66 Months

Dear Katie & Jessica,

I've not written on this here little blog in quite awhile. The largest gaps I've had so far. I've wondered why I have stopped writing. Have I run out of words to share? Not possible. Am I just sick of the whole mommy blogger thing? A little bit. Am I sad or depressed? A touch. Am I just too busy? No. Am I swinging from the chandelier and guzzling Chardonnay? Always. But I have come to realize that none of these reasons are the reasons why I have this horrible writer's block. It is because I'm scared. I am scared of what people will think of my words. I've never censored myself on this blog. I never go back and re-read what I've wrote and think about what anyone will think of it. About three months ago, I was bored on a Saturday afternoon and I went back to read some of my old posts. I realized that perhaps, just a tiny bit, I might have over shared things that fly through my crazy mind. You know I'm crazy. Dad knows I'm crazy. But having the Internet know I'm crazy was just something I hadn't thought of when writing. Not that anyone really reads this thing other than our family members and few great friends. But I started to think what if some stranger stumbled on over here and read my words. It was then that I started to think this blog thingy might not be such a great idea. I decided to make our blog private. Then I decided to heck with it, people can think what they want. This is for you guys anyway. It's for you to have and read someday when you have kids of your own and you are feeling crazy and lonely and in need of a voice during the endless days of potty training, table wiping, Target shopping, bath giving, "no" saying and sleep wanting. Maybe during those days of your own, you might decide to finally read those blog posts your old Mom wrote back in the day. And maybe it will help you to know me better. Maybe it will make you feel like less of a loser. Maybe you'll know how much I like you guys. Maybe you'll remember how much fun we have together. It's the three of us most of the time. I thought about how much I like you guys while we were running errands today. Nothing big happened, we were just talking as I drove around my beloved home town. I caught glimpses of you guys in the rear view mirror as I passed what used to be my junior high school where I met Dad. And I thought about time and how fast it's all going. I realized I needed to write some things down. I'm crossing my fingers that this might get me out of my writing funk. Besides, now that I'm such a posting flake, nobody is reading this thing anymore anyway. So, here we go...

You guys turned 66 months old this month. Sunday will mark the five year anniversary of those first formal portrait pictures you guys took. I remember that Halloween day like it was yesterday. It seems impossible it's been five years. You started kindergarten in July. You have the very best teacher in the entire world. Kindergarten has been the best thing we've ever experienced. You guys love going to school, doing homework, making friends, carrying your backpack, singing new songs, displaying your new artwork and sharing all the things you've learned. I volunteer in your class one day per week. It's my favorite thing in my life right now. I used to play school when I was a little girl. I lined up all my stuffed animals like students and I stood in the front and taught then whatever I was learning at the time. I loved to play school. Going to your class has brought back those same fun feelings as well as this happy feeling inside my heart that we are sharing something so important together. I've grown to love your classmates, our school and your teacher. You both are almost truly becoming readers. You are great at math and you love art, singing and making cards and gifts for various people in your lives.

I think I would like you to stay five. It has been the very best age so far. You are so happy. No matter what we are doing, you both bring the party with you. I can be standing in line at the grocery store, pumping gas, going to the bank or attending a doctors appointment and you guys celebrate it with gusto. You are loud. Both of you are so very loud. But so am I. So I get it and I like it. You still love each other like crazy. You make friends easily but ultimately, no matter who you are playing with, you circle back around to each other to give a quick high five, hug, or kiss and then go back to what you were doing. I keep thinking maybe you'll run out of things to talk about or get bored playing together. But you love being together and you spend most of your day giggling, skipping, twirling, dancing and hoopa-looping (hula-hooping). Sometimes I listen to your conversations without your knowing. It's in those moments that I realize how having twins, having you as twins, getting to be your mother and getting to witness your relationship is the greatest blessing in my life. It brings me so much happiness beyond what I ever imagined was possible.

Don't get me wrong we have our challenges. Jessica - you are stubborn and very good at pleading your case in many different ways should you get into trouble. You love to show off, even if it's against the rules. Katie - you want to please others so much that you have a habit of verbally pointing out how great you are. You remind us when you obey the rules, eat healthy foods, clean up your room or do anything remotely good. You love to toot your own horn which if your sister is getting scolded and you are pointing out how awesome you are. I hate to call a five year old a butt kisser. But basically...yeah. You both get into plenty of mischief if left unattended for very long. However, you are now old enough to play without a lot of supervision and do basic chores around the house. Your daily chores are: brush teeth, get earrings cleaned, get yourself dressed, clean up your room, make your bed, clean up your drawing area and playroom, put your dishes in the sink and wipe down the table and floor underneath where you ate. We forget sometimes, but for the most part, you are great at your chores. You get a gold star sticker for each area every day and every day you get all stars in each area, you get a quarter. At the end of the week, we go to the dollar store and you can pick out something you want to have. It's your favorite thing to do because you can walk through this huge store and pick anything you want. I hate the dollar store. But I love it when you complete your chores. So I'm willing to put up with cheap toys made in China that I will have to throw away in a week or two.

Let's see, just a few more things. Summer was great for you. You learned how to swim. Katie- you can dive to the bottom of Grammie and Papa's pool in the deep end and get a hockey puck off the bottom in one breath. Jessica - you can swim across the pool and love to swim with your goggles and sit in the spa. You took two units of swim lessons and loved them. We went on vacation to New York for Dad's family reunion and to visit Auntie Heather and Uncle Rick before Uncle Rick left for the desert on deployment. You loved playing with your cousins. We had a "slumber" party in our hotel room for you guys, Chloe, Sariah, Nora and Devon. None of your cousins actually slept in our room because you guys are all little and they wanted to go back to their parents for sleeping time. But we watched a movie, had popcorn and root beer, played games and T.P'd Grandma and Grandpa's hotel room. Uncle Steve and (soon to be) Auntie Vanessa took you on a date for sodas and paper a paper airplane contest. You were both so excited to have a real date! You've had many adventures with Grammie and Papa going to the park, bouncy place, visiting the Great Grandmas, doing art, swimming, having movie parties and lots of stuff we probably never hear about. Spending the night at their house is your very favorite thing to do. You are going to be black cats for Halloween. We'll be giving out the candy this year. Between the pumpkin patch, church parties, harvest fair at school and harvest party at your class...you've gotten plenty of junk to eat. So instead you've made tissue paper ghosts out of tootsie roll pops and Kleenex to give out to all the kids that come to the door. I love that you guys are just as excited to give out candy as you are to get candy for yourselves. You are both counting the days until we go to southern California for Uncle Steve's wedding. All of your cousins are coming and you are so excited to see Auntie Vanessa in her "bride outfit" and dance at the wedding.

I love you both so much. My only wish is to slow down time so that I can remember and savor every moment right now. You give so many kisses and hugs to me every day and pick flowers off every bush to give to me. You snuggle me when we have movie parties in my room on our big bed. You tell me every day "thanks Mom, you're the best Mom ever" if I give you something you really want. It sounds so braggy and sugary sweet. But you guys really are sweet. You are messy and can trash our house in two seconds flat. You are loud whether you are playing outside or at a library. You are expensive and have so much energy that makes me tired just thinking about it. But you really truly are happy and sweet girls. Our family gives me so much joy. Even though we'll be relocating for a new Air Force assignment next summer, I know you'll be okay because you have each other. I know I'll be okay because I have you guys and Dad. We love spending time with you guys and would rather hang out with you two on a Saturday night than go out with any adult friends or even be by ourselves.

Thanks for bringing so much light into our home and so much love into our hearts. To say that I love you doesn't even come close to how I feel about you. I think the best thing we could ever hope for our family is that we'd like each other and be best friends even if we weren't related. That's how I feel about you guys. Thanks for always including me in your playing, backyard picnics and being so excited that I come into your classroom and help out. You love for me to talk to your friends and are so proud that your Mom is the class helper. I know this won't always be the case. I want you to know that it's okay when the day comes that you'd rather I not tag along. If I get lonely, I'll come back and read these posts. And that's the reason I'll never stop trying to continue writing. I want you to know how you've changed my life. You've changed me and how I see the world. Good work guys. Keep it up!

Love You -
Mom