smallest of margins possible and was the only time I was even close to straight A's. I had six beautiful A's and then there was my math grade. Glen kept our student council on track and knew where every penny was at all times. I did not. And he used to help me with my math homework. And then Mike Meeker was my math tutor. I paid him. Glen, however, helped me FOR FREE. Thanks Glen. It was great catching up. Glen and his wife fell in love the same year Mike and I did...freshman year of college. That was a good year.

(Above) Hey, who let these guys in? This is a horrible picture of us but it's the only proof we were there together. We sucked at taking pictures.

(Above) This is Sherri and Mike. Sherri was one of my best friends and we have kept in touch. She was the most fun person in the world and we have many an embarrassing memory we share. All boys were in love with Sherri. She had perfect sun streaked hair, perfect blue eyes, perfect cheek bones, white teeth and was tall and willowy. And she had that aloof but sweet quality that teenage boys go crazy over. Mike Meeker, my husband, the father of my children was not immune to Sherri's charms. He took his turn with all the other boys having a crush on Sherri. They had English together one year. He had helped her with school work (for free - go figure) and so for the end of the year they had to do a report on "where they will be in 10 years". Then they had to present it out loud to the class. Mike got up and said he'd be in the Air Force and have a couple kids and would be married to Sherri. The whole class snickered and thought "ha ha, what a nerd face, he is like admitting he loves the hottest girl in school." Then, Sherri got up and gave her report and said she had lived all over the country, had a couple of kids and was married to Mike Meeker. (they planned it out ahead of time) Mike said the whole class was silent and their mouths were gaping open. I think Mike maybe loved this moment a little too much. (Above) Here we are at the Sunday family picnic, where we could bring our families to the park and enjoy a picnic lunch and visiting. Mike and I were in charge of the crafts for kids and relay races for all the kids. It was so fun to see our kids play along side kids of the kids we grew up with. On the left is Shelley who I've known since 2nd grade and who is a Principal at a school here in town and who looks as good, if not better, than we did as teenagers. But she's too nice to hate her for it. I'm next in the hat. My hair was like crazy on Sunday morning from the night before so the hat was necessary but made me look like I was on vacation. Mike in a Hawaiian shirt, thus perpetuating the vacation motif of dress for the Meekers. And next to Mike is Kelly, my senior year boyfriend who is also one of the nicest people I have ever known, maybe a tie with Tai. Kelly was my date for the whole of my senior year to all the important events, but more than my date, he was my good friend. We have also kept in touch over the years and he has the most beautiful wife with the prettiest green eyes you have ever seen. And his kids are talented and nice and smart which makes sense given how nice their parents are.

Overall, it was a great two days. I had never gone to a reunion before because we lived so far away and Mike was starting med school or we were doing IVF. If you have a chance to go to a reunion, GO! It's important to take a moment and celebrate how insecure, stupid, innocent and wonderful you were. It's called childhood. Hopefully, at some point, we stop taking it seriously and laugh at the freak show that was called adolescence.

Blocked

I can remember one time when I was little that my cousin Bo trapped me inside of a sleeping bag. I was about 9 and he got it so my head and body were inside and he twisted the opening and sat on it cutting off my exit. I felt trapped. It was dark. I couldn't breathe or cry for help. I kicked and hit and struggled but he was protected from my efforts by the padding of the bag. I felt like I was going to die. Eventually, he let me out. I remember sobbing after I took that first gulp of fresh air. I remember the light was too bright but I refused to shut my eyes, afraid I would plunge into the dark once again. To this day, my worst fear is being blocked from light and air and freedom. As you may have noticed by my absence, as of late, I have been blocked.

A metaphorical sleeping bag had come over me. After knee surgery, I was literally unable to roam freely and found myself fighting to feel human and alive. About six weeks ago, I started to feel very sick to my stomach during various parts of the day. At the most random of times I would break out into a cold sweat and throw up. What started off as annoying quickly turned debilitating. So about four weeks ago I went into my doctor and ended up testing positive for the antibody that is present in the swine flu. I had the swine flu. I already felt like a big, slow moving pig at the county fair that just lays around all day while spectators pay it a visit. Now, the label of "swine" was literal and actual. Go Me! I progressed to get more and more sick more and more often. I had all your basic flu symptoms for weeks. Two weeks ago, I was at a point where I was sick all day everyday. I went in and told my doctor that something else had to be wrong. This just wasn't acting like the flu. So she tested and tested all the things you can test and sent me to a specialist. All is fine except I still am testing positive for the swine flu antibody. I'm not contagious, just frequently symptomatic. There were large portions of the day that were wonderful with no sickness. Then, just as I would be loading my two excited girls in the van after swim lessons, I would puke all over and was unable to drive because I was so dizzy. I'm very lucky I did not experience the respiratory parts of the swine flu that cause serious health risks. I made myself sip water and Gatorade all day to stay semi-hydrated as to avoid further complications. I've had one heck of a year. But I've never been more sick than this in my life.

I hesitated blogging about it. I am so sick of being sick. And I HATE being around people that always seem to have something they are complaining about. Seriously, I hate those sick all the time people. Others view you differently when you are sick or have health issues. They make excuses for you or they pity you. Pity is more than I can bear. Almost as bad as pity is knowing that people are thinking about all the things in your life that you should have done differently to avoid what's going on now. And the worst part is that you know they are right and you know you should have eaten better and kept a better schedule and exercised and stayed on top of all of it but you didn't and now somehow your daughters have been left motherless as you puke your guts out because of all you did or didn't do. And there you are, alone in your room, unable to breathe or see any light. Blocked in that damn sleeping bag again.

I am happy to say that I have taken my first gulps of fresh air and feel grateful to be alive. I have been back to functioning for about 4 or 5 days. I still feel queasy like when you get off a really crazy carnival ride most of the day and I still break out in the flop sweats. But the difference between today and last Sunday night are astounding and amazing. My doctor said this would run it's course and I am overjoyed to say I believe her. When she said it, I was angry and felt it would never end. But (knock on wood), I think it has and I give thanks to God. My knee has also had a big improvement. I am not limping and it's feeling stronger everyday.

I didn't know if it was going to be physically possible, but Mike and I were able to attend our twenty year reunion this past weekend. I will blog about it later, but it was just the cure I needed. I felt so emotionally and physically beaten up. Who knew I needed several doses of fabulous memories and some injections of amazingly kind and fun people from my distant past along with one big ol' date with my favorite friend Mike Meeker to right my upside down reality. I soaked it all in. The butterflies of being nervous to see everyone, the fun of turning my pumpkin self into the best version of an almost 40 year old Cinderella as I could get, the familiar faces, voices and sounds of laughter (thanx Kori). I'll write all about it because I want to remember it. Contrary to what a lot of people like to say...MY 20th class reunion WAS a big deal to me! If I hear one more person say how they "don't care" and "I'm so over high school" and "I don't have anyone to impress" I'm going to go crazy. I shared childhood with these people. They knew me before I had boobs or a career or before I understood the danger of blue eyeshadow. Call me nerdy or pathetic or trapped in the past, but I CARE. I don't care all day everyday and I don't think I am one of those "glory days" kind of people. But dang it, upon the occasion of my 20th year out of high school, I set aside my "coolness" and I willingly gave the occasion my heart. If that makes me sad and pathetic so be it. It was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed to get myself the air that I so desperately needed to breathe. I feel blocked no longer.

More to come...

I don't know that word...

Do you know any ladies in their eighties? Yes. As in like 89, 85 etc. My Grandmothers, bless them, came to the final test in Katie and Jessica's starfish swim class. (I know, you are confused already) Okay pay attention. Katie and Jessica are 4. They like to hang out with their Great Grandmothers on a regular basis. They love old people. So when the grandmas found out today was their final swim class in this level, they asked if they could come watch. So Mom & Dad picked up Grammie Bea from the sorrority house (assisted living), Grandma Houlie drove down from West Sac and off we all went (including Grammie and Papa) to witness the glory that is the triumph of the Starfish.

So I'm sitting there with Grandma Houlie and she mentions she loves the girl's shirts they had on. I explained that they had their swimsuits on under them but these shirts are 50 proof for sunblock so it gives extra protection when they are out in the sun. She stared at me like I was speaking Arabic. She said "I don't know these words." (50 proof to Gram means something entirely different called Brandy) Huh? I tried to explain further "you know Gram, they have 50 times the sun protection so they are safer..." Still nothing. Then she says "you know, there are so many words today and I just don't know what any of them mean." So I said "that's okay Gram, we just are trying to keep them from getting a sunburn and the shirts help that." And she says, "yes, I understand the doctors are now saying you should be aware of the sun." It was then that I just felt it was best to move on.

But it got me thinking about my Grandma's vernacular versus mine. My Grandma uses these words on a regular basis: Hassock, Oleo, Pepsodent, Davenport, Pop and Word Processor. There are so many more but I can't think of them right now. One time, she was watching Katie and Jessica when they were little and Katie pooped. She took her dirty bottom over the sink to rinse it off. I showed her again where the wipes were. She stared at me with the same blank expression. After she left, I realized she had no idea what wipes were. There are so many things like that.

So Gram, next time you hop online (ha ha), you need to familiarize yourself with the following words: Twitter, Facebook, TiVO or DVR, Anthropologie, Bravo TV and Hogwarts. And I'd like to have all of your old jewelry. (sshhhh....don't tell her we now call it vintage!)

My Favorite Things - Summer 09 Edition

I love to pretend I am Oprah. I pretend (in my mind and all by myself) that I am a middle aged woman, struggling with my weight that loves to talk to people and share information with the masses. Oh wait. Hee hee. I ALSO like to pretend that people care about what I have to say and every once in awhile I come up with my favorite things even though I have no commercial endorsements and am not giving jack away to anyone. Here we go!!!

• Roy Yamaguchi. If you don't know who Roy Yamaguchi is, I feel so sorry for you. He is the chef that invented fusion cuisine. If you don't know what fusion cuisine is, well, you probably won't appreciate the rest of this either. Roy is the owner of Roy's of Hawaii which is a chain of restaurants that combine french technique and saucing with Japanese and Hawaiian ingredients. Roy just competed on Top Chef Masters last night on Bravo. He didn't win. But I LOVE him. He is such a classy guy, he never says anything negative in interviews ever. He embodies what Aloha means to me. And his Misoyaki Butterfish is by far the best thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. It is ordered as an appetizer on his menus. However, I would order in for my appetizer, then again for my entree, then again for my side dish and again for my dessert. Then, I would go back the next day and have it again. You might have a Roy's in a city near you. These chain of upscale restaurants are open all over the country. The closest one to me in San Francisco. I'm trying to think of some reason to go to San Francisco this weekend. If you go to Hawaii, please go there. If you live in Baltimore, please go there, etc. And order the misoyaki butterfish. Even if you don't like fish. Mike and I stood lookout for each other while the other one of us licked our plate. Sometimes Mike will look at me and say Miso Butterfish. It's as good as foreplay.
• Tanning. I know! It's so bad. But see, I have a little thing coming up called my 20 year class reunion. And jiggly parts of your body just look better if they are not glowing in the dark. I consulted my cousin Susan about whether to tan or not tan, to spray or not spray or to glow or not glow. She gave me excellent advice to tan gently and then make up for it by wearing major sunscreen for the rest of the summer and next summer. I have not even had a little bit of a tan since 2001 and we did a 10 week rotation in Hawaii. So I figure this little bit of pre-event tanning balances out and I am committed to 100% sunscreen after August 8th.
• Swim Lessons. Right now, Katie and Jessica are very proud to be Starfish. They will be Seahorses in a few weeks. They love swim lessons so much and tonight they fell asleep at 4pm and we carried Jessica to her bed at 9:30 p.m and she is sleeping still. Katie got up for 30 minutes to eat some cereal and fruit and then went back to bed. They are totally worn out. I finally found a pause button for 4 year olds. It's called swimming their butts off. Go Swimming Yay!
• The Farmer's Market. If I didn't have kids and a million things to do that I never get done I would totally become a localvore. That is someone who buys all their food and household items from local sources as well as patronizes all local businesses for their services. I think food is better tasting and for you if it is picked ripe and harvested or butchered locally. I think patronizing local businesses, non big box Wal-Marts and non chain restaurants is critical to our future survival. I hate when I have to go into the WalMarts. I do love the Target though. But I wish I didn't and that counts.
• New babies. Mike and Chuck set up their webcams and skyped from the hospital so Chuck could show Mike his new daughter. Katie drew her new cousin a picture and got to show it to her and Uncle Chuck over the computer. How cute is it that these two brothers set it up so they could share this day and the arrival of this beautiful baby together. It sort of made me want to have another of Mike's babies. And made me love Chuck a lot too. I love when Dad's fall in love with their daughters. I got over the baby urge very quickly as in like 5 seconds later but for a second, I had a little contraction. It was sweet. And Grace is so beautiful with a head full of curly black hair. Which makes me so happy for Amber. She has a Jessica (Emma) and now a Katie (Gracie) when it comes to hair. She'll have so much fun.
• Conan. He's just hysterical.
• Flat screen televisions. My parents just put up an awesome TV on the wall of their bedroom. It is sweet. K & J thought it was purchased just so they could watch a cartoon before naptime when they sleep at Grammie and Papas. We'll let them think that. I think a similar TV might be in my future. Although, I already love my bed too much. On the other hand, we love to have slumber parties as a family in our bed. We always order pizza and eat it together while we watch some sort of kid movie. How much more would we love our slumber parties with a big flat screen on the wall? See, it will promote family unity!
• My babysitter/Mom helper Kayla. I will do a separate post soon about Kayla. We hired her when I had surgery to help me when Mike is at work with the girls. Now she's just helping me a few hours/week because I'm still not able to do everything and I have therapy appointments and I'm trying to catch up on all the stuff that fell through the cracks over the past three months. Kayla is now part of our family, we love her so much. She is one of those people with the heart of a champion and a kindness that is so rare to find in people. She is so helpful and she made it possible for me to have had this surgery and for the girls to have their needs met. They love her so much and wish she could come over everyday. She brought her new kitten over the other day who is teensy tiny. This propelled her to hero status immediately. She is just heaven sent and I love her.
• My parents. I know I have mention how helpful they are before. But they are also so much fun and are such good friends to all of us. Katie and Jessica would prefer to play with Papa over just about anyone. And they say Grammie takes the best care of them of anyone and loves them more than anyone in the world. The girls cry when we show up to take them home from Grammie and Papas and Jessica asks to call them everyday. Katie HAS to talk to her Grammie everyday and she chats away and then says "Okay Grammie, pass over to Papa." They have just started calling my Dad "Pop" all on their own. They get to my parents and they run up and hug him and go "Hi Pop" or they get him on the phone and say "hi Pop!" It's so cute because I have no idea where they got it. They have the best time with my parents and so do Mike and I. Mike loves hanging out with my parents. He was driving home last night and called me and said "call your Mom and Dad and find out what they want for dinner from L&L. I'll swing by on my way home and pick up dinner for them and take it over and hang out with them and the girls for awhile." (They had the girls at their house) Even though I had told Mike I'd go pick up the girls, he preferred to hang out with my Mom and Dad on his own. He has met them for dinner and hung out with them tons since I had surgery. I'm very thankful we are all such good friends at that my husband loves my parents and vice versa. It sure makes life so much easier and happier.
• New CoverGirl Lip Stain. Go right now to Walgreens or Rite Aid. Find a color that is one shade darker than your actual lip color. If you wear more pink, red and blue go with one shade darker on the pinker side. If you wear more tan, brown or green go with one shade darker on the bronze or neutral side. This stain is not a lipstick. It gives just a hint of color to your lips and makes them stand out but looks like you have nothing on. The stain lasts forever (at least 4 or more hours) and it just gives your face a bit of color so you don't look washed out. You can put some on your finger and use it on your cheeks too if the color works. I would not recommend using it for lipstick when you want a glam look. It's perfect for slapping on when you are having a no makeup day. Most days I will brush a little bronzer, some mascara and lip stain and that's it because I have no time to do my make up.

I have so many things I could add to this list. But I'm so tired. I am now going to retire for the night. Do you think the girls are going to wake up super early cuz of the whole nap marathon thing? ugh. Better go grab some winks.

Sugar & Spice... It's soooooo nice!!!! I got a new niece today... Grace Isabelle joined our family! Chuck said Amber and little Gracie are great!

Friendship - a tribute to my friend Amelia Snelling

Every once in awhile, someone does something so nice for you that it brings tears to your eyes and makes you examine what it means to be a true friend. First, you need to get to know my friend Amelia.

I met Amelia while we were stationed in Nebraska during Mike's residency. Amelia's boyfriend, Dustin, was one of the Air Force family medicine residents along with Mike. The other girls were married to their spouses and Amelia was the "girlfriend". She was totally in love with Dustin and was so excited to meet and make some "couple" friends. We discovered we both loved English and Creative Writing. Amelia is a mid western girl through and through. She is open hearted, sincere, kind and we celebrated her engagement, her wedding and we prayed for her to be able to have a baby. All the residents graduated and we found ourselves going our separate ways. Soon, we got the fabulous news that baby Nathan was on his way. We held our breath and prayed some more while Amelia struggled with a pregnancy that had some very real risk of premature delivery. Thankfully, Nathan was born healthy and happy and is the cutest baby boy I have ever seen in my life. Honestly, the kid is gorgeous. Blond hair, great skin that is the perfect tan color even though he is a baby and obviously does not have a tan and these blue eyes that just jump out of his face. He smiles and my uterus contracts. And I am not a baby gushy person. This kid is just that cute. Dustin, Amelia's husband, just deployed to the desert. She is currently going through what is one of the most painful and lonely and difficult times anyone can ever go through. I think of her often. I pray for her daily. Even though I suck at emailing, calling and just all around being an attentive friend.

Amelia doesn't have my hermit and neglectful character faults. She is attentive to her friends, expresses her love for them and is generally just always there for everyone. Because I have been down in the dumps and literally "down", Amelia sent a care package to me. Inside held a treasure trove of her favorite books. Quirky novels by Nebraska authors, a book of poetry that I have poured over and a couple other fabulous reads. She had to order the books from more than one source, so she gathered them and mailed the package herself. However, the thing I treasure the most from her package was the letter tucked inside. It was handwritten and started with "Dearest Amy, ". She went on to explain why each of the books meant so much to her and what she thought I would like in each. She said she missed me and closed with the words "With Much Affection". She included a picture of Nathan.

This act of kindness bestowed upon me by my friend meant a lot to me. I think the best thing anyone can give anyone is a book. The only thing better to give someone is a letter. I felt loved and that I was not crippled and sick and boring and a party pooper. These feelings have been overwhelming my heart as of late. I think I'm lucky to have Amelia in my life. If any that read this could include safety for Dustin in your prayers I think that would be awesome. We are having a residency reunion of sorts in September. Amelia will be there without Dustin. I am determined to send her to take a nap or walk on the beach or get a massage while we play with Nathan. (Maybe all three) My other friend Ingrid will be there too. Her husband just got home from Afghanistan after a dangerous and difficult assignment. I am so happy for her that I cannot put it in words. I feel lucky to be the spouse of a military member. I feel honored to be among these women and so many others I have met and grown to love over the years. For all of you who have been there for me I just wanted to say thanks. And to Amelia, I just wanted to say thanks for reminding me what type of friend I need to become.

Summer Lovin' Happened So Fast

It is really the SEVENTH of JULY? When I was a kid, this was already the time I started to get sad about returning to school! Where did the summer go? I still have my red wool coat on the back of my desk chair! How did we get to the lazy days of summer when it was just winter? I guess when you have surgery and are in bed for over two months, time sorta gets away from you. It's sad, but I realized the summer was upon me when I realized the Bachelorette has almost made her final choice of boy. And The Office has been over for like ever already. It's true, summer is almost a memory.

Due to this fact, I thought I better share some quick updates of what has been going on in our lives. You know what's been going on with me. I've been sitting, laying down and watching TV. I have not been blogging because I feel like there has been nothing to share. How many posts can I write about the excitement of changing my sheets and reading another Debbie Macomber book? Not many. However, last week I got the green light to drive and to walk short distances. This has opened the world to me once again. I have been driving and taking the girls places and making memories that I have missed making. Even though I am slow and it hurts A LOT, it is so nice to have freedom. It made me EXTRA grateful this past 4th of July. Freedom took on a whole new meaning. I thought a lot about having the ability to walk, speak, drive and enjoy my life in the way I choose. Many women in this world do not have this luxury. I am so thankful for this blessing. My knee is popping and clicking which is not good. I checked in with my therapist today and she said I needed to call my surgeon because it feels like there is a lip of bone that my knee is having to pop over in order to bend. It hurts when it pops into place. I hope this is something that will go away as things settle into place.

Katie and Jessica have had a very busy summer. They went on vacation with Grammie and Papa to the beach. They went last year and it is becoming a tradition. They take Tony the trailer (Papa & Grammie's RV) and they visit Capitola and Santa Cruz. This year, they toured the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. They told me that they wished they could still be on vacation and that they had THE BEST TIME EVER. They have spent loads of time with Grammie and Papa since I've been down. I am so thankful for my parent's willingness, ability and love of all things Katie and Jessica. It helps us so much and brings so much joy to two little girls. Today, the girls learned how to make home made bread with Grandma Meeker. She brought over a loaf tonight with some freezer jam and the girls had three pieces because it was THEIR bread that THEY made. They were so proud. The most excitement they've had in a long time occurred today when they discovered that the ducks that have been living in Grammie and Papa's swimming pool had ducklings in the past two days and seven baby ducks are living in my parents backyard. The girls have been talking non stop about the baby ducks and how we are going to save them and make sure they are okay and feed them and help their mama. They called Papa as soon as they woke up from their naps to check on their duckies and ask what they could do to help. Katie sang softly to them at the window because she said she was "watching over them". I really hope nothing happens to those ducklings.

Mike has been either taking care of us or working. He has found out what being responsible for his job, patients and clinic along with figuring out what is for dinner, buying shoes that fit growing feet, transitioning winter to summer kids clothes, running the house, doing ponytails and braids, reading books, maintaining the cars, the dishes, the mail and bills and not getting any sleep is like. I feel so sorry for Mike right now. He's done so great and has had the best attitude. He hasn't complained or made me feel bad once. I have kept my mouth shut as I have watched the girls exit the house in striped shorts and polka dot shirts and tangled hair and faces with peanut butter and jelly smeared on them. I have said thanks when I ate seven straight nights of take out and cereal for breakfast and lunch. He has been juggling so many things and keeping it all running. We are all alive and even though life is disorganized and messy and sort of out of control, the girls are more in love with their Dad than ever because he has spent so much time with them. They are a lot closer to him and they rely on him in new aspects of their lives. I think it is rare that any parent that works FT gets to take significant time away from work and care for their family. It has made all of us a closer unit. The girls have been needed to help out and they are having so much fun drying dishes, setting the table, putting things away and helping prepare meals. It's amazing how much they've been able to do for themselves. Mike has a natural tendency to "teach" them how to do something where I have a natural tendency to just "do" it for them. It's been good for them to learn some independence. They are proud of themselves and working together to accomplish little things like folding laundry and picking up their room.

We went to a great 3rd of July celebration at Grammie Bea's new Assisted Living place. I have received a lot of email asking how she's doing with her Alzheimer's and moving to the Assisted Living community and out of her home. I'm so pleased to report that she is loving her new apartment and life at The Meadows. The staff are amazingly kind and wonderful. Her apartment is so cute and she is making so many friends and attending so many activities. She loves having her meals provided and visiting with "the girls" at her table. When I ask her how she is doing she says "I cannot lie. I LOVE IT!" This is so wonderful and truly a blessing from God. My Grandma is not a person who accepts change easily or generally looks on the bright side of life. So to see her so giddy and truly happy is such a joyful sigh of relief to all of us that love her.

We spent the 4th at my parents enjoying a BBQ, swimming and fireworks. We had brunch that morning with our friends Jen and Ray. Ray was Mike's best man and Jen was one of my bridesmaids, yet they did not know each other at the time we got married. They met at our wedding but did not date for a few years later. They ended up happily married and have four beautiful kids. It was fun to see them and catch up at my favorite place Boulevard Bistro. Then, I took the girls to Toys R Us for a shopping spree. We hadn't done a girls shopping trip since my surgery so we had so much fun picking out toys for the pool and a few additions to their doll house. We then went summer shoe shopping and joined the rest of my family for the BBQ and swimming/playing with our new pool toys and fireworks. I HATE the sort of fireworks you do yourself. They always make me so nervous and I had such awful experiences as a kid getting scared of fireworks. I like the kind you look up in the sky at that are set off by professionals. We had some of each this year so my stress level was only at about a six out of ten. Not too bad.

We are looking forward to our new niece Gracie-Bell being born this week to Chuck and Amber. We are waiting for her to be born any day. Technically, she could be born any time in the next two weeks but we want her to be born soon. I'm so excited to have a new little baby girl in our family. I wish I could go out and help Amber with the kids and the new baby but given my level of mobility, she would end up with a 4th kid (me) to take care of. We are praying that Gracie arrives safely and healthy.

The rest of the summer will be exciting. Swim lessons, our 2oth class reunion, camping, our 17th wedding anniversary, my birthday, Mike's residency class reunion (beach house in South Carolina-HOLLAH) and preparations for a Meeker boy elk hunting trip. It should be a fun few months. I love having 4 year olds. This is my favorite age so far. They are sweet, easy, loud, fun, creative, curious and they sing and dance everywhere they go. Life is good right now. Hopefully, I can begin to give Mike a little rest as I am able to do more.

A FULL BLOWN CONFESSION (about stuff nobody would ever care about)

Okay, let's just get it out there. I have gone over to a bad place. See, I've been home a lot since surgery. I've been sitting around. I quickly burned through my reading list and found myself out of new material as I await a delivery from Amazon. So what's a girl to do with that much time on her hands? Can't cook. Oh darn. Can't clean. Shoot. The only thing left is for me to do is to form unhealthy attachments to characters on reality TV right? Let's explore shall we?

Jon and Kate. Jon. Kate. Honestly, I feel sick in my stomach about this family. I have watched since the beginning. At first I identified with Jon and Kate: a couple thrilled with the birth of their twin girls, tried for one more baby, controlling chick full of bossiness toward all. What's not to love? I always turned to Jon and Kate when I felt like my life with the twins was hard, because here was someone who had it WAY harder. I got parenting tips from Kate ranging from how to get kids to and from the car safely in a busy parking lot, schedules for kids, dressing your kids alike so you can find them easily in public and not putting names on backpacks so strangers can't approach your child by name. Now, I find myself disgusted by Jon and his big diamond earrings and Harley Davidson and NYC apartment and excitement to start a new chapter of his life. I am disappointed in Kate for not realizing that fame and money has corrupted her family. Kate and Jon are Christians and have always said "when this doesn't work for our family anymore the cameras will go." But their marriage started to fall apart and they continued. In fact, they increased their public exposure. And now that their family has completely fallen apart, the cameras continue to roll. Kate is obviously super tan, sporting bigger and more perky boobs and a flatter tummy, Jon's hair plugs are full of gel and their bleached teeth glow as they sneer when speaking of each other. And the bottom line is there are 8 real live kids at the heart of this mess. Two 8 year old girls that can read the tabloid headlines and go to school where I'm sure kids are cruel. The disintegration of a family is one of the saddest things I can think of. And I feel just sick and sad. I told you, UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT TO REALITY TV. Don't judge, I warned you ahead of time.

Now on to Jillian. If you don't know who Jillian is just stop reading because you are going to majorly judge me by the end of this post and you just should quit while we can still be friends. Okay so Jillian the Bachelorette. I actually threw a pillow at my TV on Monday night. This was the beginning of when I realized I had gone over to the bad place. Kicking off Jake and keeping Wes is the stupidest thing I've ever seen someone do on TV. Jake is the perfect guy and was by far and away, the best guy on the whole show. Wes is a scumbag who is using her. She must feel really dumb now that she's watching the show and watching how she got played by Wes. I hope Jake gets to be the next Bachelor because I think he is a big slice of dreamy. Mike is fully aware of my TV crush on Jake and he even watched Monday night with me and suffered along side of me as Jake tried to warn Jillian about Wes and she didn't listen. Girls can be so dumb sometimes. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Michael. What would I have done without the Thriller album? I can remember dancing for hours in my parents living room before they got home from work to this album. My mom had enormous Klipsch speakers as tall as me and even though I was only allowed to turn to volume to 4, I would blast it at 7 while I danced and pretended I was on stage while singing Beat It. I would pretend I was a zombie in the thriller video. Do you remember MTV announcing they were going to premier the full length version and waiting and waiting for it then calling all your friends when it was over to talk about how amazing it was? Remember Vincent Price in it? I know Michael was most likely a very disturbed man, but seriously, his impact on music and dance? Bigger than anyone EVER. Just watch an N Sync video, check out Brittany or Miley or any dance numbers anyone ever has done since 1985. They all start out in the Thriller formation. It's iconic.

Farrah. My cousin Bo had a dog named after Farrah when we were little. He and his brothers had the classic poster of Farrah in their room alongside a pin up of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. When I think of Farrah, I think of times spent with my cousin, going to the park, going camping, colored shoelaces, ditto jeans and a comb in my back pocket. And lots and lots of hairspray.

And finally the most embarrassing thing to admit ever. I am excited for Big Brother to start and I have started watching Lifetime for Women television. I told you, I think I might be headed for actual therapy.

I have so much more to get off my chest. I have engaged in some pretty spectacularly bad behavior since going under the knife on May 1st. But I think I shall stop for now. I have a hair appointment in an hour and the amount of gray hair on my head is worthy of a confession of it's own. So until next time, where I will reveal how much dead skin is on my feet since I have not had a pedicure in three months. I know you can't wait for too many details about THAT!!!