Blocked

I can remember one time when I was little that my cousin Bo trapped me inside of a sleeping bag. I was about 9 and he got it so my head and body were inside and he twisted the opening and sat on it cutting off my exit. I felt trapped. It was dark. I couldn't breathe or cry for help. I kicked and hit and struggled but he was protected from my efforts by the padding of the bag. I felt like I was going to die. Eventually, he let me out. I remember sobbing after I took that first gulp of fresh air. I remember the light was too bright but I refused to shut my eyes, afraid I would plunge into the dark once again. To this day, my worst fear is being blocked from light and air and freedom. As you may have noticed by my absence, as of late, I have been blocked.

A metaphorical sleeping bag had come over me. After knee surgery, I was literally unable to roam freely and found myself fighting to feel human and alive. About six weeks ago, I started to feel very sick to my stomach during various parts of the day. At the most random of times I would break out into a cold sweat and throw up. What started off as annoying quickly turned debilitating. So about four weeks ago I went into my doctor and ended up testing positive for the antibody that is present in the swine flu. I had the swine flu. I already felt like a big, slow moving pig at the county fair that just lays around all day while spectators pay it a visit. Now, the label of "swine" was literal and actual. Go Me! I progressed to get more and more sick more and more often. I had all your basic flu symptoms for weeks. Two weeks ago, I was at a point where I was sick all day everyday. I went in and told my doctor that something else had to be wrong. This just wasn't acting like the flu. So she tested and tested all the things you can test and sent me to a specialist. All is fine except I still am testing positive for the swine flu antibody. I'm not contagious, just frequently symptomatic. There were large portions of the day that were wonderful with no sickness. Then, just as I would be loading my two excited girls in the van after swim lessons, I would puke all over and was unable to drive because I was so dizzy. I'm very lucky I did not experience the respiratory parts of the swine flu that cause serious health risks. I made myself sip water and Gatorade all day to stay semi-hydrated as to avoid further complications. I've had one heck of a year. But I've never been more sick than this in my life.

I hesitated blogging about it. I am so sick of being sick. And I HATE being around people that always seem to have something they are complaining about. Seriously, I hate those sick all the time people. Others view you differently when you are sick or have health issues. They make excuses for you or they pity you. Pity is more than I can bear. Almost as bad as pity is knowing that people are thinking about all the things in your life that you should have done differently to avoid what's going on now. And the worst part is that you know they are right and you know you should have eaten better and kept a better schedule and exercised and stayed on top of all of it but you didn't and now somehow your daughters have been left motherless as you puke your guts out because of all you did or didn't do. And there you are, alone in your room, unable to breathe or see any light. Blocked in that damn sleeping bag again.

I am happy to say that I have taken my first gulps of fresh air and feel grateful to be alive. I have been back to functioning for about 4 or 5 days. I still feel queasy like when you get off a really crazy carnival ride most of the day and I still break out in the flop sweats. But the difference between today and last Sunday night are astounding and amazing. My doctor said this would run it's course and I am overjoyed to say I believe her. When she said it, I was angry and felt it would never end. But (knock on wood), I think it has and I give thanks to God. My knee has also had a big improvement. I am not limping and it's feeling stronger everyday.

I didn't know if it was going to be physically possible, but Mike and I were able to attend our twenty year reunion this past weekend. I will blog about it later, but it was just the cure I needed. I felt so emotionally and physically beaten up. Who knew I needed several doses of fabulous memories and some injections of amazingly kind and fun people from my distant past along with one big ol' date with my favorite friend Mike Meeker to right my upside down reality. I soaked it all in. The butterflies of being nervous to see everyone, the fun of turning my pumpkin self into the best version of an almost 40 year old Cinderella as I could get, the familiar faces, voices and sounds of laughter (thanx Kori). I'll write all about it because I want to remember it. Contrary to what a lot of people like to say...MY 20th class reunion WAS a big deal to me! If I hear one more person say how they "don't care" and "I'm so over high school" and "I don't have anyone to impress" I'm going to go crazy. I shared childhood with these people. They knew me before I had boobs or a career or before I understood the danger of blue eyeshadow. Call me nerdy or pathetic or trapped in the past, but I CARE. I don't care all day everyday and I don't think I am one of those "glory days" kind of people. But dang it, upon the occasion of my 20th year out of high school, I set aside my "coolness" and I willingly gave the occasion my heart. If that makes me sad and pathetic so be it. It was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed to get myself the air that I so desperately needed to breathe. I feel blocked no longer.

More to come...