A Study In Contradiction...

Mike and I were talking the other night and we decided we are very conflicted individuals. Seriously, you laugh, but we are. We fall into certain stereo types for sure, but dig a little deeper into our gooey caramel centers and we are totally conflicted about stuff. Here's what I mean.

I have always been a Democrat. I used to say I was morally a conservative but fiscally I was pretty liberal. My parents assured me that as I got older I would grow more conservative as I made more money, because I would want to keep it. But the opposite is happening. I am getting more liberal. And then Mike, OH MIKE...he told me on the way home from Medford the other day that he wants to retire in Ashland, Oregon instead of Central Point because Ashland is a hippie town and he'd rather live by liberals than conservatives. What? Umm...excuse me MAJOR Meeker, Eagle Scout, Mormon guy...aren't you supposed to be conservative? He still considers himself conservative on most issues but he's gotten about 99 times more liberal since he became a doctor. So why are we conflicted about this? Because of our religion, our families and most of our friends are totally the opposite. We are surrounded on all sides by conservative republicans for the most part. We even know people who think republicans are too liberal! And I know lots of people don't understand how in the world we could even get near the label of liberal. But at least for me, I think it's time I quit making excuses and own my identity. And part of it is a person who is more to the left than I feel comfortable admitting. I am a card carrying liberal, except they don't give out cards. I am a tree huggin, peace lovin, live and let live, big government, free speech, gun controlling liberal. I'm sure I will get a comment or two about how conservatives are the real "live and let live" folks. But I'm sorry you guys, I just don't see it. I told my Grandma that I think I might be a socialist and she laughed so hard because she was sure I was kidding. *** See post-edit at the bottom ***

Here's another conflicted area of our lives. We believe strongly that we should spend our life in the service of others. Mike's whole career is service based. Service to country and service to his patients. I am a stay at home Mom and I believe in giving time to helping others. It's just... well, it's just...how do I explain it? Well, see, we'd rather, um, watch TV. There I said it. We'd rather snuggle up on the couch and watch something we have recorded on the DVR instead of serving anybody. We feel guilty about it because this love of couch potato-ness flies in the face of what we believe.

Additionally, the fact is we are old. Yet, our souls feel so young. I still feel about 17 years old emotionally. I still get nervous if I have to go into a new social situation. I still crave popularity and want to please people. Shouldn't I have outgrown that? I am a mother and almost 40 for crying out loud. I shouldn't care about people liking me or whether someone sits by me at the next social event. But I do. I really do. Sometimes I just want to tell my old wrinkled self to grow up and put on my big girl panties. But inside, I'm still that kid at the roller rink praying that I have friends to skate with on a Friday night.

I miss working. But I don't want to go back to work. I still identify myself as someone with a career yet I have not had one for 2 1/2 years. I always said I would go back to work when the girls go to 1st grade. But won't they need me even more once they start to encounter mean girls, peer pressure, sports, activities, lunches to pack and spelling tests? I mean, how did I ever learn to spell with two working parents? How did my lunch get packed? But do I really want to be out of the work place for so long that by the time I go back people look at me as a sad, pathetic empty nester who is trying to fill time with her little jobby job? That was a rhetorical question. The answer is no. So basically I go back in 18 months or I don't go back ever? See why all the conflict? It's maddening.

Diet Coke. Need I say more?

Mike and I both feel conflicted about whether we are strict enough with the girls. On one hand, we are old school. (probably because we are old) We were raised when kids still got spanked and you told your mother to shut up if you had indeed decided that you were ready for death. We were both a little bit scared of our parents and it kept us in line. But in today's world, we are supposed to know that spanking doesn't work and that we need to empower our kids to stand up for themselves and question things. Apparently there is scientific evidence that this kinder, gentler parenting produces better kids. But we just aren't sure we buy it. Can you imagine how much our conflictedness (not a word) is screwing up our kids? Are we strict or permissive? Are we old school or new school? Poor little cherubs. They are probably so confused. I know we are.

And oh boy, this next one is the big one. I am conflicted about religion. I'm not conflicted about God. Totally do not have conflicts with doctrine. However, I feel like a cafeteria Mormon. I show up with my empty tray and I take servings of what looks good to me, instead of what is being served. Hmmm, lets see...I'll start off with an appetizer of family prayer, then I'll take a serving of love one another, a main course of Jesus and a side of forever families please. I'll take a big slice of warm fuzzy feelings topped with honesty and sprinkled with integrity for dessert. Oh, nothing to drink for me. (Because you don't serve Diet Coke anyway) As I fill up my tray with stuff that feels good and goes down easily, I wonder what I am missing out on. I steer clear of the hard work, working through trials, missionary work, temple work. Well let's just be honest, I steer clear of anything with "work" in the title. I don't discuss religion with anyone really because it makes me feel like a phony fake fraud. But here it is. For all the Internet to see. I am conflicted. I used to not be conflicted. I used to want to do the work. I used to love the work. I also used to love entertaining and my job and putting on make up and artichokes. Now, I just feel tired. So overwhelmed and so tired. I know the answer. Pick up the ball, quit whining and run with it already. I know this is the truth. I know because I have prayed about it. And I got an answer. The answer came to my heart. It said, "you need to work harder". It said "you'll be happier if you work harder." But I remain conflicted, on my couch watching Modern Family. See the problem?

And finally, I am conflicted about diets. Do they really not work? But what about all those people who lose weight on a diet? Is it really about maintaining choices you can keep up for a life time? Or should you hunker down with the celery and diet? I hate celery you guys. But I have these last stinking 40 pounds to lose. I want to lose it. But then I think...do you REALLY want to? If you REALLY wanted to, wouldn't you just go on a diet already? I've been either on a diet, going on a diet, cheating on a diet or out of control stuffing my face since I was 10. I can recite the nutritional labels of most foods and could write my own diet manual. I have gained and lost my body weight several times over. And yet here I sit, stuck and conflicted. Should I make sensible choices tomorrow but not stress super hard about the weight? If I keep that up over the long run, the weight will eventually come off right? Or I could just take a deep breath and charge into the land of food journals and portion measuring. I'm just not sure.

Feel free to comment if you have any wisdom to impart. I'll take all I can get at this point. Also, please don't worry about us. We may be conflicted but we are gold medal champions at blocking stuff out and are currently serving our second term as the co-chairs of the denial committee. So I really don't think about how my life is a big fat sham all that often. What do you feel conflicted about? Please, to share? (and if you get that movie reference you know how old I am).


POST-EDIT:
Regarding "socialism"... Mike and my dad got their panties in a wad at this part of the post. Mike is in the Air Force, so, for the record (and for big brother, if he is reading), no, I am not a member of any socialist party and I'm not a pinko-commie. And apparently, I'm not aware of all the past horrors and future ramifications of socialist regimes. Stalin, Lenin...bad dudes,agreed. Communism sucks. All I am saying is that what's going on here with the big business/special interest isn't all too cool either? Capice? And no I have not joined the Italians.