Pushing Through It

I have decided to push through this horrible case of bloggers block. I think I can do it if I focus and set up some parameters. Pioneer Woman had blogging rules on her website today and I think I will come up with some blogging rules for myself to help me avoid these blocks that come from time to time. Here's what you can expect from now on regarding this blog.

• I'm going to write from the heart. I am going to tell you things I would tell my very best friend. I'm going to use my "voice" as a writer that is as authentic and real as possible.
• I am not going to filter myself. If one day I feel like spouting political views...great. If the next day I want to gush about something the girls did...super. If the next day I want to tell you about how an indecent picture appeared on the Disneyland monitors after a ride on splash mountain of me and my newly married self...I will. No filters! sorry Mom!
• Even though I have no filters, I won't be blogging about super personal stuff that is going to make you cringe with uncomfortableness. Like the horizontal mambo or my finances. Nobody wants to know about either of those things. I can't guarantee content won't make my mom uncomfortable but you should be okay.
• I'm going to try and remember I am writing this blog so my girls will know me. Not the rule making, nagging, at the end of her rope lady that they get most times. But my thoughts, dreams and humor. I want them to know that my life was hard, joyous, stressful and full of love. I want them to know I laughed a lot and that they have a mother that can laugh at herself. I'm going to try to remember that they, in their adult versions, are my audience. Katie and Jessica at my age now. That's who I write for.
• I'm going to blog daily. Because I agree with PDUB, if you don't nurture something everyday it will die. That's what happened to my blog over the past few months.
• I will be honest. Even if it's not pretty. Even if people judge me.
• I'll try and post more pictures.
• I will push through this block that I seem to have.

I am thirty nine. I turned thirty nine yesterday. It was a wonderful day. We took the girls to Joe's on the river and we danced. My parents joined us. Mike and I took the girls to Chuck E Cheese and then we all came home and took a nap. Then I went and had a massage. It was a low key great day. But thirty-nine. Let that one settle on your brain for awhile. On one hand I am OLD. On the other hand, this is the age I plan on staying for the next ten or so years so I better get comfortable with it. It's going to be around for awhile.

Amy at thirty nine is awesome. I feel old and achy in my body and joints. But in my heart I still feel like I have optimism and hope for my dreams to come true. When I was engaged I was standing in line at Michaels buying my wedding favors and a relative who was helping me saw the wistful, happy glow on my face and this is what she said. "I was like you once. I was so happy and full of life. I thought things were going to be perfect. And then life beat the crap out of me. And I changed. I hardened. It will happen to you. I guarantee it. You'll get hard. You'll have to or you'll break." I looked down at my pink jordan almonds and my squares of tulle and ribbon and I remember silently vowing to myself that no matter what life threw at me, no matter how bad it got, I would NEVER allow myself to harden. I would never allow myself to be cynical or bitter. I would keep my faith in people, that they are good and kind. I made myself the biggest promise I have ever made to myself at that moment. And you know what? I feel like for the most part I've kept it. I love people. I love their differences, their humor, their quirks. I love all different kinds of people, especially those that grew up different than me. I love gay people, straight people, fat and skinny people, foodies and non foodies, fans of Gray's Anatomy and fans of The Real Housewives. I love conservatives, liberals, muslims, christians and atheists. What I don't like is mean people. Mean people suck. I don't like people that are happy when someone else fails or is suffering. You will never hear me say "well, I guess they got what they deserved" or "now they understand how they made me feel". I think pettiness is one of the most ugly traits someone can have. I don't feel I have hardened. If anything I have softened. I was so tough and feisty when I was in my twenties. My thirties have taught me to be a little bit more gentle with people. Now gentle doesn't mean fake. I also hate fake people. I think I just try and cut people the same slack I'd like them to cut me. I feel like I kept that promise to myself that I made long ago in line at Michaels. And I'm so glad I did.

So if you can handle the new commitment to authenticity and truth along with a writer with no filter so you are going to get TMI and often, stop by every once in awhile. I will share my family, my love of motherhood, my love of Mike Meeker, my love of TV, my love of cooking, my fear of diets, my weird sense of humor and my life's stories with you. I'll never go private and I'll never stop writing.

Thirty nine. Seriously? I spent it at Chuck E Cheese? I played Air Hockey and beat the pants off my five year olds. That neon yellow puck was flying at them over and over again. We whacked a mole and made eggs knock over and rolled the skee ball. We laughed a ton. It was exactly how I wanted to spend my day. I love a chic restaurant and a night on the town just as much as any girl. But dancing to "Car Wash" and "Love Shack" at Joes and eating my fill of crab with old bay was just about perfect. Bring it on thirty-nine. Let me see what ya got. I think it's gonna be fun. We better learn to like each other...or the next decade is going to be hard on you.